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My F'd up relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 1dayattatime, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks man. Ya i would like to start on the steps i think. I am not super excited for more writing homework, but i look forward to the opportunity to step further away from addictive patterns.
     
  2. I've been going to SAA for almost a year. I find it very helpful. The 12 steps in general are a great frame work to help addiction. I have neve done group therapy and 12 programs are specifically not therapy, although they might feel similar at times. What is your number 1 concern and number 1 hope in going?
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for responding. I would say my number one concern is that it will cause more chaos in my life. And that i may not get as much supportout of the it. My hope i that getting a sponser and working the steps will get me to the next level in recovery and help me get past my 8 month mark.
     
    vxlccm and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Well chaos is tricky. It's another "thing" for sure. People, sharing, learning etc. Sponsors are harder to come by then you think and it's pretty common for people to cycle through them too. Also most meetings are different. There is a concept of group consciousness and that consciousness is different depending on where you go.

    Overall I think it could take you to the next level but remember it's a spiritual program of recovery. It's not for everyone. You'll know if it is a good fit. It fits for me. The best advice is go to at least 6 meetings and try different types and formats. If it's not clicking by then it might not be for you. There are also phone call meetings too.
     
  5. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    thanks man, this seems like super solid advice. I really appreciate it. I will think about it. I'm beginning to think of spirituality completely differently since I started recovery.
     
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  6. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Down day today. We are talking about going for a hike tomorrow. It has been a crazy week at work. My feet hurt. My stress level was at an 8 yesterday. Thankfully I got to blow up some shit haha. I love fire. Maybe it is the power and upredictability of it. And the sense that I can has a measure of control over it. Or maybe I don't need to analyze it and it can just be cool.

    Anyways Im going to go play some ping pong with my SO. Happy 4th of july!
     
    Mourde, hope4healing and need4realchg like this.
  7. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I am pretty good at everything i do. If i set my mind to something i can usually accompish it. Except when it comes to being in authentic relationship. I suck at that. I usually find a way to sabbotage any progress that I make. I find ways of making life miserable for anyone close enough. I guess i am reallly good at keeping my distance.

    My wife and I are ging through a tough patch right now. Honestly I don't want to be around her. I have been focusing on understanding. I have heard her out for many hours and it just seems like it is getting worse. Maybe it is stiring the pot for her or maybe our relationship is too broen from all of my lies. If she comes down here right now and sees me on any tech she will be triggered and i am tired of hearing the same story over and over again. I get it. You are afraid of what I may do. The more sobriety I have the more afraid she seems to get. Well here I am, venting.....

    I wish it was the happy ending. The, after 6 months we jsut got all better, but that is not my story. We struggle, we fight. I sleep in the spare room. She tells me almost daily that she doesnt trust me, I don't get it and many other ways that I am failing her. I feel like I owe her some healing, but it does not seem to be working.

    I am n a place where I just don't care any more. I try not to listen when she says she hates me. I try to listen when she describes her pain, but when I express any amount of negative emotion towards her i am "throwing a pity party" or its "you are really stuck on that" "that is your go to emotion" Screw it. I don't need you to tell me all of those things. You can just not get anything from me.

    I took this woman and destroyed her life. Now she is a person of pain, shame, resentment and sorrow.

    Anyways I am sure that if any SOs read this they will have all kinds of how dare you things in their heads. Please do not respond with that. I will ignore it. I get plenty, trust me. This is a place for me and I am being honest with how I feel about my relationship.

    Yay almost 200 days.
     
    Mourde likes this.
  8. I'm an SO, and I'm not going to respond with any 'how dare you.' Everything you're describing that's happening in your marriage is all too familiar to me. We've done this same song and dance so many times I've lost count.

    Until I found nofap, I had absolutely no understanding of the PA's side. I didn't know about shame (as it applies to PA) or "the fog" or any of the reasons why someone would ever turn to P in the first place. In my mind, I thought it was rather black and white...some people are selfish and they don't care if being that way hurts those who love them. Of course, now I realize that it isn't that simple, but at that time, the only things in my head were 1) that 'belief' I just described, and 2) an overwhelming amount of pain that I didn't understand or know what to do with. There were times when I would be trying to explain my side because I just wanted him to "get it," and it was frustrating when it didn't happen because, to me, it was all so f'ing simple. I'd think, "Your PMO habit (because I didn't know it was a real addiction then) is hurting me and causing us major problems so why won't you just not do it anymore"? I didn't want anything from him except to hear that he wouldn't do it, and I wanted him to follow through. I had no clue there was this huge emotional complexity surrounding the entire thing. I never knew that many PA's turn to P because of something painful that's happened. I didn't know that PA's use the addiction to avoid difficult feelings, and over time, they become numb to nearly everything.

    Then, I found nofap, and it opened up a whole new world of understanding for me. When I began to see the other side by reading through journals and posts, I knew that it was never a matter of "just stop doing that shit" because anyone who could just stop already would've, and they wouldn't have been an addict. Having this new perspective is probably the only reason we're still together because it helped me see that there's another painful side of this mess besides my own. I was able to move a little farther away from "you did this hurtful shit to me so I don't want to hear about how sad/mad it makes you that I'm upset and ranting..."! I have never, ever said I hated him, but I'm sure there were some other equally painful things said.

    Anyway...sorry for rambling, but I guess all of this is my verbose way of asking, is your wife on nofap? If not, do you think she would consider maybe reading through some of the journals and/or posts to get a new perspective? She doesn't have to post anything herself if she doesn't want to, but I can't say enough how helpful and informative it's been for me.
     
  9. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of us guys here when we fear that are relationship isn't going well we make ourselves distant from it. Maybe try to close the distance by being a little more understanding to her, I know it's hard cause I still have some of those problems too and just recently we went throw a couple of days which was hard because I became a little distant. Apply to everything else that you do great on and try to apply that to your relationship!

    I feel you on this one I get the same from my wife also, but listen to not only what she is saying but what you are saying! It is important you both communicate and get your feelings out there but are your feelings you are expressing sounding to her like it's a "pity party" dont get me wrong here but I do the same, I'm also stuck in the feeling sorry for myself and wanting my SO's pity. Maybe try to watch how your expressing yourself that way so it doesnt sound like your only looking for pity. I know when I'm confident and doing what I'm suppose to be in my marriage, my wife notices and things go well but when I'm doubting myself and becoming distant she notices and things go bad.

    If you want the happy ending then you have to put the work in for it! Life is what you make it so work hard to make it that way and dont give up. You can do it!

    Yup we both did my friend, but this is the pity party our wives talk about that we try to play out for ourselves! There's and old saying that goes " You broke it, You fix it". This wont fix itself this is the time we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, stop doubting ourselves and do what is needed to make them feel loved and safe like we promised them in the beginning!

    Dont ignore what others have to say but maybe learn what you can from it. You are right this is your place to vent and get your feelings out and keep it up, expressing them is going to help things out alot but dont just Express them go back and read some and try to learn what you can from your own posts and others posts too!

    And I agree with @hope4healing maybe see if your wife will at least read some of the post that other do here and maybe it will give her a better understanding that it takes two to heal a relationship! She dont have to join but maybe she will just read some!

    Good luck and work to be positive!
     
  10. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Is your wife working on healing herself?

    It sounds like the trauma is there, but maybe not the healing. For this to work you need to work on the addiction, she needs to work on the trauma healing. You are part of that ideally and she should ideally be part of your journey but if she's not working on her side as well, things aren't going to get better.

    You have to be allowed to have emotions while you reboot and not get kicked down for having them. Bottling those emotions in is what led a lot of us to porn!

    You need to get some resources, Doug Weiss (sp?) maybe, and sit down with her to have a serious conversation. And, that's all you can do. The next step is up to her.
     
    1dayattatime and hope4healing like this.
  11. I look up to you bro, this post means a lot to me. You are twice my age in nofap success days, so I taper my feedback with “feel free to return this to the store if it doesn’t fit.”

    You have made huge sacrifices including your career to save your marriage and your partner’s sanity.
    You sometimes describe daily breakdowns that have a wide variety of causality but share a volatile blend of toxicity. Your determination and sheer defiance of being pigeonholed is a huge part of why I see my story within yours often times.

    We share lots in common so i’’ll Share what my wife told me and maybe you can find some meaning in it.

    “I can’t heal with you here.” —my wife.

    Without judging her or blaming her , I kinda feel she’s right. I

    I follow @TryingHard2Change who has a similar struggle and after 18 years.... his wife needs lots of space. So maybe there’s something to this—-

    How much space would she say she needs to start healing?

    In my case, just basic communication is useless provided we both stay in our comfort zone. The fact you didn’t stay in yours ... and your wife HAS stayed in hers probably shows that. She “put up” with you by staying in the marriage sure ... but She won’t grow while comfortable. If anything her comfort is a floodgate—holding back all her resentment. When her comfort is threatened you get the underlying version. I know that without leaving the comfort zone people don’t change what we think or want.

    When I gave my wife space , her tone with me has changed. We don’t at all focus on our relationship. There’s too many prerequisites. We focus on coparenting. I feel like if we can’t relearn how to communicate then living together is like Dracula and shrek.

    Two people with dysfunctional tendencies—-one to suck the others blood (codependency), And the other to transform into a callous, name-calling monster who farts just to be left alone—-a defensive mechanism.

    I am describing my situation here not sure if you have any crossover. Btw my wife is the shrek—-and the farting thing happens every time I would get physically close. She would apologize and Blame her nervousness and gaseous result on anything else —- but we started to laugh about it and call it her defense mechanism like a freaking skunk.

    Me— I see how I can be cordial but as soon as I feel the heat from her x-ray judgmental eyes, I puff into a bat a want to fly away.
     
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  12. She's more Fiona probably. A princess with xray judgemental eyeballs and farts.

    Wear a medical mask and close your eyes and don't allow her to become defensive. Look past the farts and laser beams and communicate...
     
  13. A little levity goes a long way!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I relapsed last weekend...it was pretty bad for a day. I deleted my browser and installed lion accoutability and allowed my wife to put restrictions on my ipad. What i did not realize was that I couldn't post msgs on this forum with that app. So i am using a trial of different software now. It was a rough few days. I relapsed on the 19th. Masturbated. Used porn. I told my wife the same day. We had a few good talks and a few fights. We had a camping trip planned for this weekend and we did end up going. It was good to get out of town and just be a family. We also had a couples counseling session last week that went ok. I hate the 6 mo cycle I am on, but I am glad it is not a 6 day cycle or a 6hr cycle like it used to be. Last time I relapsed it was a month or so of acting out. This time it was a day. I am still seeing progress and I know that I had 1 day in the last 6 months that I gave in to my addiction. If there are 2 days in 12 months that means 363 days of sobriety vs 2 days of addiction. I am choosing to see it this way. I am a work in progress and I am going to keep working on what it means for me to be in recovery and relationship with a woman who I have hurt beyond what anyone should ever have to experience.

    1 day at a time.
     
  15. You are still my inspiration bro. I actually think after the habit cycle is broken (90days) it makes more sense to switch to a %success because like a dental plan after cavity cleanse ... it’s just “maintenance”. You don’t undo 6 months of work. Good for you for not beating your self up.
     
  16. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thank you for responding. I just reread my post and I was in a pretty bad headspace at the time. Feeling pretty hopeless. I cringe at some of those words that came out. I considered deleting it, but if I cant be real on here there are bigger problems. Yes my wife does get on here occasionally I don't think she has an account. She is also in a group that meets weekly and going to counseling for her self. We are pretty dedicated to recovering from this. Sometimes everything just seems to implode. I am working on making sure I don't go back to my addicive patterns in those moments, but I did just a week ago. Sorry of the jab. I really respect the way that you did respond.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  17. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the input. You accessed the situation very well in this short post. I have watched the Doug Weiss videos multiple times and actually the understanding portion of it is where I started just over a month ago. She does work on herself constantly. I think that my side of this is that I don't know how to moderately take on the responsibility of helping her heal. I struggle actually have emotional boundaries and know my limits. It was just too much all at once. We have had waay too many serious talks haha. We actually went camping this weekend and being reminded that we can work together and have fun was just what we needed. Thanks for responding. I was in a super dark place when I posted.
     
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  18. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for taking the time to really read my post and repond so thoughfully. Where I was at when you responded it was pretty hard for me to read this post honestly. It sounded a lot like just trying harder. But as I read it today it hits me differently. You are a pretty awesome example of change. You and your wife are a beacon of hope to a lot of us on here. Eventually I was able to talk honestly with her after being a royal a hole during our couples counseling session. After that we re-engaged differently. This is a really hard one because I am just not ready for some of the things that she needs from me. But we are getting there. It feels super slow sometimes. And sometimes it feels like I am going backwards, but I can see progress over the last couple years and for that I am thankful.
     
    Mourde likes this.
  19. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut


    You are a hard working dude. At this point my wife just wants me to be closer to her and be more able to handle her big emotions. At one point our couples counselor said. You guys just both want to be heard. That is the truth. I hope that you find your way back to your relationship. I think that as I have been the biggest source of pain for my wife, I have an obligation to try and make things right. It is hard to find the balance in recovery of focusing on my needs and creating healthy habits that move me away from my addictive tendencies vs. making amends with the person who is paying the emotional price for all of my acting out in secret.

    It is odd because addiction is so selfish and the solution is to spend time doing "self care". For me; going on hikes by myself. Writing music, dreaming of my future, making calls to guys from my group, meditating, journaling etc. These activities I do without my family, but they are not selfish. They restore me, but they do take time away from them.

    I deeply regret that I had to separate from my wife for a time. But i did learn to live without addiction during that time for me. I had no rules, I had no one telling me to do or not do this or that. I needed that space to actually decide if I wanted recovery for me. Since then I do not question my desire to recover. I hope that for you as well. Only time will tell what your future will hold. For me, i am giving everything I have to creat a new family dynamic and to heal the hurts that I have caused. thanks for being here man. You are an inspiration to me as well.
     
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  20. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Yes it is super slow I feel that way too and sometimes its does seem things are going backwards, I'm guessing that's the nature of the beast of this addiction! You are not alone in your journey all of us feel the same way, we feel the same feels and dealing with alot of the same issues. Keep up the great work and keep putting in the work and things will get better!
     

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