Weird Fetish

Hi guys. This is my story, I think my fetish is porn induced. Need help to recover.
So It all started with basic porn when I was 13. I googled it out of curiosity, I didn't know I would be trapped in it. There was escalation and by 17 I started watching stuff like gangbang, cuckold, cuckquean. Im in a relationship which isn't that sexually active since both of us are still 17 and in my country we don't do much stuff at this early age. I am committed to my girl and I can never think of being with anyone else or her being with anyone else.Now being brutally honest, I don't like to be dominated in bed or in fact any situation. I like to take the decisions. So when I used to watch cuckold, cuckquean I always thought of being the participant.
After a month or so of cuckold porn, I came to a realization("Oh fuck, I'm the one in the relationship, what am I jerking off to")
My name is anonymous here so I can tell you guys everything I feel. When I stumbled across stuff like "He watched me get fucked by .." I get a slight arousal. But when I think of being the bull, my boner is wayy more prominent. I don't want to be cuckolded, even if it gives me the slight arousal. A slight arousal does come but my heart gets much much much heavier and I feel disgusted when I think of being cuckolded. I don't know what this is, but it disgusts me. I've been depressed lately because of this stuff. Even tho being the bull turns me on more, I don't want to do either of those things in real life. I hope someone can give me a proper insight to help me out.

 

It sounds like this was induced from porn through escalation.
Stay away from porn, especially the type you described and in time these things will start to fade from your mind.
Work on your recovery and give yourself time.

 

I keep relapsing, I'm addicted. How long will it take to forget these insecurities?

 

You cant forget it. Its something you must live with, accept it and then control it

 

Nope I don't wanna roleplay it or embrace it. I fantasized as the bull, very honestly. I would never want to be the cuckold.

 

It's the shock content/aspect of it that arouses you. Why do you think so many are having transwoman, gay or sissy fetish? Perhaps even child pornography or bestiality and stuff like that. It all works on the same pathways in the brain. The more shocking it is, the more arousing it will be. This doesn't mean you'd do it in real life, it just keeps the reward center in your brain going, which won't give a single care about what content you are using. Porn is much like hypnosis. YOU HAVE NO SAY OVER HOW IT WILL AFFECT YOU.

Dr. Judith Reisman has shown this. She calls porn an erototoxin for this reason. It hijacks your brain and overrides volitional control, it literally bypasses the part of your brain that makes you human (physiologically this will cause reduced blood flow to the brain's frontal lobes, where reason and cognition are located).