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Feeling bad after sex? Depression?

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by melonka, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    My husband is on reboot, it's about 4 months, 3,5 since last relapse. Flatline is gone and we occasionally have sex.
    Before reboot he felt down after pmo, but not after sex. Now he feels down after sex, exactly like before after porn. First when it happened was in the flatline when he wasn't that much into, but now he was. What is that? How can you handle that?

    Some more info that may be relevant: he probably has depression or similar. The biggest issue with him is that he have time periods when he just want to hide in his room and do nothing (yt, games, pmo). Now he stopped porn, but when it hits he m. Than the vacation is gone, he starts to work again and everything is ok. After some adjustment period. It would be ok, when he would be happy about it, but he feel the need to feel miserable and useless. He says he wants that actually the whole time to be miserable but he fights it on normal days but than he needs to be miserable, 'himself' again. Now he had that period again and in the adjustment phase we had sex and he wanted it. And than he felt down cause of it. I'm almost sure that his main issue with the need to feel miserable is not caused by porn, cause it happened before his addiction, but maybe some of you can relate? What do you recommend?

    I have theory that he used p as ventil for the feeling of nihilism and now he doesn't have it, and uses sex for it. But than why it drains energy?
    He can do all the wholesome things like meditation, sport and so on normal days, and it helps just a bit, the miserable days come and he can't make himself to shower.
     
    Omeed likes this.
  2. I felt like total shit after sex. I have been abstaining for 200 days. Than I had sex with new girl. 1st friday I came 4 times. Felt like shit. Gave me 7 days to regroup. 2nd friday came and I came 4 times. Felt like shit. 3rd friday came, I came 3 times, when she wanted 4th I said.. let me be.

    Than I break up with her. Tomorrow is 4th friday and Im so happy Im single.

    I was depressed, suicidal thoughts, sadness, empty, no willpower, looked like shit.

    Now I start to feel ok.

    Haven seen porn for more than 1 year.

    I guess I masturbated without porn maybe 3 times this year. Previous year I was fighting the addiction and I had a good fight and I was mostly clean.

    So its 2 years already.


    Y3s, sometimes I want to be alone to. When I feel bad, I want to be alone, thats me, and possibly your partner as well.

    Is he aquarius?
     
    Buddhabro likes this.
  3. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    Some people see ejaculation or orgasm as a draining thing that ruins everything. It is about how serious you take the folks at Semen Retention in my opinion.
     
  4. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    But before reboot it wasn't the issue.

    What do you mean by aquarius?
     
  5. When you say occasional sex, you will need to be more specific. I mean you don't have to share the exact frequency with us but if you look online there are some interesting theories to be found about how many times it can be done without experiencing too much of an energy drainage. Most eastern philosophies seem to agree on a maximum ejaculation frequency of 1 time per month. Anything above that may affect your husband's resilience, depending on how strong he is. Given that he has or had a masturbation habit, you should definitely consider managing your sex life for his good as he is probably already suffering from sexual exhaustion. Rest assured this is a real condition. Male ejaculation is a very intense experience that requires what you could call core energy. There are also ways of having sex without ejaculation you can learn so there's no need to completely avoid being intimate. But yeah ejaculation can be a real energy zapper if it's overdone. From my experience sex can have a pretty bad chaser effect as well, making it tempting to masturbate in the days after. This isn't particularly helpful, as it can act as a double whammy.
     
  6. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    And studies say, couples with sex about once per week are on happiest. I get it, that he needs maybe time to recovery, but saying ejaculation once in month should be top, its edge and not in normal healthy sex life.
    I can't imagine being happy and sex only once a month for a lifetime.
    It's now once a week or once per two.

    We don't have problems with intimacy. During his addiction I got enough orgasms through fingering or mouth and have had enough penetration without his finishing. It doesn't give satisfaction of sex at all. I feel loved but not desired through it. He always preferred to cuddle with me, massage, stroking, fingering and everything else and almost reserved ejaculation for porn. He went for me for intimacy and to porn for sex. I really don't like the idea of getting more of that shit for lifetime.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2019
  7. Sex in any case is healthier than masturbation or porn. But even that can wear a man out. The time it takes for a sperm cell to mature, about 1.5 months should more or less give you an idea of how often a man can ejaculate without depleting his vitality.
    I understand it's not the same but at the same time doing it less often can strenghten a relationship in different ways. The sex will also be better if you let the desire reach new heights. I am by no means a sex therapist but do know the difference between daily or weekly ejaculation and monthly ejaculation. It is day and night. In the end it's his/your decision, you just want to make sure he doesn't ejaculate too often, let alone by himself when he has a wife desiring him. Waiting a fortnight isn't unreasonable you know, you just want to make sure he gets enough time to recover in between.
    Good luck either way
     
  8. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Ok, we tried it, to have sex without his ejaculation. He still felt down afterwards.
    I got orgasm and he said that he felt relaxed after I got it. It's also that he always tries to get me one, even if I say that I don't need it nessecerly and just feels nice to feel the penetration, he goes after that for clit and makes me o. It's nice, of course but it's not a must and said that a lot of times but he wants it. Also before his reboot he often made me o and than as wanted to o by himself I often 'faked' o to help him come.
    He often said that seeing me o, gives him satisfaction.
    Should I abstain from it for his reboots sake? It really doesn't help him not ejaculating.
     
  9. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Sounds to me like he needs to speak with some type of therapist to help determine the depression or other issues he is struggling with.

    Yes PMO can and does influence and cause problems, but it sounds like PM is a symptom of something else.

    Word of caution...while I have not researched semen retention, there are people that believe in its benefits whole heartedly. My observations on them seem to be that it's a strategy of coping much like any other. What works for one will not work for all. So use your discretion. I personally think it's a bunch of nonsense, however I will not attack them for what they believe works or not.
     
  10. EXPONENTIALLY

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

  11. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    I deal with the same issue. I was never able to make a woman orgasm. It feels like I achieved 50% and like I care only about myself...
     
  12. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    ?
    That's quite opposite what I've said. He can make me o, and he could do it also in his previous sex life in most cases. And he always striving to women to have o. And as I said before he used to giving me o and not I by himself, cause he preferred to do it by porn which was upsetting me.
     
  13. Robinthehood

    Robinthehood Fapstronaut

    I'd say there still more way to go...3.5 months / 4 months isn't long to reset all those habits etc. More time away from pmo = more improvement.
     
    melonka likes this.
  14. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    Normaly you should feel good after sex with your partner, a deeper bond, and a lovely cuddle after the sex. To want to stay in connection. Something deep inside him must be bothering him. Something that is not your cause.

    I wish I would be a psychiatric to help, but I am just a regular guy.

    Does he talk with you why he feel depressed?

    In my case, I don’t have a woman, but when I am depressed and when I talk with my female friends and they hug me, the world looks much brighter for me.
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  15. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    I hope it will be better with your husband, and good that you are searching for help. I am sure you are the best friend for your husband.

    Or maybe he feels unworthy for you, because of this PMO story.

    I have a crush on a girl, but I don’t try a relationship with her, because I feel not good enough for her, cause my past with PMO is horrible.
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.

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