Continuous Relapsing. desperate for help

Hello Everyone, I usually like to give help but after what happened to me the last two weeks I can absolutely say that I need each word from you that can help me get out of this rut (Hell).
During the past two weeks, I kept promising that I won't come back to this loop again and suddenly GUESS WHAT? I go to it while I'm conscious and aware as if I was driving myself to complete destruction which is absolutely ridiculous and insane. The worst part about is that when I stay for 2 or 5 days clean MAN I just feel over the moon and fulfilled i get shit done and do the things I really like and feel happy about it however when I relapse I just stay away from things I love to do for example like programming or meditation and keep sobbing about it BUT still do it again? WTF!!!. I really don't know what to do? It feels like a trap... a severe trap.
WHAT should I do?

 

Thanks man for taking the time to write. I'm really crying right(NOT KIDDING) now as I'm writing this reply because of the pain and the stress I'm facing. stay strong brother there is a way out.

 

Thanks Man for taking the time to share this valuable info.

 

How can I do this bro? I'm an extreme introvert I have social anxiety and other shitty stuff. Sometimes I stay for 3 consecutive months at home without going out. I know it sounds insane but I really hate going out.

 

I can feel your pain bro, We are on the same boat We just need to fix the boat and start sailing into the ocean of dreams happiness.

 

Hallelujah... "If you shop at a particular grocery store" you really inspired me to do this. Thank you so much but I still have that fear of going out which I hope I'll break soon enough.

 

I guess walking in your free time with a good book to read during weekdays are your best friend as you don't have time for a time consuming hoppy.

 

GREAT, But trust me walking alone in a quiet place with a piece of nice calming music could be therapeutic. And as you walk stop and pick your book and read for 5 or 10 minutes as you like.

 

Don't forget to read Mindset. they say it's an extremely good book. It's actually on my list.

 

LOL, I think it's all part of the life you put yourself in so your mind just feels happy and relaxed when it sees sex consciously or unconsciously so it keeps pushing you to think about it all the time even when you are sleeping like a monster who keeps saying FEED ME MORE.