Love many trust few, but always paddle your own canoe

Hi everyone

I've known about this community for a long time but finally pulled my finger out and decided to give this another go.

I previously used to post on feedtherightwolf many years ago when I was in a relationship and struggling with online porn addiction, so I'm no stranger to the world of nofap.

It's been a very long time I've suffered from this, when I realised I had a problem many years ago I went through the proper channels - doctor visits, counselling through NHS (I'm in the UK) and lots of self help reading and expensive psychotherapy (£60 a week for my last therapist)

I was a virgin until I was 25 - I was/am an incel and relied on porn because of loneliness. I was overwight tipping the scales at over 17 stone. At the time I think all this nofap business was in its infancy, and certainly in the UK it wasn't a widely recognised problem, however I think nowdays there is more help available.

I've been single now since 2013 when I broke up with my ex gifriend of 6 years.

Throughout this relationship I had erection problems and delayed ejaculation. Our sex life was terrible but we loved each other all the same. Looking back I was masking a lot of issues I had with myself; Lying to myself and her.

I definitely wasn't ready to have a serious relationship at the time. After the breakup I was suicidal for a long time. My career in 3D animation went down the drain and I lost all my self esteem.

I paid for sex once during this period... after being broken up for about a year and feeling particularly down, I was on a stag-do in Amsterdam and went to a window girl. I felt disgusted with myself and suicidal after.

I tried dating another girl shortly after this to try to 'fix myself' but I had the same issues I had with my ex so I ended the relationship after about a month. Since then I've been on my own.

Since this time I've made some big improvements in my life. I left my old career as a 3D artist behind, broke up with my 'mistress' - my desktop gaming computer/fapstation, sold all my games, lost four stone in weight through diet and exercise, and made a serious effort to stay off porn - managed nearly two months last year. Felt like a champ

Lots of good things have happened since the breakup to me and I've gained a lot more self respect, but I'm still lonely and use porn - albeit less habitually than I used to as I know full well the consequences.

In the recent few years I've fallen off the wagon a bit in terms of my fitness, I don't go to the gym anymore and my diet is pretty rubbish. I've not gained much weight but feel physically and mentally weak because of it.

I've attempted to start with yoga a few times to gently ease my old bones back into action and I'd love to take up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu but I'm not in one place long enough to justify the membership to either.

In terms of depression I've found travel has helped me immensely - I own a motorcycle and did a long tour round Europe last year which was incredible (and expensive...) Also working a winter season here in the Alps was an amazing experience.

I've not seen a counsellor or therapist for years as I got a bit fed up of the whole process. I don't take anti depressants as I genuinely believe they wouldn't help me with my issues. I've taken them before and have a close family member who is on SSRI meds and is now dependant on them. This is my opinion and choice, I'd rather confront the issues head on as I believe it's the right thing to do for myself.

I have been to three Ayahuasca retreats in the last couple of years in place of therapy and it has been incredibly beneficial to my mental well being, although I have to put in the hard work myself after to apply what I've learnt from each ceremony.

I love the great outdoors, snowboarding, mountain biking and motorbiking has replaced gaming for me as my main passion in life. However I still get depressed and suffer loneliness.

Eventually I want to be able to settle down with a beautiful soul and forge a future together. I've still got time at 37 years old but the clock is ticking.

For a long while now I've not been interested in a relationship; I play the scenario out in my head and I always see it ending in tears like my last relationship did.

I've learnt that I use porn as a substitute for loneliness, it feeds my depression and self-hatred. Shame is a big problem it seems.

I love women and want to stop objectifying them. In the last few years I've gained more female friends - sisters if anything which has helped me greatly.

I've decided I've got to take more direct action on this subject, I've just ended a 15 day streak of nofap last night. Instead of getting down and depressed I'm congratulating myself on getting that far - it was actually quite easy to get to 15 days; however I know it gets more difficult as time goes on - dealing with
with loneliness being the main problem!

I've managed nearly two months nofap in the past - combined with diet and exercise and without any help. I felt like superman in the second month, although looking back I started trying to find a hookup through tinder towards the end of that streak, and even contemplated getting an escort rather than watch porn again...

I was attracting women with a lot of personality issues during this time; one in particular I told her about my nofap journey and she started to try to sabotage my progress - sending me sexy pics and etc. But she had no intention of meeting me in person. I had an over-inflated ego at the time, it's true you definitely attract what you are!

So I think now I need to find something to fill these long lonely nights in the evening that is more productive and I also get a kick out of. So that's what brought me here today.

I'm not the sort of guy - or never have been that has casually hooked up with girls. I don't like drinking or nights out, am a bit anti-drugs/meds and I really do enjoy my own company quite a lot! I don't feel really at all to enter into another relationship yet.

So in a nutshell, that is me and my life where I am now, am looking forward to making some genuine connections and friendships here and we can help each other beat this shit for good!

 

Thankyou. Sorry for the long post, needed to vent, get it off my chest, the more people know about the problem the less power it has over me

 

Thankyou cookie monster, this site's giving me something to focus on while I'm away from home. And hopefully when I'm back at home as well