Help: My gf no longer finds me attractive

I'm seeing a lot of contradictions in your post. You say she is sympathetic but she has certain expectations of you being a man that are hard and fast. You say she said once attractiveness is gone, it never comes back. And yet, you are asking how to regain it.

First of all, she is wrong about the attractiveness thing in my view. Lots of married couples struggle with this and resolve it. However, it sounds more like what she calls "attractiveness" is more about "respect". And, if she has lost respect for you, that doesn't usually return.

Two people in a relationship have to genuinely want to work together to resolve their issues. If she's just expecting you to fix it and and you're just expecting you to fix it, that won't work.

You did cause this rift with your porn use, that is true, but now you're working to get better. I've read some of your other posts and it doesn't really sound like your partner is on board. Plus, men can go through ED for many other reasons later in life. Will she lose attractiveness for you then as well?

I'm sorry, it just doesn't sound to me like she is in it as a couple with you. I wish I could say something better. But, if my wife told me she was no longer attracted to me and never would be again, I would divorce. I would still love her but I just couldn't live that way.

I hope this helps, I know it was hard to hear, I hope I'm wrong.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Don't marry someone you can't be Mr. Nice Guy with and still be considered attractive. The cat and mouse thing isn't healthy. I don't know her so I can't say but it does sound a little BPD.

 

Good for you to recognize this! I was going to suggest that actually. And to-be clear, your still a nice person & a good person, you just don't overly criticize and concern yourself with her judgements & opinion.
I think Quinn gave you the perfect advice. I am currently living with my gf, I have made her aware of my porn addiction and how i have struggled quitting porn for 5 years now. She doesn't like porn, she doesn't want me looking at it, she knows it harms our attraction to eachother, but she is very supportive kind and loving because she knows how hard I'm working at it and how serious i am. I show that with my actions not my words and so if i do stumble she is truly only there to help me up not criticize me. And it makes me want to do better each time. But i am always honest with her i don't lie or hide it. Just to give you an example. You deserve someone like that for what your doing.
Judgemental, dominate, walls up, high maintenance, says she isn't attracted to you. That's alot of negativity & baggage on HER part! Now imagine having to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. Now imagine finding someone who is the opposite of all those things in your life, see what I'm getting at? You are clearly growing and if she isn't willing to work on herself alongside you than you are going to eventually grow apart. Your doing something awesome right now and at 54 days she should be impressed and more attracted to you than ever. I have no doubt you love her & i know there is no easy answers, just a perspective from another guy doing NoFAP in a relationship.

 

I've been there before.

Tend to think that going back doesn't really work.

Those are quite harsh words to hear as well. Power in relationships lies with who needs it the least.

 

SO perspective here. There is nothing more insulting to a woman than her man being able to enjoy another woman's body and be erect for it and NOT FOR HER. It is the biggest insult. I don't blame your girlfriend for having walls around herself and trying to protect herself!

 

I get that but she's basically told him the walls will never come down which is an unworkable relationship. No matter how much better he gets, it's never going to be good enough. That's pretty much what she has told him (in his words).

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I don't see where he wrote that she will never remove the walls. Can you quote for me?
I am always a bit skeptical when I read addict's version of the truth-the addict mind lives in resentment and story telling to justify P use and decrease self shame. Everyone else is at fault and the addict is a victim. These thought processes take literally months to years to unlearn and that is after they are recognized.

 

If she doesn’t want to help you on your journey then drop her.ask her If she wants to help you in your journey.

The last thing you need is a domineering ,judgemental woman. If she’s telling you how unattracted she is ,the next step is cheating. Drop her.

 

Your girlfriend is probably extremely bitter and hurt that your porn addiction took the part of you that was made exclusively for her and now she is arguing about topics rather than issues. Like @TheMightyQuinn I'm tempted to believe that she really mean "respect" (issue) when she talks about attraction (topic). The loss of respect is one of the absolute hardest things to work through for an SO. The PIED (topic) is of course a constant reminder for her that you choose to do what you did, or rather, choose other women over her (issue).

If you truly love this woman, try to work it out with her. I'm sure she is not so nice to deal with at the moment, as she is damaged from betrayal and that doesn't bring out the best in any one. Please urge her and help her to work on that. If she wanna stay in the relationship, she needs to find tools to propel herself out of the bad state she is in. And she needs an amount of compassion and understanding that might seem ridiculous to most, but it's absolutely essential for her to heal.

Big changes in you over time will probably be enough for her to be drawn to you again. If the attraction was there in the beginning, can it really be eternally lost? I somehow doubt it.

 

As mentioned above- it is extremely painful for a woman to know that she can’t get you hard but another woman can.

I felt that loss of attraction towards my man at an early point in his journey. The PIED hurt me so deeply. I would sit alone and cry to myself thinking “wow he can watch women on screen and imagine having sex with them and have no problem- I must be so disgusting to him! I’m real and wanting him but he isn’t interested” I too felt like he was less of a man- I hate to admit that. I wanted more than anything to be what he desired and I failed. I’d think back to past sexual partners and remember the look of desire, remember the animalistic lust, remember how it felt to be passionate. We didn’t have that and it made me feel like a failure as a woman.

Another reason I lost attraction to him was because he (like a lot of men) believe sex ends the very second they climax, not caring if their wife has finished. I explained it to him that next time he doesn’t let me finish I will do the same to him. I’ll get on top for a few seconds and walk away leaving him frustrated as he does to me.
We’ve worked this issue out and my attraction towards him is back. He really is the most handsome sexy man I’ve ever known. A part of why I am so hurt by the porn is because I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid he will compare me to those models and realize he’s way too good looking for me.

Last weekend we got into a huge fight. I put on lingerie and seduced him. He couldn’t stay hard. He then sat up and said “now you’re never going to wear lingerie again because you’re going to think I’m not attracted to you” then got up and left the room... I went to talk to him but he stayed quiet so I left the house. He calmed down and texted me. He was right that I thought he was thinking I’m not attractive - it had NOTHING to do with porn though. His dick didn’t want to stand attention, so what! He could have held me, kissed me, massaged me, continued to make me feel good. I was angry because I felt stupid... he ended sex when he realized he wasn’t going to have an orgasm- I felt used- like because he knew he couldn’t finish there was no point in either finishing me or choosing to cuddle. He then made excuses “you caught me off guard, we just came home from dinner I was full!” Once again I felt less attracted to him because he showed me that my interest in him is only wanted when he can get something in return. His excuse also taught me not to initiate again in case I catch him off guard. It really has little to do with the PIED and everything to do with feeling unwanted.

 

It’s not that she deserves better... you both do, and you’re going to make that happen by quitting the porn.

I did open up to him and he also felt relieved that I didn’t care about the erection problem. I think men place a higher importance on their penis than women do.

I also suffer from anxiety over sex- for me, it is because I take a long time to finish and in porn the women “climax” with every thrust which is so fake- but my man used to make comments about how long i took which caused me a lot of anxiety. Even now, he is 10 months in his recovery and I still think to myself “oh no! I’m taking too long! He’s tired, he wishes I would just finish” and then I lose my desire. Anxiety hits both men and women for strange reasons.

I think you guys should work on communicating together. There is a book that helped us called “ love you, hate the porn” it doesn’t shame men and doesn’t make women feel like a victim it teaches how to communicate better and really helped us

 

Honestly, it doesn't matter if you did or you didn't. We feel like you did. Think about all the bodies you looked at that were different that your g/f's. Think about how that makes her feel. You were looking at hundreds, probably thousands of other women's bodies that were not hers and getting off to them. That will break anyone's self esteem, no matter how strong it is. It is also interesting to note that studies have shown that the more porn men look at, the less satisfied they become with their partners by virtue of the constant variety and ability to have what they want at any moment.

You might not have compared her intentionally, but it eventually turns into that and you probably didn't even realize it.

 

I wonder if this is all backwards, that the PIED is not the issue to focus on? By focussing on PIED the whole thing is about sexual performance, but perhaps that's not the real issue.

I might sound sexist here, but I think a big part of what makes a woman find a man attractive is that he makes her feel attractive, feeling attracted to someone and feeling attractive to them are somehow symmetric.

So woo her. Woo her again. At the start of your relationship the person you are and the actions you made caused her to fall for you. What were they? Now you are both different people and so it may not be as easy as repeating what you did then, but that's OK, you've got time. Do the work, think hard about how to woo her back.

You don't have to read many of the wive's or girlfriend's journals here to know that this just is not true. Your girlfriend may actually believe it, but it is not true. There seem to be three possible outcomes

1. She finds forgiveness and can move on from her sense of hurt,
2. She buries her hurt and gets on with life, eventually she no longer dwells on the betrayal, or
3. She cannot move on and eventually the relationship ends.

I doubt it's that clear cut, but you see what I'm getting at: "never be regained" is not true in many cases.

So what's the goal? Clearly you are frightened by the PIED, and so fixing that has been your personal goal. But I'd go for two different goals:

1. Quit porn. It's bad for you, bad for your relationship, bad for the women in the porn industry, and bad for societies the world over. But, as we have all found, quitting porn is nearly impossible. If you are like me you will have to really look deeply at yourself to quit this addiction. That's a gift, go for it.
2. Win her back. Don't focus on sex at all, just focus on your feelings for her. Realise all the hundreds of little moments every day that remind you how much you love her and try to make some of them visible to her.

This is hard. Wives and girlfriends know we are trying to make amends and so our praise can seem empty. To give it weight you will need to back it up with action. Not just the obvious things (flowers, date nights), though those are valuable, but be consistent with the little things. @Queen_Of_Hearts_13 use to call it 'micro-trust' (when she was around these parts - come back we miss you!) Our porn addiction somehow took us away from the relationship more than we realised. I thought I was compartmentalising, I took secret time to indulge in porn, but I did not realise how much that secrecy bled out into the rest of my life. Be present, don't get defensive during emotional talks, open up about stuff even if it's scary or you feel stupid, and do the little things, like following through and doing what you say you will do, before she has to remind you. All of those start to add up.

I'm sure there were moments when my various disclosures made my wife feel that she might never find me attractive again. Now she says that she has never felt more loved (and we've been together 36 years!)

Good luck.