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Help me...please

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ThunderWings386, Aug 1, 2019.

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  1. ThunderWings386

    ThunderWings386 Fapstronaut

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    Alright, here we go. Well I'm a porn addict just like the rest of you and I have been addicted to this stuff for many years now. I would come home and fap before doing ANYTHING, it was a part of my routine. I would go onto porn site and I'd go out of my way to download videos just so I didn't have to go to the website all the time. There lies the first problem, when I'm "in the zone" I'd have no self control whatsoever, like I would go to extreme lengths just to find that video so I could download it, it was bad. There were times where I'd be doing my normal everyday stuff while a I'd have videos download in a different window. What's worse is that mahority of the videos I'd download, I wouldn't even watch them after that.

    Sometimes I would disregard the dowloaded videos an I'd go on the porn sites anyways, and I'd be opening so many tabs even though I didn't need all of them. There lies the second problem, with not only a lack of self control but also "the drag." "The drag" is where I'd have more videos opened than needed and I would intentionally try making it last as long as possible before the climax. Doing this made me feel even worse than usual because this would go on for an hour, maybe even more (sometimes a whole day!). What disturbs me about my porn addiction (despite what you just read), is the amount of names I have memorized, how easily I could identify them without their faces, and that when looking for porn videos I knew which porn star would give me the videos I wanted to watch. They became objects which is disgusting. This went on for years, lots of deleting a restoring files, resisting temptations only to give in, feeling of anger, frustration, and disappointment.

    Then recently, my laptop's hard drive gave out and well I thought I caused it. My parents said "were you one those sites?" not thinking I was gonna says yes, and I told them that I had been on the sites. I then sat outside my house for a couple of hours refusing to go back in because I felt exposed, guilty, and embarrassed. No one really knows what caused the crash, my parents think it crashed cause it was old (which it was) which is possible. The next day, I got a new hard drive, fresh start with a porn free PC. I didn't get past one day. You see, I continued to view vids but on websites deemed "safe" from time to time but that's not as bad as my alternative. My Ipad. Where you can watch Porn in what is probably the safest way possible, a place where I can watch porn with very little concern. It's terrible.

    I've recently joined a Gym to get me out of my house and do something that's beneficial for me but it's gonna take more than that since I just fapped for the second time in a row a little while ago. I need to quit because I know it's causing problems for me and I just want out. I would like to have a Girlfriend one day but I can't get into relationship until I end the one I have now, the one with the porn addiction. I'm sharing my story because I think it's about time I do something about this problem so I can become a better, happier person. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please help me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2019
  2. Darren hutto

    Darren hutto Fapstronaut

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    Yes man your not the only person with this problem man I’ve been addicted to porn lesbian porn for 15+ years and I felt like a drug addict I had to have it at all costs I don’t care but then the guilt and shame and my depressed state would make me hate myself so I know what it’s like to be addicted to this stuff that’s why I’m quitting PMO forever I want to have a happy life I don’t need PORN!!!!!! No one does
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2019
    ThunderWings386 likes this.
  3. DayOne44

    DayOne44 Fapstronaut

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    @ThunderWings386

    The great consolation I get from NoFap is in seeing that I'm not the only one.

    There was a time in my youth when I was made to feel like I was the only one who ever masturbated.

    I looked around at all the "normal" people who supposedly didn't do that, and I felt like a disordered pervert.

    On NoFap, I am shown that PMO problems are very common.

    (I will not say PMO problems are "normal," because that suggests they are "okay" when they are definitely real problems.)

    (PMO problems are simply "understood" here on NoFap.)

    Here, I am not alone. And, here, I am not condemned.


    I can't respond to as many posts as deserve attention because there are far too many.

    I must comment on your post because your story is much the same as mine.

    So much of what you describe is painfully familiar.


    I am much older than you are, and I was a young man before home computers and the internet.

    I didn't learn to use a computer until I was 27.

    That same year, I bought my first computer, a used one, and got an internet connection.

    We had dial-up internet in those days.

    Internet came through the telephone line. I was slow. If anyone called while you were online, they got a busy signal.

    I describe this because much of our PMO problem is with both the porn and with the technology.


    Before the internet, the main "masturbation stimuli" were just the usual Playboy and Penthouse magazines.

    Rarely, did I have the courage to go into a store and buy one.

    I couldn't face the cashier with such a purchase.

    The embarrassment would have been excruciating.

    What if someone I know saw me with that?

    Everything was different when the internet came.

    It may have been only weeks after I got my first computer when I started surfing porn over my dial-up connection.

    There was a convenience store at the end of my street that sold those magazines, but I would not walk there to buy them.

    With a computer and the internet, I could stay in my apartment in complete privacy with the blinds drawn and ogle a limitless number of pics.

    That's what I was doing many nights, and the problem started.


    When I've been on porn binges over the years, I've gotten caught in what you are calling "the drag."

    Now, I have a name for it: "The Drag."

    When I would porn surf on my tablet, I'd have so many tabs open that the browser would tell me to close one before I could open another.

    On my PC, I open as many sites, vids, and pics as I can find.

    The porn options on the internet are limitless.

    Those limitless options always draw me into the porn world, faster and faster.

    So much of the thrill comes from the technology and what the technology does.

    It bombards my brain with flashes of the greatest variety of bodies and scenes.

    I lose control.


    While I am drawn by that endless variety, I too know the names of all my favorite "stars" and know where to find their best "stuff."

    Repeatedly, I go back to those same ones.

    Often, I will search for "work" they've done which I haven't yet seen.

    I doubt that I would become so engrossed for hours at a time if I were just flipping through a dirty magazine, which is a very primitive and limited technology.

    I masturbate while surfing porn online, and that goes on with me for all the hours I'm surfing and opening tabs.

    If I just had a magazine, I'd probably get off in about twenty minutes.

    Whereas in the world of online porn, I'll search and search until I find that one pic or scene worth a climax.

    That goes on for hours, as I always expect there to be another pic which may be a little more exciting.

    Usually, I will just decide to ejaculate because that is the only way to break the trance and get out of it all.

    All of us here on NoFap know how one feels after that.

    I'm always amazed to look at the clock and see how much time has gone by--or rather, has been wasted.


    My point is simple.

    The experience may be less sexual and more technological.

    Yes, we masturbate, but this is also about using technology.

    The technology enhances the sexual experience exponentially.

    We simply must consider seriously the technological dimension to this and account for that as a large part of our problem.

    The problem doesn't only present itself when a hard drive finally crashes.

    My own experiences with online porn and what you describe about multiple tabs and downloading indicate this.

    You say you've downloaded vids and never watched them.

    In that, the experience is primarily technological; the sexual aspect is just in the background.


    When I'm on a porn binge, I will go back through all those tabs I have open.

    I'll look at a pic and stroke for a few seconds, and then go onto the next and do the same, and then to the next, and the next . . .

    The rapid fire of stimulation from such variety is far greater than what one would experience in a real-life orgy with real bodies.

    This is even worse for me because I look at both straight and gay porn.

    (Many straight men here on NoFap have confessed that they've wondered into this same-sex territory.)

    Not only am I flipping from pic to pic, but I'm also flipping between sexes.

    My sexual fantasies, which are just in my mind, are also playing out like this.

    Technology makes this possible, and after a binge, my head is always spinning.


    Never do I watch a video from start to finish.

    I always scan ahead to find those seconds of a scene where I find something exciting.

    (When you think about it, porn is actually quite boring. It's just people making the same repetitive motions over and over.)

    I skip to where there is different action and movement. Then, I'll search for another vid.

    Again, technology allows us to preview the images ahead and skip to them.

    Never would I do that with an actual movie.

    A feature film draws the audience into a story that will develop over a couple hours.

    I'll watch a real movie for that length of time, but I'm always too excited to even sit through a 10 minute porn vid from start to finish.

    The patterns of these habits show me that this is seriously wrong.


    I've thought that my PMO problem is not porn itself, but how I consume porn.

    If I would find one set of pics or one video, look at just that, jerk off to it, and then be done in 20 minutes, it would be fine.

    Never has my porn used been that way.

    Porn use, by its very nature, cannot be so controlled.

    The endless variety always sucks me further and further into the porn world.

    PMO scrambles the brain. It causes a kind of ADD. Porn impairs my ability to focus my mind.

    To really appreciate and enjoy something, one must focus on it--that one item--for a length of time.

    That is the experience of watching a good movie, reading a book, or doing anything worthwhile.

    Real sex with a real person would be the same.

    One person focuses on another for a length of time and explores her thoroughly.

    When we see how much the porn world contrasts with the most satisfying experiences of life, we see the disorder and craziness of porn.

    Many of us are on NoFap because we want to return to the real world.


    The entire world is not online, and the internet must not engross our entire experience.

    Indeed, the world wide web does give us access to things which we would have had difficulty finding back in the pre-internet Dark Ages.

    Back then, one would need to go searching in a library, which could take all afternoon, and one would risk encountering another human being there.

    I can focus my internet usage on only those things which are worthwhile and deserve the benefit of my concentration.

    When I'm online, I will focus on just one item, as I'm focusing now on writing this message. Your concerns deserve my undivided attention now.

    In a few minutes, I will review my message and post it.

    Then, I'll be done. I'll turn off the computer. There's nowhere else online I need to go.

    After this, I'll do my workout, which I've neglected the past few days.


    Again, a large part of our PMO problem is more technological than sexual.

    When the computer with the internet enters, this is not just sexual.

    You know this because much of what you've described is more about technology.

    So, in this struggle, we must also reconsider our relationship with computers and the internet.

    I myself spend too much time at the computer doing things which are not entirely productive.

    (I often think I even spend too much time on NoFap.)

    Internet surfing may be more brain-addling than watching TV.

    Online porn use is an intensified version of the problems of internet and technology use generally.

    There are many old-fashioned things in this world which are much more interesting than anything I could see online.

    My attention must be more focused on them.


    You confessed to your parents that you were on "those sites."

    Your parents sound like they are pretty cool to ask you such a question.

    You were gravely ashamed after telling them you used your laptop for porn, and you stayed outside because you couldn't face them.

    I do hope they were cool enough to not make you feel ashamed.

    I do not have kids, and honestly, have never wanted them.

    If I had a son, I would hope that he could feel free to tell me about looking at porn and masturbation without shame.

    There would be nothing my kid could tell me which I probably hadn't experienced or done myself.

    I couldn't judge him.

    If you were, to some extent, able to be open about this with your parents, this is remarkable.

    Parents often imagine that their kids are perfect, non-sexual angels.

    They can't deal with it when they find out their kids are real human beings with real problems.

    Perhaps, all of this is why I'm always especially concerned about the young guys I see here.


    Cheers!
     
  4. Omda72

    Omda72 Fapstronaut
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    That's amazing and interesting post-let me say Article- I'm suppose to be in your Age, when I studied in Europe ( Hungary), I used to walk around the Campus, outside Student hostel in early Nineteenth, and I always been Curious to see all those naked bretty playmates n centerfolds Magazines, basically Icame from conservative country and this was new experience as they don't sell all these dirty stuff at home, I started to masturbate flipping page after page till I ejaculate and it was so disgusing that I couldn't handle , when I came back home there was dial up internet as you said, it was my beginning in returning back to this bad habbit, I'm know in a big challenge to fight this Cancer- you can say that- because it's killing my creativity, and my emotions...my whole life
    Some times I felt that I've lost my humanity and sensitivity toward all the bad and excitement in this world, it would leave me in damn hollowness.
    Thanks for sharing your story.
     
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  5. DayOne44

    DayOne44 Fapstronaut

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    So many of us have exactly the same story to tell.

    No matter what part of the world where you live, the problem is the same.

    Pornography, in all its forms, has the same effects, and it has become a world-wide epidemic.

    It is indeed a "cancer," as you describe it.


    I am, as I am repeatedly saying, frustrated that I still have the PMO problems I had in my 20's.

    With age, all this should have disappeared, so I think.

    It has not, and we must simply accept that at age 47, the struggle must continue.


    All of this may be much worse for young guys who are now in their 20's.

    We just had the magazines, which we here in the U.S. couldn't buy in our teens, and some of us had inhibitions against buying these when we were old enough.

    And, as I've described my experience, the dirty magazines didn't have as much variety and didn't give as much of a "hit" as does internet porn.

    Even worse, internet porn can be used in complete anonymity; no one will usually find out about it, and there's a low risk of embarrassment.

    This is the world in which young men and teens, whose sexuality is newly developing, grew up.

    They were exposed to all this at the start and have never experienced a world without it.


    It is because of that "disgusting" feeling you describe that we are here.

    No more argument against porn is needed beyond that bad feeling.

    This world-wide struggle must continue!
     
    Omda72 likes this.
  6. ThunderWings386

    ThunderWings386 Fapstronaut

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    For starters, thank you for your reply, it means a lot knowing that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this issue, you actually mentioned things that I forgot to mention in my post.

    First, what you said about the tabs where you do some strokes and then quickly move to the next one, yeah I do that too which is part of what I called "the drag." I do remember the feeling of excitement that you described so get that part as well. This is part of what would lead me to watching porn for hours and hours at a time.

    Second, I too never watch a video fully, I'll go to the video and just fast forward to the part of the video that I want to see and then move on to the next one or fast forward again to another portion of the same video. In some cases I would fast forward, sit there for a few seconds, and then fast forward before the scene ends because I wanted to watch as many porn as I could before I climaxed. This is what would get me invested for hours at a time because I just had to see as many as possible, sometimes even trying to not stroke at all just to make it last as long as I could so I could watch as many videos as I could in one sitting, again "the drag."

    Third, My parents were very chill about it and they did not make me feel ashamed whatsoever. After it was all said and done, they never really brought it up again(partially because I told them not to), they did offer to buy me a Playboy which I declined very quickly. In fact, my Dad even told me that he did what I was doing when he was around my age. However, he said he looked at Playboys, which did make me feel somewhat better but it didn't help as much as it should because I knew that our experiences were completely different. I'm pretty sure they think I'm looking at pics which is not true obviously (maybe they do know I watch vids, I really don't want to know). I keep the details of my viewings to myself because I despise it that much and take no pride in it. Honestly, I've never once said the name of the "sexual act" out loud, even to myself, because I despise it that much.
     

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