Making a Better Marriage

Day 43

A very busy, very exhausting yesterday. Lots of running around, and finally got home just in time for the kids' bedtime. Then I was too tired to do much except scroll through my phone.

Bible study is tonight. I feel much more prepared than I have in the past, thanks to my new Bible reading morning routine.

Not much else to report. Things are still going strong, although I did have some struggle yesterday keeping my eyes from wandering at lunch. Not much to tempt me, just a pretty lady sitting across from our table. But enough that my eyes were automatically drawn and had to actively fight to stop myself. I hope someday that I'll be able to overcome this part of my addiction, so that I can actually see females, rather than objectify them.

School starts tomorrow. I'm hoping it will hit less like a hammer and more like a gradual wading into a pool. I'm still committed to posting here and writing in my private journal, so hopefully these practices will help even when the going gets tough(er).

I feel: Trepidation, but not fear. Contentment

EDIT: I did forget to mention one realization I had yesterday. I often feel anxious about having other people over to our house. I used to think it was just selfishness; not wanting to entertain because I am an 'introvert' and want my time to myself. While it may be that, I think it's also a fear of man as well. My house has lots of work that I (feel that I) have not kept up with as well I could/should have. I especially felt this way with some family in town that owns a house-building business. This is another avenue I need to explore, as it is another way for me to spiral down into feelings of shame and inadequacy.

 

Day 44

Nice day for the pool yesterday. Got to visit with some family in town and the kids had a blast playing with each other. Sad to see them go; will be nearly a year until we see them again.

I've really enjoyed praying with my wife before bed, and she's said she appreciates it too. It helps us both to reflect, reorient, and connect, especially after the busy days. I haven't been quite consistent about it, but I'd like to make it more of a priority, as I have with our family devotion time.

I had some vague dreams about P last night, I think. I can't remember anything, just a brief feeling of shame and fear over using it.

Didn't get to do my devotions this morning, as I ran out of time getting kids ready for school. I could have done it if I had been a little more thoughtful about planning the morning.

Onward and upward! Tomorrow will be halfway through my stated challenge. Afterward, I'm still narrowing down what I would like to work on.

I feel: Tired, but ready to work. Excited for my kids & wife.

 

Day 45

Halfway to 90 days! Feels kind of arbitrary, since I really want to quit PM forever. But for now it is an achievable goal that I can celebrate when it arrives. And regardless of the goal on the horizon, it will always be one day at a time.

I found out last week my PT will be moving on. Which stinks, because he's awesome. I could stick with him, but that would be significantly more out of the way, and probably cost more (I get a company discount right now). Anyhow, overall mobility is good, just still have some chronic pain that won't go away.

Work was just okay yesterday. I was highly distracted and procrastinating. It's so annoying how the relatively simple and easy task of gathering information and requirements is one of my biggest hangups in starting a new project. Once I get through that and get to the actual system design and implementation, it starts to get fun and I get engaged. If I think about it, it's probably a pride issue. It comes from early on in the classroom - not wanting to ask questions for fear of being wrong or looking stupid. As the Chinese proverb says, "He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever." Also, anxiety over bothering people or being annoying.

Had a nice dinner and evening time with the family before going to counseling. The session was good; again it was much more of my counselor 'lecturing' than us discussing me, really. But, to some extent, that's what I need. I need someone to speak external truth into my life and bring me out of the many ways I have deluded myself about what life is about and what my needs are. The subject was the different levels of relapse (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical) and accountability. I have some accountability in my life, mostly comprising of one online group. However, that only gives me help if I ask for it. I don't have anyone, other than my wife, in my life who regularly reaches out to me to see if I'm doing OK. I do have one IRL friend that would probably fit the bill for this, but we aren't in regular contact at the moment. Something to think about. I don't want to rely on my current streak and attitude to carry my recovery in the long-term.

My SO verbalized her appreciation for my efforts over the past month, as well as particular some notes and flowers I recently got her. It's an improvement for me, as when I was in my addiction-mindset, I would have (either overtly or subconsciously) expected her to put-out as a response. My struggle continues, however, because I feel that at some level, I DO still expect a response from her, eventually. Maybe after years of treating her better. Maybe that will be the case, but it still shouldn't be my motivation.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
Eph 5:25-28​

Something I've always been daunted by is the spiritual leadership husbands and fathers are called to. My response to it has been to essentially ignore the call and soothe myself with P. I'm realizing now, though, that leadership is impossible without first knowing the reality of where you and those you are leading are. I finally feel like I'm facing that hard fact, and now leadership doesn't feel quite so difficult. It will still be a challenge, especially with children.

Anyways, long post, and enough for now.

I feel: Competent and loved

 

Haha, yeah. Now that I read that, I kind of wonder what I was thinking. I guess it was more about the refusal to get started on gathering information, because I know how difficult it can be. Conducting an initial search or asking the first question is, in fact, easy. But yes, complete requirement capture is rarely 'easy'.

Point taken. I agree with you that APs are another aid in recovery. Furthermore, they are human themselves and will let you down. It is ultimately up to God and each of us how well we perform in our recovery. However, I'm thinking a little beyond just the role of AP. I want a brother in the Lord that will not only keep me accountable to my recovery goals, but also in my spiritual growth. I'm thinking of a David and Jonathan sort of relationship - "closer than a brother". Maybe it's a pipe dream, and perhaps not 'necessary'. It is a little scary to think about - especially already having a somewhat established life with wife, kids, house, church, job, etc. At the very least, I think stronger male friendships could benefit all of us.

 

I've often had the thought that there are men in the church all around me that desire this type of relationship deep down, but we're all too afraid to pursue them, for one reason or another.

 

Day 46

I'll make this quick, as I'm pretty busy here at work.

Ran again solo yesterday. It's rather relaxing. But I do miss the encouragement/competition of having someone with me.

I was distracted and procrastinating at work again yesterday. Although some things came up that demanded my attention, which was both annoying and welcome at the same time, as it forced me to be engaged.

I cooked dinner again yesterday. It was OK, I got a little frustrated with the family making cookies at the same time (I can't imagine trying to do that while my wife was cooking!). But it was nbd. Turned out well, would tweak a few ways next time.

Had some great conversation and intimacy with SO last night. I mentioned that I've been realizing more how much I was not only privileged, but also expected all that I had to come to me (i.e., felt it was deserved). Education, job, wife, sex, family, house, etc. When any of these feels jeopardized, I want to regain control somehow. P was one way I soothed this anxiety.

I feel closer than ever to my wife. I told her I feel like I'm on our honeymoon again (emotionally). I know she doesn't feel the same way, due to the betrayal of course, and she said as much. But she's glad for me/us.

I feel: Slightly overwhelmed, but loved and content

 

Day 49

Had a nice, relaxing night on Friday - played some retro video games with SO.

Saturday was full of yard & house work. I felt great by the end of the day, except for my achy body. I played some video games with old LAN party buddies later in the evening. It's always nice to feel like I can justify a little indulgence like that after a day full of work.

Sunday was restful - got a nap and a long walk with the kids in, although probably too long for them. One forgot socks with their shoes, and ended up with blisters . Maybe they'll learn for next time...

Some reflection: I still want sex from my SO, nearly all the time. I want her to give it to me. I don't resent her when I don't get it, but I do kind of "wait" on her when I'm done doing the things I need/want to. She commented finally on Sunday night that it was a turn-off for her. Hard to hear, but deep down I knew it to be true (and it makes sense!). It's a trait that I've passed on to my eldest, as he will often just kind of wait/mope around when he's waiting for something he wants (video games, usually). It's revolting to see in him, so I'm sure it looks similar to my SO (although, hopefully not so much "moping" as patiently waiting). I'm confident that I've let go of resentment over unmet expectation, now I need to let go of expectation itself.

This week will be busy. Full swing of school and lots going on at work. SO's birthday is this week, so we'll be celebrating that. Got a sitter for Fri night, for a quick date night. Looking forward to it!

I feel: Surprised at how OK I am not having had sex over the weekend. Otherwise, physically achy and somewhat overwhelmed. But content.

 

Had to look that one up:
1 Timothy 6:6-9:

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.​

Great passage! I'll have to ponder if this can apply as an analogy to a desire to be 'sexually rich'. It seems to fit. As it would with many good desires we have that we tend to twist to our own ends.

 

Day 50

Ooh, look, a shiny round number.

SO's birthday today. I woke up early to go on a run, and did that in addition to writing her a birthday card and preparing a smoothie for her breakfast. Some light rain during the run, which I actually appreciate since it cools me off; I overheat easily. I turned it into a prayer run, spoken out-loud. I don't do that enough - it feels weird at first, but is really cool because you involve more of your senses in it. It seems more real that way, perhaps (not that non-verbal prayer isn't!).

Had a decent day yesterday. I was out late practicing music, and after I got home we kind of both collapsed in bed. I ended up watching YT on my phone while she fell asleep. No temptation or anything, but I did just let my brain kind of turn to mush, just scrolling and watching. I think it's fine to do every once in a while, but I definitely don't want to make it a habit. I think the worst thing about it is that it inhibits intimacy and communicates apathy to my SO.

This morning, I woke up from a sexual dream. This one was a little different than my P ones, as it was an act I was involved in. Unsettling, attracting, exciting, tantalizing. I'm sure my brain is compensating for the lack of stimulation it has grown accustomed to. Some day perhaps they will subside (but maybe not completely).

I hope my SO has a nice birthday today. I don't do much for her, but she usually appreciates it. We are going out to dinner with our kids and some friends & family tonight. Date night is planned for Friday already.

I feel: Excited for dinner, somewhat unsatisfied sexually (was it the dream? or was the dream because of it?)

 

Day 51

Work yesterday was a bummer. I ended up missing something in a software release, and now have to do it again, which means all the testing and validation has to be redone. I hate causing other people extra work.

Dinner last night was nice. The kids were, well, kids, so it wasn't as relaxing as going out with just adults. But it was nice to have them there with our friends' kid.

My SO whacked her head last night on the way out the door. She was bleeding, but we went to dinner anyways. Well, it was still going a little after we got back, and by that point all the urgent care centers were closed. It still didn't seem like it warranted a trip to the ER, so I ran out to pick up some liquid bandage to throw on it. Needless to say, by the time I got back and we got it sorted, we were about done. I journaled and then we both passed out.

Didn't sleep well last night. I felt slightly nauseated, not sure if it was the food or eating/drinking too much. Did my workout routine this morning anyways, but still felt crappy, so I skipped breakfast. I feel better now, a bit hungry, but I think it should be fine by lunch.

Have double-therapy tonight. Not sure what I want to bring up with my counselor. Probably the fact that I still need to shake any expectations of intimacy that I might still be holding onto. We've discussed it before, but it's going to be a difficult bit of muck to scrape out, as it's been there probably longer than P. At some level, I'm afraid that if I stop trying and pressuring her for sex, I will never get any. Also, it is the primary way that I feel loved and validated as a man. But these are both things that I feel called to sacrifice. My self-worth and satisfaction need to be grounded elsewhere - nothing this world can provide.

My SO expressed some concern for me this morning that I haven't been as energetic or ??somethingshesaidIcan'tremember?? lately. I told her I'm still doing OK, just felt sick today and didn't sleep well. I think that's the truth. In the past, I would have given that as an excuse to cover up my complete dissatisfaction with just about everything and P use. But I do feel OK today, emotionally anyways. Maybe a little disconnected from her, but I think it's because of how busy we've been the last few days/week. We have a date night planned for Friday, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.

I feel: Tired and hungry. 2/4 for HALT, but I'm doing OK with it. Got my coffee anyways

 

Agreed; I am stating my current condition and the way I often feel. This is a condition I would like to let go of. Certainly, the sex act will always make us feel good and in a proper place, as it is a thing we were created to do. But I needn't feel like something is missing when it's not part of my life for some period.

Glad to have your support, friend. You are a great help to me.