Am I bisexual? Gay porn and fantasies.

Hey everyone,

I'm a bit new to this site but I wanted to make this post to get some feedback. I know you guys cant define my sexuality for me but I just wanted your thoughts.

To make this short, I've been addicted to porn since I was 12 or 13. I started off on straight porn to see girls, and I've always liked girls and never wanted anything to do with guys. Always had crushes on women, checked them out, etc. I have never wanted to be with a guy at all.

This changed when I was introduced to gay porn. After a while I got hooked on it and it was my main porn I watched. Still straight porn too, but gay porn was the main. My gay porn addiction has gone on for years and up until this day. I don't think I am gay and still identify as straight, but I've now developed HOCD. I look back on all the things I've done and it scares me.

I've been worried I'm actually bi because I have all these fantasies about sucking dick and being dominated and being a bottom for a guy. After I orgasm, this goes away completely, but when I'm horny I feel like it's what I want. Mind you, this never happened before porn. But this gay porn addiction has lead me to go on grindr and sext with guys and put things in my ass because I was so warped by the porn and I thought it was what I wanted. I honestly feel like such shit because I dont feel like it's who I am. I've always liked women and wanted to be with them and even have a girlfriend right now who I love, but yet I have these fantasies about being dominated by a guy and sucking him off. When I fantasize about the gay stuff it feels so artificial, but for some reason gets me off even quicker than straight fantasies. If someone came up and asked me my orientation I would say straight, but after I all have fantasized about and watched I feel like I cant be. Recently when I first started developing the HOCD, I experimented with the bisexual label on myself, but it just doesnt feel right to me. No offense in any way to and bisexual people out there, but I just dont feel like it's who I really am.

I just wish I couldve never seen porn in the first place and wouldnt be having to deal with this. I just want to live worry-free. I'm in such a confusing spot right now. I should have actually mentioned that for about 3 weeks I have cut out porn and I have been seeing results. My gay fantasies werent as prominent and I've been thinking about women more. But just today, I saw something that lead me back to porn and I got off to it. And what makes it even worse is that I saw bunch of images of dicks and my fantasies jumped all over it and imagined me sucking them and I did get aroused from it. And I saw blowjob scene and my mind was thinking how I wished I was that girl giving the blowjob to that guy, but as soon as I orgasmed, this went away. I just feel so awful for being able to get aroused by dicks and I just feel like I'll never recover or find myself.

I dont really know what else to add but if anyone can give any input or advice, that would be great. Thanks.

 

If this is something that started after porn use it is probably coming from porn escalation. Get yourself through a reboot and see how you feel.

 

I understand how most people would assume that I would be bisexual, honestly if I were reading this from your standpoint, I probably would too. I just believe it is part of escalation. I started out on straight porn because I wanted to see naked women. I never had any sort of male fantasy before my porn addiction started. I have always wanted to be with women, have sex with them, check them out, etc. Not to sound weird or anything but I love women, everything about them. I have no desire to ever date a man and I have never seen a guy out in public that I wanted to have a sex with. All the fantasies are usually about people in porn that I've seen and reflect the material I was watching. But as I was saying about the escalation, I started on straight porn and it kept on getting more and more extreme. I ended up having to watch like hard anal stuff to get off. Then I developed some weird fetish for anal and it lead me to transgendered person porn. I got hooked on that and then it took a step forward to gay porn. I just dont feel deep down that I am bi and all these fantasies just seem artificial and just induced by porn.

 

Unfortunately it seems the account was deleted, I might have shared some thoughts as I went through the same thing. I'm sure you deleted it out of shame, confusion and what not. I recognize that. You watch porn and while doing it, it can be pretty exciting to confirm supposed bisexuality or homosexuality. But then when you're done, you feel absolutely repulsed. Classical conditioning/escalation.

If somehow you are still returning, rest assured you definitely have escalation induced hocd. I mean, a real gay person will feel attracted to the same gender aside from looking at porn. It's a type of escalation that is hard to put into words but resembles sissy fetish. Basically after a while your brain can no longer process the excitement of seeing women doing certain sexual stuff to men and it will in some very weird way start thinking that what it sees the women do is more fun than imagining being the man. This is pure escalation. It is absolutely messed up and one of the worst fetishes you can get. It is also one of the most exciting ones since it involves a lot of shock and perversion.

I have been porn free for nearly two years and it's only recently that I've been able to clearly see how big of a lie it really is. I mean I'd even date men as I was still heavily addicted and always ran away before anything happened as I felt so grossed out and could tell it wasn't what I wanted and that it was the porn messing with my head. But I kept having those fantasies. Long story short one day I decided to put another man's dong in my mouth and it repulsed me so much I thought I knew for sure. Next day, same old fantasies. That is what porn is capable of. It will mess up your mind if you let it. I was in that boat once, I no longer think of shirtless men with six packs as what I want and all of my wet dreams have been about women, you can't even begin to understand how much of a relief that has been. I had a serious porn addiction for the better part of a decade and slowly but surely this type of fetish can creep up on you. Everyone will at some point get into some sort of fetish because of the escalation involved and for some guys like us this sissy/gay type of thing just happens to be what the brain figures is the most exciting. It's nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time it is, it can create a lot of confusion and start messing with your head to the point of generating obsessions. The utmost important thing you must do is to stop watching porn. If you ever want to do away with this fetish, you need to stop masturbating to porn. Even then it will take years to slowly, slowly return to baseline arousal.

I'm sure any real gay person will be able to confirm being gay involves a heck of a lot more than jerking off to other men. I mean obviously they will do this but they won't be ashamed because of it let alone feel real life attraction towards women. It can be so utterly confusing for a whole bunch of reasons but at the end of the day it's really simple. You aren't meant to watch porn and it's only when you stop and listen to your heart that the truth will set you free. If you feel no sexual attraction towards men in real life and don't spend days thinking about one particular gay the way you do about women, you can't be bi. Fantasy does strange things. Did you know the most common sexual fantasy women have involves lesbian sex and rape? Somehow what we want the least in real life, often can be the most exciting in fantasy. These fetishes they just creep up on you. That's just what porn does, countless stories of men escalating into sissy or transgender fetish.

Anyway hope it helps man and just remember that you won't be able to overcome without tackling the root cause which most definitely is your porn consumption. That is what is feeding your doubts, confusion and obsessions.

 

No problem. Sure, feel free to contact.
Best regards

 

I've had a similar experience with porn, however mine differs a little. I started looking at porn when I was twelve, and then it was only straight porn. Three to four years later, gay porn cropped up and I began to have doubts on my sexuality. These doubts escalated until I accepted that I was gay. HOWEVER, I rarely looked at gay porn in general, and my porn addiction still lies with primarily straight pornography, even though I am gay. As I usually never watch gay porn, when I do I don't feel the same need I feel when I watch other pornography, nor do I really feel shame. If you feel shameful and disgusted after watching gay/bi pornography, chances are it is addiction related.