How conquer shyness and approach girls in genuine way?

I couldn't relate more.

I go through this more than I should, and I find it interesting that you accredit this to

because I feel as if that's the leading reason as to why I act this way.

On multiple occasions I've told people that I "love to meet people because they're usually so nice," but also that "I hate getting to know them because I always end up figuring out how crazy or shitty of a person they are."

Obviously this isn't the case for everyone, but for most I've found this to be the case. Probably because I'm still in high school and everyone is still so immature, but I digress.

This way of acting is likely a defense mechanism, we're afraid of the response we'll get, so instead of putting ourselves out there we collapse into ourselves.

We protect ourselves from what we're afraid of:
rejection or whatever it may be.

How to get out of this habit of collapsing into ourselves? Put ourselves out there more I guess. Instead of trying to hook up with girls we need to maybe just start having conversations with them? Ask them how their day is going or talk about whatever the topic of conversation may be.

All I could say is try not to force it too much and you'll probably be fine.

This is the best I could come up with because I struggle with this as well.

hope this helped,

- Some Random 17 Year Old

 

Maintain eye contact! There’s nothing they love more than that! It’s almost like a “oh he’s really noticing me” feeling they start having when you do that, and since you don’t want to be a weirdo you would be forced to say something! You can never go wrong with a “What’s your name” and if it’s from across a room or something then just wink! You’d actually think that you’d have a lot of competition when it comes to pretty girls but when you get to know them you find out one thing they all have in common....Guys are tooo shy to approach them either bcos they think they are above their standards or she’s probably talking to 5 other guys! If you’re of age then the club is also a good place!

 

Seems it is a fear of intimacy that afflicts you. Since you can talk to girls that are platonic easily. Honestly there’s no easy way around it. You want to be genuine and not use pick up artist bullshit ? You should try direct approaching. Now this is hard but damn after you do it you feel good. Do you have anyone who you know likes you but you’re too shy to reciprocate even though you may feel the same ?

 

Ballroom dancing, shyness, and approaching girls in a genuine way.............. I haven't been this excited about giving advice in a long time.

What happens in ballroom dancing when you're being a perfectionist? When you're overly concerned about doing the perfect thing to get a perfect result? When you're excessively careful trying not to mess up? When you're walking on egg shells, tip toeing around, and playing not to lose? When you're self centeredly focused on yourself rather than with the other person and the environment around you? When you're trying to protect yourself by not doing anything that would cause criticism?

That worry / fear / stress / anxiety turns into tension. That tension causes you to shut down and be depressed in order to protect yourself from possible emotional pain. Your dancing becomes absolute shit. You cause your partner to feel like shit. The people watching you dance feel uneasy and bad for you.

That's what shyness really is. A coping mechanism. To stay as quiet and hidden as possible so that you mitigate any possible risk of being heard or seen by others who could potentially bring you emotional pain.

When I started ballroom dancing everything was uncertain and beyond my current level of competence / confidence / experience. It took repeated courage to build competence. Repeated competence to build confidence. Social interactions / dating is a skill just like dancing. You have to start before you're ready. You have to start incompetent and insecure. The fear of uncertainty is just a lack of experience. Various circumstances are made not to matter as much by experiencing them more. Making the unfamiliar more familiar. Learning how to handle potential pain / problems / negative experiences to be able to have higher quality pleasure / solutions / positive experiences. It's a risk like with anything else in reality, but you can't get that experience / confidence / competence without the courage to take the necessary risk and go through the process of learning.

Since you're okay with platonic relationships, but having problems when you're interested in someone... your coping mechanism of being shy is most likely self sabotage. It's a way to scare yourself from taking any real risk and action. It's a way to avoid getting better at interacting / dating by rejecting yourself before anyone else has the chance to reject you. You fear the uncertainty / risk... so you shut down before you even give yourself any chance at a relationship.

The more risks you take, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed.

The less risks you take, the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed.

Like with dancing, you have to expose yourself to doing new things that might not work. You have to let yourself be seen by others. You have to fail and make mistakes. You have to be willing to look like a fool at first in order to gain skills.

As for approaching girls in a genuine way... there's no secret. You literally interact with them in a genuine way. You don't hide your interest out of shame. You don't try to be someone you're not for the sake of convincing people to like you. You express yourself honestly and let them decide if they want to be a part of your life. The more bold and clear you are with your intentions, the more clear they will be in their level of interest towards you.

Being creepy is hiding your intentions. It's trying to do something sneaky while hiding yourself so that you won't accidentally get caught. The opposite of creepy is expressing yourself honestly.

 

I see so much of myself in this post (sans the ballroom dancing, but I digress).

I too experience anxiety and hesitation when it comes to dating and relationships. I like the thought of it and would love to have a special person in my life, but I hesitate when I start thinking about all of the things that could go wrong...especially when I start thinking about negative past experiences. A suggestion I would make there is to think about what qualities you desire in a person, common interests, etc. and seek out ways to meet women through that. You mentioned ballroom dancing. There's your icebreaker. Don't approach the situations thinking too much about dating. Just approach it like a casual conversation, expecting nothing to happen. Don't overthink things and you will be genuine.

Another possible suggestion is the enlist the help of friends and family to help with the introductions. I'm sure many people in your lives know of nice, single women where they could act as the intermediary to put you in contact with someone and let her know that you are a kind guy who is genuine. It should help ease the pressure that comes with randomly approaching women.

Have you also looked at your personality type? If you are an introverted person, the thought of socializing with random people may freak the crap out of you and you may need to find other techniques like these and the ones others have mentioned.

I am also following this post to see what others have to say in hopes that it may be helpful to me too. Best of luck in your journey.

 

There's this quote I screenshot'd a while ago, that comes to my mind every time that I feel anxious about people:



I cropped the username, sadly, but the post is great advice. Basically it says to stop trying to control everything.
I should add from my personal experience, that the thing that always worked the BEST for me was my own creativity when talking with people (jokes, activities to share, compliments). It may be dumb to assume that it will be everyone's strong spot, but you could try that as well.

 

I was reading that quote and I thought to myself that's really good advice. Then I realized that I wrote it lol.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...women-like-you-and-stuff.241003/#post-2146085

 

I suggest considering doing something similar to exposure therapy. So, instead of trying to jump all the way and explode past your boundaries (which can backfire), you take it a bit at a time. For the above situation, you could start by taking time to do a social exercise: specifically to look at people's eyes (anybody/everybody) that randomly walk by in a hallway. Don't worry if you look away first, just get used to starting it. Once you get comfortable with it, try holding eye contact longer, and build up to the point of them looking away first.

Start small, and approach indirectly without intending anything to occur. Just say hi, ask about where something is at, or compliment their outfit and say "have a nice day" and leave, etc without intending to have a conversation.

The more you practice, the more you get used to discomfort without it being paralyzing. I used to be completely unable to do this stuff, but now, like a novice PUA, I do a lot of daygaming to meet women.