Reclaiming My Masculinity

After having to sever ties, being ostracized by the people I knew as friends who I grew up with(jr high, high school,1st attempt at college) and being treated differently by most of my family members because of a matter I rather not get into, I have found myself friendless for the past several years. At first it didn't bother me. I had become so egotistical that it gave me the time to focus more on Me, my education, and future career. As time passed I became ambitious to build a new improved circle of friends and develop meaningful relationships with potential mates. Easier said than done. I can vividly recall the first few attempts on my quest for new friends. I was a bit rusty at how it all happened. You know, what made people want to be friends. It was a terrible experience. One of them was bold enough to say, "I don't want to be your friend". I felt like I was in grade school again. It made me question myself. What was wrong with me? Was it something I said? Was it something I did or didn't do? Did I make them feel like I was not a nice person to be around? I was confused and as a result, my ambition to make new friends dwindled, while my ambition for sex, to be loved and appreciated ascended; but my confusing trickled into that category as well. I didn't want to make the same mistakes I made attempting to form friendships so I tried to eliminate or hide certain things about myself(mistakes,flaws,emotions) and become what I believe they want me to be(generous,helpful, a good lover, etc.). I would try to solve or fix other's situation without even being asked. Everything I would say would be to gain their approval. I even went as far as arguing a point, but then coming back and making them out to be the victim to avoid disapproval and even worse...not getting sex. "I'm the jerk", "I'm the idiot", "thanks for putting up with me", anything to not knock rock the boat...pathetic! I strive for perfection and in return I got my worth devalued, lies, and no respect. I stood for nothing, so I fell for anything. Thinking back on my actions, I become so disgusted with myself.

I am currently embarking on a mission to repair my masculinity back to its absolute power. I still have no male friends in my life and that has to change. It has been a while but I am beginning to remember that it is a process that begins with a commitment to develop male friendships. Its just more difficult as you get older. We have more responsibilities and most friendships have already been well established. I understand how essential it is to have friendships with other men because it has the potential for tremendous depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. Before my abrupt awakening I would frequently avoid doing anything that might upset my partner and cause them to not want to have sex with me. With male buddies around again, I can take comfort in knowing that even though my partner may be upset with me or think that I am a jerk, my buddies think I'm OK! I'll be less likely to resort to peacekeeping or fixing to try and keep my partner happy.
-I know you can always start over with someone else. There's more fish out there.

Besides friendships and sexual relationships the core of my rehabilitation begins with MYSELF.

* I am lovable just as I am.
* I am perfectly imperfect.
* My needs are important.
* I am a strong and powerful person.
* I can handle it.
* People love and accept me just as I am.
* It is OK to be human and make mistakes.
* I am the only person I have to please.