I had sex last night...twice!

Hey Everyone, I just wanted to share that about 3 and a half weeks ago I was suffering from PIED. My wife wanted to have sex and because I had just gotten off a weekend porn binge, I couldn't get it up. After biting the bullet and realizing that I was killing my relationship, I dove in and have been working to stay away from PMO. Last night, she offered again. And this time I was ready.

Not only did I have sex two times, which would have never happened while PMO was going on, but I also got up to turn on the fan IN THE MIDDLE of sex and was able to maintain a semi-erection as I walked across the room. I don't think I've been able to stay hard while walking since middle school. And the fact that my recovery time was about two hours is just incredible to me. A few months ago I thought my recovery time was so long because I was just getting old. This morning, my wife commented that she couldn't remember when the last time we did two times in one night. And then she gave me a high five!

I now have the memory of last night to help spur me on in moments of temptation. Keep up the work, my friends. It is well worth it.

 

Oh yes! The first one was extremely intense. The second one was a different kind of good. It was good in the sense that as it reached the point of inevitability, it took a couple extra seconds to reach the peak...which has never happened before. It was like it was a suspended point of pleasure before actually releasing.

 

Good question Thanatos.

I discovered cinemax at 1:00 AM when I was 14 and snuck downstairs while my parents were sleeping. This became a regular thing until I went to college and started downloading more hardcore clips using high speed internet. That is when the real binge habits started. When I had sex for the first time, I had an idea that Porn might have been affecting my sexual performance. I was with a ridiculously attractive girl when I lost my virginity. Size zero and exuding feminine beauty and power. She was so confident and sexy and I realized I couldn't get it up for some reason. Or if I did, I lost it in the middle of sex. So I decided to not have an orgasm for a month to see what the effects were (it was a long distance relationship, so it was easy in that sense). What I did instead was just watch porn and edge for the whole month without ever reaching orgasm. I didn't know it was called edging at the time. But I thought that by not orgasming I would be able to keep it up during sex...It was a dismal failure. The next time I tried, not only could I not get it up for the first 10 minutes or so, when I finally did, I orgasmed after about 10 seconds of PIV because I had so much pent-up from edging for a month. This was back in 2003, so after that, I knew there was some kind of link between PMO and sex but wasn't sure what the extent of it was.

I kept on with the PMO but when I had a steady girlfriend, I kept it to every few days more or less. I did not get any pleasure out of Blowjobs which I found puzzling. Because I always assumed it would feel so good. But the girls I dated or slept with never did it near hard enough. I was used to my deathgrip (which I also didn't realize was a culprit until recently). There were only two girls that were able to make me orgasm with blowjobs and I assume it was because there was a time when I was away from PMO long enough for some kind of sensitivity to return.

When I got married, I thought I would be able to ditch the habit for good, because my wife was computer savvy and knew what it meant if the browser history was cleared on the home computer. But I ended up using my work laptop which she never saw, which made me feel even worse because I had signed a contract saying I WOULDN'T look at porn on my work laptop. So not only was I hiding my porn habit from my wife, but was also going back on my word and risking my job for porn.

Then I got an iPhone. My God, what an easy way to access porn. I didn't use my phone for PMO for awhile until I found out about the "private" browser. At which point, it became ridiculous. A common trip to the bathroom became an excuse to easily look at porn. At home, at work, on vacation, over lunch almost anytime, anywhere. Also, my wife had thyroid issues and had to have her thyroid removed. Working to get thyroid levels regulated lowers libido, so my wife was not interested in sex. So I would take care of business myself. For about 7 or 8 months, I used PMO about every weekend. By this time, I had figured out that if I had a PMO session, I would be ready for actual sex in about three or four days if I didn't indulge again. So if I knew that there was a likelihood that I could have sex soon, I just laid off the Porn in anticipation. However, whenever my wife and kids went on vacation and I had to stay back and work, I would completely binge, call off of work, and stay home and have all day marathon sessions. I got into some pretty severe things. I found myself watching gay porn and transgendered person porn despite not being gay simply for the novelty of it. For a while, I was into domination and rape scenarios, and occasionally bestiality clips. Also risky behavior-masturbating while driving on the interstate hoping other drivers would see me, watching porn at the library, etc. as well as risky behavior for my marriage like looking up ex-girlfriends through either facebook or google search. I would go through some pretty intense depression where I lost interest in basically everything. I didn't get any enjoyment out of my job despite loving what I do. For a while I blamed my wife because she suffers from pretty severe depression and I just thought I was picking it up from her (depression through osmosis? I dunno). I went to the Dr. and he ran blood tests and said not only did he think I had depression, but that my tests showed that I had low testosterone levels. So I started taking Wellbutrin. He offered testosterone injections but I turned them down. The depression medicine helped a bit but I was still PMOing about every third or fourth day. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

There were times where I really thought watching porn was kind of a bad idea and tried to stop. At the longest, this lasted 2 weeks. I didn't have any sexual outlet in my life with my wife not being interested in sex, so it was basically hard mode until I just couldn't stand it any longer. I didn't have any reason NOT to PMO, so after two weeks, the simplest videos were enough to get me off. The problem was, I had to wait another two weeks to have the same intensity. I didn't usually have that kind of patience, so I always had a binge after a couple weeks off.

About three weeks ago, I was in the middle of such a binge, when I went to meet my wife and kids on vacation and, to my surprise, my wife suggested that she wanted to have sex. I was kicking myself for indulging in so much porn. I ended up not being able to get it up at ALL. Not even a little. Mentally, I was all in and felt close to my wife, but my equipment...not so much. I had my hot wife laying there, completely turned on and ready to go and basically begging me to sleep with her (which never happens) and I failed. She knows I masturbate, which she's more or less ok with because she knows she's not that interested in sex, but doesn't know about the P. So I basically told her I had masturbated recently and she was disappointed but understood. Despite the embarrassment I felt, I still went back home and had another PMO binge.

It was in the middle of that binge that I decided to start to investigate if watching porn was worth it. I think deep down, I was looking for a reason to continue using porn. So I google searched "benefits of porn" and the things I found were superficial and not very satisfying. But also turning up in that search was the TedX talk "The Great Porn Experiment." I decided to watch it and was caught off guard by how much of the talk I could relate to.

So I decided to check out the fapstronauts online and started reading all of the testimonials and watching the videos and thought about it for awhile. I didn't PMO or even MO for a little over a week while I was considering the implications of the things I was watching and reading. Then last Thursday night, I decided to officially take the plunge. I am Catholic and had not been to confession in a long time. So I decided to do an examination of conscience Thursday night and realized that if I wanted to be honest at my confession, I had to not only admit to the things I had done in my life but also desire to make a change. So I decided to act on my examination of conscience and joined this website. With a little over a week of no PMO when I started, I had a good boost of self-esteem when I started.

And so when I had sex two nights ago, I had been PMO clean for almost two weeks. It was a surprise to me that there could be so much change. It might have been a fluke...I'm not sure. But I do know that if that was the result after just a week and a half, how much better will it be if I can continue to not use PMO through my goal of 90 days? The thing is, though, I don't think I've ever gone more than 4 weeks of no porn use since I started masturbating as a young teen. So I'm still a bit nervous about getting past that 1 month mark. Ideally, I'd like to give it up forever, but if I focus long term, I get kind of down about it. So I'm striving to just focus on one day at a time. I've generally identified my triggers as boredom (not having a structured day), stress (procrastination and getting behind on projects at work), and opportunity (if I can get away with it).

I am very committed to this program. I think I just needed a good reason to be committed...something to light a fire under my ass. My wife and family are my reason. I'm striving to give all of my energy to my family as well as committing to my work. I realized not only was I not committing to my wedding vows (a liar), I was also stealing time from my wife, kids, and job by spending so much time on porn (a thief). In terms of my confession, I more or less had broken each of the 10 commandments in either thought, word, or deed. That was a very sobering thought and highly motivated me to make a change. Also, since I confessed on Good Friday, I was able to attend a service of the Stations of the Cross where the emphasis was really driven home that it was for my sin that Jesus Christ was crucified. I consider each day a victory that I can resist the temptation of looking at porn or masturbating. I hope that this was enough (or not too much) context.

 

Here here! Glad it helped, happiness.