My F'd up relationship

Ok. I can't really speak to the God side of the conversation happening here right now, but I can definitely speak to facing yourself. Pride hurts you. Facing yourself will take that pride down a notch, owning the hurt that you have caused will take that down a notch. Seeing the pain that is in your son's eyes and knowing it is your actions that have caused that. Uhg, I feel for you dude. I have been there and it is a knife straight to the heart. Let that emotion in your throat come out. Don't try and spit it out. Acceptance is the path.

Think of solitude like a muscle. You work out everyday. You can now do things in the gym that were impossible to you when you started. To get to a place of acceptance of yourself you must work the muscle of accepting who you are WITH the bad. You may not be the hero, but you are worth love. I have found meditation to be the best way to practice self compassion. My thoughts drift and I bring them back gently. In that way you practice being gentle with yourself. Also, when I was out and about and I would catch myself looking at women I would try to use acceptance and tell myself that is not good for me, but I understand why you want that.

 

My separation was extremely painful for me. I relapsed really bad after 8 mo of sobriety. I was binging and still doing counseling and group. The one thing that was different was that I was being honest in those settings, but for me i had some serious problems acting out at first. Due to my codependant tendancies it was hard for me to really set my own boundaries for my recovery in the context of the relationship. It took me about 3 months to get back on track and then I was able to really sustain recovery for more than a week. Right now I struggle to get past 6-8 months. The huge benefit for me was after going through separation I was extremely firm on what I need to do to stay sober for me.

 

So true. Without letting go of pride and stepping into authentic community we just stay stuck in our cycles of addiction. The power of others who understand the struggle is immeasurable.

Thanks man! Congrats on almost a week!

 

Two weeks in right now. It doesn't really feel like a new streak though. I am continuing to view my year as mostly sober. My wife and I are still struggling with triggers. We got in a fight friday night and saturday pretty much all day was conflict. I decided to read some partner journals. I just wanted to get perpective. I read a jounal by a woman that started 2 years ago and she went from loving her PA to finding out that he had been with hundreds of prostitutes and getting lost in a sea of depression/hurt/anger/hope/sadness etc. she described how in one day she would go from loving him and thinking everything would be ok to wanting to leave him immediately and everything in between. I was hoping to see them work it out, but it seems like she is now giving up on their relationship. I just have this question in my head. Is it worth it for anyone to stay together? Are we just doomed to a rollercoaster of pain?

As I read that I was seeing my SO and how volatile her emotions have become. I am over here experiencing true joy for the first time in my life and she bares the weight of my lies. Like a ship in stormy seas she is being tossed by the waves of her emotions. I know that she needs me to be consistant and it is so unfair that she has to depend on a recovering addict for consistancy. I struggle with these questions, but I am not giving up yet. We are heading on a family vacation this week so that will be good. It is always fun to get away. Maybe we will have a breakthrough and get over the hump of empathy soon. Maybe we will find new ways to talk about the hurt. Maybe I will find my way helping her feel understood. Those are possibilities.

Today is a beautiful day and I am thankful to be in recovery. I went to my second SAA meeting this week. I struggle with some of the program at this point, but that is mostly because I stuggle with my concept of God. I hope everyone is having a good and sober weekend.

 

Thanks you too! I like nofap because you can find both types of people on here. I just want to get out from under this addiction. Start living

 

Today was a long day. I woke at 4am and had to drag my tried butt out of bed to get to work. We decided to work 5 to 1:30 this week as it is super hot here right now. I ended up working until 4. So I caught some of that afternoon heat anyways. Most of the day was nice though. My wife and I have been stuggling in the evenings lately. Tonight has been no different. We got in a fight at the end of the night last night because I wanted to get on tech to check nofap after she went to bed and she responded to that question by being all over the place. I was expecting her to make a quick emotinal assessment of herself and say yay or nay, but that didnt happen. She accused me of not caring about her needs or boundaries and then told me to do whatever I want to do. She obviously didn't want me to get on the tech, but couldn't just say it. Like it pissed her off to have to express what her needs are. Then tonight she was super mad when I got home from work and I told her that I needed to eat before having an emotional talk. So she said, "fine I will just go upstairs and live until you are ready to come up at YOUR convenience." So I thought, yup definitely need to eat first. That is not the kind of talk you want to go into hungry. Anyways I had to make dinner for the kids too because she was emotionally not ok. So I made something simple and made a salad for myself and then had the kids get started cleaning up after dinner and told them I was going to be upstairs talking with mom and not to bother me. Then we talked. After my recent reset I agreed to just do whatever she wanted for boundaries for 4 weeks. To see if that feels better to her, So she gave me a list of daily things she wanted me to do for her safety. But it isn't going so well because now she just accuses me of treating it like a checklist. Like oh you checked the saftey box today. So I feel pretty stuck. She told me she doesnt want me to ask her if she feels ok for me to be on tech after she goes to bed. At this point it just seems like if she doesnt feel safe then it will be my fault even if I am doing everything she asks for. And her solution is going to be to just add more and more to the list.

I think that the reason she doesnt feel safe is because of what is in her head. Not because of what I am doing in real time. So anything I do wont change her feelings. She has been telling me lately that she just needs some reassurance and then when I give genuine reassurance she accuses me of just saying the words. Idk if there is anything I can do to help this person. I own and have owned over and over again that I have placed this pain on her, but it doesn't seem that my behavior is going to change her feelings.

So what do I do now? I think that all I can really do is just focus on myself and my recovery. Set my own safety boundaries and negotiate the ones she has problems with. No more 3 hr conversations. They are just not worth the time. We both end up feeling discourage at the end of those marathons. If you cannot state what you are feeling in 30 min or less then you are not sure what you are feeling and should not be trying to express it.

I need to finish my clairification letter. I need to develope my dailies since my nighttime routine has been messed up from this last month.

 

Im not sure what "boss" stage is?

the expectation that that i will know what she needs without her expressing it is not realistic.

To be fair, she has expressed a lot of her needs that i just did not do as well so I have some ownership in this specific part of our relationship.

 

I just got back from a week at the beach and man that place sooths my soul. It calms me like nothing else can. I will post more later. Hope everyone is doing well!