Help: My gf no longer finds me attractive

My view is this:

Most of your posts about your conversations with her are the same. Topics include:

She thinks you are not a real man.
She just is not in a place to be supportive of you right now.
She wants to see other people.
She has needs that you do not fulfill.
You are trying to figure out how to meet those needs and convince her that you can.
You are trying to change yourself to make the relationship work (co-dependency).

The responses you have received have fallen into two camps:

judgemental of her and supportive of you: she is not being supportive of you and you need that and that's on her
Judgemental of you and supportive of her: you are the addict and this is your fault and you should be the one being supportive of her

I really think neither of these apply in your situation.

She is telling you loud and clear that this isn't working and will not work. The only thing she is not doing is saying "I'm breaking up with you." I do think that's on her because that's what a person should do when they know it will never work. Instead, she's stringing it along with "seeing other people". When someone tells you that you should see other people, they are saying that's what they want to do. I don't think she's necessarily doing it maliciously, I do think, just like you, she can't say "I'm breaking up with you". There's a blocker there for some reason.

I seldom give advice so I'll say it this way: if I were in your situation I would break up with her and try to be neutral about it (not her fault, your fault, just not a workable relationship).

Sorry, wish I could say it better but I do feel that encouraging you or trying to help you fix something I don't think can be fixed would be enabling on my part.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Missing from that list is a statement about how you are the right person for her and the only one she desires to be with.

1. Her life is a mess and she can’t deal with the emotional drain of losing me.
- but if it were not a mess, would she still be with you? If she ever gets it together, will she leave? You serve a function for her, could be permanent, could be temporary, but it is very codependent

2. I’ve been instrumental is helping her deal with her depression and she says if it wasn’t for me she couldn’t cope with her situation.
- again, you're serving her in a function role, you are being codependent.

3. She’s tried the meeting other men and she was disappointed.
- she tried to find someone better but hasn't so she's settling for you...for now.
4. She’s facing so much uncertainty at work and I provide financial and emotional stability.
- again, functional.

I did not hear "I love you". I did not hear "I choose you above all others". What I'm hearing is "you're useful to me right now, I've tried to find someone more useful but so far haven't so I'm still here".

Sorry, I know this is harsh.

Have you considered going to therapy for codependency? I have 6 years of recovery in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). I think it would really help you.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I feel for you dude. I'm in my late twenties and have only had one serious relationship. This relationship lasted for 3 years, and recently ended as of 2 weeks ago. My ED was always a problem and she was patient and understanding in the beginning but soon lost interest in sex. I couldn't remember the last time she initiated, and the only time wed have sex was when she felt she had a duty to make me happy. Most other aspects of the relationship were great.

After we broke up we discussed several days later what truly bothered us. I brought up the lack of sex, and to hear her say that it wasn't like she didn't like sex, but it was always a problem for us damn near sent me straight to rock bottom. It was something I always knew, but chose to block out of my mind until hearing confirmation.

I tried to reboot while in a relationship but it never seemed to work. If it wasn't ED, it was PE from not touching myself. The relationship continued to deteriorate.

She wants to get back together but this will always be on my mind, and something I cant get over. Despite most aspects being fantastic, the need for your partner to be attracted to you is critical. Sooner or later it is bound for disaster if they're not.

I am now taking the selfish route of putting myself before anything, and will do anything to fix my problem to ensure this doesnt control my life and end future relationships.

I loved this woman, but I knew what I needed to do in order to truly be happy. I dont know your relationship but sometimes the decision on what to do is obvious, even if it's something you're not comfortable with. Be selfish, focus on yourself, and if you think hard mode will help give it a try. It will be infinitely easier without having the temptation of a partner.

I started august 4th along with a kegel routine and gym routine. I plan to document biweekly our monthly journals.

Good luck and if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM

 

You must see that the moment she finds someone that in her mind is superior to you, she will break you and leave with that person, until then she will only keep dragging you down with her.

 

Leave her as soon as you can, she is not worth your time or sanity.

 

Hi, @ironmaing

Please check out codependency issues pronto. The problem is not that she is high maintenance and dominant, the problem is that you are with her when she is like that and you even took her back after she tried to leave you before. I see a deep feeling of inadequacy and shame reflected in your actions.

It is likely you think that you are only lovable if you are useful.
It is likely that you think that if you do enough for a person like her, she will eventually love you
It is likely that at your core you do not think you deserve to be loved as you are.

I am advocating breaking up in this case, not so much because of her, but because of _you_. As long as you are with her, your view is that she is the problem, and you will continue to try to adapt yourself to her, you will keep the focus on her. You post about her and how to meet her needs but very little on what your needs are for yourself. If you split from the relationship, and start some serious codependency work in earnest, you will start to see how you are getting in your own way and causing your own problems.

For example, she may be dominant and high maintenance but you are with her and you took her back. You are financially and emotionally supporting her and getting no love from her. That tells me something about _you_.

Not an indictment, just trying to help. Break the cycle of codependency (believe it or not, you'll find quitting porn easier). Then you will find you can truly be happy.

The answer lies in fixing yourself, not in finding the right person.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

From what I'm reading there is a lot of self doubt here. It's cliche but I can't stress the importance of weight lifting to you guys. Especially a strong leg, core and glute routine.

When you see those muscles grow, it's real difficult to doubt yourself, and it translates into confidence in bed. Your stamina will jump by leaps and bounds. And you don't have to do cardio. In fact you actually reap more cardiovascular benefits from weight lifting than cardio. Sounds weird I know, because we've been taught cardiovascular exercise for cardiovascular health. But that isn't true.

Work legs, core and glutes and you greatly expand the vessels that feed blood to the penis, much firmer erections. Also heart doesn't work so hard. You come at her with a firmer, larger erection, more confidence, and the ability to really show her your raw masculine energy, and lust for her with real physical enthusiasm, her confidence is going to go through the roof.

 

Man I relate to you on a unreal level. My soon to he ex wife and your woman seem to be the exact same. If it's any advice I can give you, is just call it off with her. Because when she finally says she is done and you try to fix it. She will do nothing but bully you and tell everyone about your issue. Women like her are vindictive as can be really it's a narcissistic behavior.

 

Dud just get away from that. You dont need it.

 

You are the back up guy, the one she keeps as a "just in case" whatever else she has planned doesn't work out. You are not number one. You are the last resort. She goes and does whatever she wants and comes back to you when she is done because you are still there. And when you become a little aloof and distant, she thinks her back up might be gone so suddenly she has to do a little work to keep you hooked. Once you are hooked again she is off doing her own thing, knowing you are standing around just waiting for her to decide.

Why do you feel that you deserve to be treated in such a way? Do you value yourself that little?

If you have to play head games to keep a relationship going, it's not a relationship at all.

 

Bro I am tackling the codependency thing hard core and you are 100% spot on.

It’s a Shitty way to think and self healing I find really has helped pull me out of this rut. Also another mentions working out and redefining your personal goals— that too had helped get the ball rolling .

It’s like “why should a person settle?”

They don’t when they know something better is waiting.

They settle when they feel stuck, because they lost hope.

Codependency ruins lots of viable relationships by masking as selflessness.

Would like to hear More in your experiences combatting this.

 

Squats, lunges, barbell hip thrusts, calf press,

 

Around the age of 30 most woman are becoming much meaner and arrogant becouse they hit the wall at that age (they are starting losing looks before that) but that is most visible at the age of 30 and It affects their behavior that they are much less attractive to man and that is why they are becoming much more arrogant and meaner

They still can be attractive after age of 30, but they will never be attractive as they was in their 20s

The older they get they become more angry, meaner and bitter, not just they are becoming meeeeh for eyes but they are also poison for brain

This is not outside of my thoughts, this is all well researched



It is ok to stay with older woman only if you love her and she loves you, in other cases, she is definitely not worth your time

 

Wow. Hahahaha. Don't quit your day job.

 

Wow, that was ridiculous.

-Quinn