Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 517.

Todays going pretty well, been making progress at work and feel quite accomplished.

This morning was a bit difficult. The kids were really tired resulting in stroppy, grumpy and irritable kids leading to slightly grumpy parents. Everything was okay though, but hopefully they will be in a better mood when Tan takes them home later on.

This weekend should be good, Tan is off and we are going out to celebrate my uncles 80th birthday tomorrow evening. We are also disposing of the last of the asbestos, which is obviously very exciting...

Last night, I actually did some exercise! Only did 3 sets of 30 pushups, but every journey starts with a single step, and I intend on continuing this journey.

 

I used to be able to do 3 sets of 50, but 3 sets of 30 hurts enough at the moment. I also used to do some weights as well, but I guess I can work my way into that.

 

Day 520.

This weekend has been pretty good. We had a good night on Saturday, we went to a birthday party for my 80 year old uncle who gets about like someone half his age.

We had a slightly uncomfortable Sunday lunch at Tans parents, as her mam was having a few digs for different things including diets etc. But it was okay.

I'm feeling pretty tired today, and Tan was a saviour this morning, as she was on the ball getting the kids ready and sorting stuff out. If not for her, I probably would have ended up late.

I look forward to home time later still, just to get home and try and relax with Tan, though we have some financial stuff to sort through together, so maybe not so relaxing...

 

Day 521.

Today is going pretty good. I felt organised this morning, and felt a little energised, despite getting up twice in the night for our youngest. I ended up leaving the house a bit late, meaning I didn't get time to meditate this morning before work, but not a bad day still.

Work is going okay, and the weather has picked up for my lunch break, picking my mood up further.

Tan is on a late tonight, but I hope to use the time to pick up on my exercise, introducing some weights etc. Though, I still have the kids to get to bed, and food to make.


I just listened to a podcast about codependency, how, if you suffer from it, it probably shows up in more than one relationship. I know that, not only have I been quite codependent in my relationship with Tan, but also in friendships as well.

It shows up in different forms, but more often than not, it's in the fact that I don't like to make decisions because I don't want my opinion to upset anyone.

I've always struggled with codependency, and partly I think it stems from a total lack of confidence in myself, and a low feeling of self worth, feeling like my friendships with people are so fickle that one wrong opinion will spell disaster for the relationship. This is obviously not true for most of my friendships, and if they were really that fickle, are they worth the effort of not being true to myself? Probably not, but still something that I need to work on still, in many areas of my life.

 

That's another one, never asking questions for fear of looking stupid, but then never finding out the answer.

There are many situations where it shows up, and it will take time and effort in each of them to change, but I think it can be done. Good luck with your battle with this one!

 

Day 522.

Last night wasnt so good. Tan was triggered by something, and in being honest, it made me aware that I actually broke one of my boundaries without realising (using my phone in bed; I had just put the kids to bed, and gone into our bedroom to get changed, and I decided to procrastinate by reading news on my phone while laying on the bed).

We had a discussion about it and it made me realise that this was a broken boundary. I never take my phone into a toilet if I can help it, and never use it there, and never use it in bed, but I never thought about it last night.

I think Tan felt sure that I had done something last night, but this morning seemed a little better, whether that was show for the kids, I hope not, but it was a nice morning all in all.

Work is going well today and I feel fairly productive so far, still plenty to do, but getting there (not too long to go before a long weekend!)

 

Day 523.

Today is going pretty good, and last night was better. We spent a little time tidying upfor builders coming in the house today, and talking about the building work.

We always spend time together tidying up and preparing food. Neither of us just sits watching TV while the other cooks etc. Tan cooks more often than not, but I always help out, or tidy up sorting washing up out etc.

After we watched some TV together and made food for work.

Tan is now off for 5 days, and after tomorrow I have 4 days off work to spend with Tan and the kids, which will be nice, and hopefully we will have some good weather with it.


I have finally caught up with the betrayed, addicted and the expert podcasts, so now I need to find another to fill my lunch break with.

This one was about trust, and how to earn it back. Most important, is consistency, and I guess it takes a shift in mindset to really become more consistent in my efforts, but it needs to.

 

Day 524.

Last night was good, though we both crumbled on the diet and ate pizza... and I always have a bad night's sleep after too much pizza, so there is my consequence immediately served.

Today is going well, and I'm looking forward to this long weekend. We have plans to tidy up, which isn't so exciting, but it's going to be spent together which is always good!

I've started listening to a new podcast (the porn reboot podcast) and I'll comment on my thoughts later.

 

Day 529

This weekend has been really good, and not because we did anything especially exciting, but because we spent it as a family. Other than Saturday for a few hours, we just had a good family weekend together.

Saturday was spent tidying and sending things to charity or the skip that we didn't need, in prep for the builders breaking into the house.

Sunday we did the usual shop, and went for Sunday lunch with Tans grandma where we organised the party for my dad's 70th birthday, which we are looking forward to.

Monday was a good day spent with Tan and the kids, after shopping for shoes for the kids, we visited my gran as she has recently had a fall and hurt herself. After that, we had a BBQ in the garden and the kids played in the paddling pool while we sorted food and talked listening to music. One of my favourite days for a long time.

Yesterday we went and spent a load of money on some furniture for the extension. Which will be nice, but unfortunately, somewhat expensive...

The only problem with time off is that I often don't want to go back to work after, but so far today has been okay, but busy as usual, other than my car having a flat battery this morning and costing more money to sort out!

 

Day 530.

Today started early. We got up earlier than usual so we could celebrate our youngest daughters 2nd birthday before we went to work. I guess she probably isn't that bothered, and certainly won't remember it, but it was nice to open presents with her, and see her reaction (though I imagine that the packaging was more interesting to her than the presents themselves...)

Tonight we are going to a restaurant with a soft play area for a meal to celebrate with family, which I'm looking forward to. I have to pick some balloons up on my way from work, my memory is like a seive, so hopefully writing it here cements it in my memory.

The building work is coming on really well at home. The roof trusses have arrived and most of the walls have been built now, hoping for the roof to be built next week. Really exciting and starting to look like a building now.


I've just started listening to another podcast called porn free radio. In the first episode, he talks about his background and how his addiction started when he was young, before Internet etc and how he has been conscious of it since the 90s and has been tackling it for years.

I look forward to listening some more, as I feel like the way he tells his story is relatable, so hopefully there will be some good insights in it.

 

Day 531.

Last night was good. I remembered to pick up the balloons (though Tan did remind me...) and we spent time chasing after the kids at the soft play area with our family. We had food and some birthday cake, and then got the kids home for a slightly late night. We then snuck outside to inspect the progress the builders have made.

Today is going okay, I have found a bit of time to trial a couple of things in the lab, hopefully they will improve things as some things keep getting missed.

Tan is on a late shift tonight, so my dad is coming round for some food. I'm not entirely sure what it will be but I don't expect it will be healthy...


I just listened to another episode of "porn free radio" and he was talking about telling the truth. He explained that he essentially created an alternative version of himself that everyone saw, one that didn't make mistakes or do anything wrong, because it was his instinct to lie about it and to avoid blame and make excuses.

I feel like that's what I did for so long. Try my hardest to appear to be "better" than I was, and I've come to realise (the hard way unfortunately) that coming clean for your mistakes is the only way to develop trust. Though even now, the pull to cover things up is there.

 

Day 534.

This weekend went pretty well. I feel like we were a little selfish on Saturday, we dragged the kids around some DIY and home ware shops for ideas for the new part of the house. I think the kids were somewhat bored though, and showed that by running around like maniacs and generally messing about. Though we did manage to get inspiration, and have subsequently spent more money on stuff...

Yesterday was good. Tan went to work early, so I chilled out with the kids. I got them bathed, put some washing away and visited my gran with the kids and my dad. After, I took the kids to meet up with Tan at her parents for Sunday dinner, which was pretty good, and we stayed until the kids bedtime.

Today is going okay, busy, and I'm getting a bit frustrated with some of the work (and I forgot I was supposed to be in early this morning...) but its not too bad. I'm mostly looking forward to getting home again.

Tan put me in a better mood this morning. I guess its kind of co-dependent behaviour, but her mood improved mine, and we had a nice goodbye before I set off for work.

 

Day 535.

This morning was good, although, I almost forgot again that I am on earlies this week, fortunately I managed to get ready and out before I would be late again. Tan helped with that, so I'm grateful, though we had already prepared things for today last night.

Work has been busy and a little stressful this morning, there have been a load of little things cause problems, but hopefully we will get through this afternoon okay.

Last night was good, we got the kids sorted after I picked them up from Tans parents, and we were quite productive together preparing food and lunch for today. Then we chilled out with a glass of red for me, and some Ron miel for Tan (honey rum) and watched some TV. We discussed the house and then went to bed.

The house is progressing with the roof this week, and the chimney has been removed in preparation for that work to continue which is exciting.


I have just listened to another episode of porn free radio, where he talks about having consequences for breaking his boundaries, which are appropriate for whatever the boundary is, as well as having to (obviously) disclose the broken boundary.

He explained a few of them that he has used in the past, including getting up with his new born baby for 30 nights in a row and going to colorado for a sex addicts counselling programme. I think it probably is a good idea to implement consequences for breaking boundaries.

 

Thanks, this time I don't feel like I've struggled as much dropping PMO, but it's the other things that have been more difficult, simple things like being honest and consistent in my efforts.

I think, looking back at the beginning of this journey, that my relationship with Tan is much better. We laugh much more than in the beginning, but that doesn't mean to say that everything is smooth sailing, and she still gets triggered by things.

We have had bad arguments about things even recently, but I feel like keeping more of a focus on the good things in our life helps to bring me back.

The main thing that I still have trouble with is staying consistent in my efforts. I post on here most days, but it requires more than that, and that's one of my main failings.

 

Day 536.

Today has been a bit stressful so far, but Im hoping things will be a bit better this afternoon (fingers crossed).

Our eldest daughter has had her first day of school today, which she ended up being late for annoyingly (which stressed Tan out an awful lot).

Tan is on a late shift tonight, so I'm going to collect the kids from my dad's and get them ready for bed, and Tan got me a pizza to eat later (great diet food haha), which I'm actually quite looking forward to. I have downloaded an app called Fortify, which I'm not sure about yet, but it's been designed by "fight the new drug" so I'll check that out later as well.

 

Day 537.

Today has been much better than yesterday. No stress, and not too busy. About right!

Last night went okay, Tans late shift went okay, no issues at home, other than our youngest being a little terror (her bed time is 7pm, and she was still shouting at 8:30...). When Tan got back, we talked for a while, and we sorted a couple more things for my dad's party on Saturday and talked about our eldests first day starting school.

Our extension is continuing, and part of the roof structure has been raised, and I believe that the rest should be done today, with tiling starting soon hopefully.