Someone please explain

Hi. I am 19yo and i m on 1 year 7 months no p streak (m'ed in between without p). now i started 90 days no pmo. todays my 105th day while posting.

Before moving on i want to tell you that im not living at my home right now. i am out of station for pursuing higher studies, living alone in my room. Please read following story and give your best opinions.

I experienced very weirdest thing in my life for the first time. on 1 august at about 1.30, i came back to my room from institution. i was tired and due to social anxiety i hardly want to leave my room. i had to leave because our food mess is on top floor and i was hungry also so i had to bring my own food. but i couldnt. so i got angry on myself. i lied down on bed and started hitting myself with pillow. i started pinching my hair. fighting with self. i hit myself, hands, legs, and head. this happened for 3 minutes. then i got up feeling very weak. then suddenly i felt a lot of energy in myself. all my social anxiety, mood swings, etc got vanished completely. i felt like my blood pressure is rising and i m going to be dead. i was frightened. i felt very restless in my room very!!! i immediately left the room and headed towards ground floor. for a moment still, i was not feeling any kind of social anxiety. felt like my mind is in a shutdown state. not feeling anything.

Then after some hours, i felt like i am afraid of myself. i was not liking any sexual thoughts. thinking about porn made me scared. today after 2 weeks i m feeling very sad. im criticizing why did i do all that. I feel like i relapsed but i didnt! i only got mad.

Situation is such that i am not fantising anymore, no thoughts. no urges. i think maybe im flatlining, not sure. i am not wanting to watch porn, or play video games. my mind is already escaping i dont need any source. one more thing is that, from that day onwards i m not able to sleep. i sleep at 10 then i would wake up at 12. then again at 4. there is a flood of thoughts in my brain. and i go emotional often. i feel like crying. i am afraid at this moment, have i done something irreversible. is it called flatlining or it is a hormonal change in me? i repeat, no urges at all.

I also think if i m'ed (although i am not urged), things will come back to normal. shall I?

someone please share their thoughts on it. thanks.

 

Seems as though you have trouble in dealing with frustration and fear and other unwanted emotions. Recovery can definitely makes us feel many things we don’t want to feel. But the point is YOUR feeling emotions and that’s good. It’s seems as though u have to now see how to deal with those emotions especially when u feel frustrated on them. Recovery can be scary sometimes but with researching ways of mindful habits etc it will make recovery much more easier. Social anxiety isn’t a good feeling but it’s about knowing to not hate yourself or to be mad at yourself but to love yourself and improve on yourself.