I'm kind of giving up

Hey guys,

I'm not really looking for advice or something but I have to put some words down, maybe it prevents me from doing this.

I'm really desperate again. I feel very bad, my gut gives me hard fucking time every day, bloating all day.
I so need body contact and to kiss somebody. My old neighbour (woman about 46 years old) told me on Friday she got no plans for today, so we could see each other. I was really looking forward to it, because of my need to express. Since she went on a wine-tour yesterday and wasn't online since a couple of hours, I'm not believing this is gonna work out for today.

So I decided I will go to see a prostitute later and book one hour of having "time" together. Fortunately this etablissement is one of the more professional, of course more expensive, but you are not under time pressure, the ladies are really nice and I had the impression from my only visit a couple of years ago they also take more care of you in regards to "emotional" belongings.
I might kind of regrets this, but under no circumstances I want so see porn again, nor I want to mastrubate. It feels like the only way to release my body, especially the gut pain is to express myself in a sexual act.

I might regret this, because my goal was no PMO for 90 days and if in the meantime there's no hookup or a relationship with a girl, I'm gonna see a prostitute afterwards.
But I can't wait. Feeling to desperate and needy right now.

I will wait probably one more hour then I'm heading to it. Maybe somebody can give me a good reason not to do it, but feels like its the only thing I can do right now to feel better, even it looks pathetic for some of you. I don't mind though.

 

Thanks tiger for your post. I decided I will not give up my challenge and do something else instead.

 

Thanks dude. I appreciate it.
Was a hard step to let it go but it didn’t feel right since I know I promised myself 90days no PMO, except I find a true, willing, unpaid sexual partner.

By problems in my gut I mean I have symptoms of IBS (irritable bowel syndrom), so my gut is always bloated, pressured and I have always bad smelling wind (sorry for the details) no matter what I eat or sometimes even I don’t eat anything at all.
I made twice a colonoscopy, most kind of intolerance test and tried a dozen of different diets. Some of them helped maybe a bit, but nothing significant. I’m running 16km these days, drink a lot of water, tried yoga couple of weeks but nothing really seems to help.
Only thing I remember I was pain free for a whole day was after Jin Jitsu where I was basically cuddling my buddy for one hour. Maybe coincidence, but I felt like this was the first time since ever I released some inner body pressure or maybe I received the good energy of my buddy. Either way this was what made me think of seeing a prostitue to kind of have the same effect.
Problem is I‘m being so lonely since such a long time and it feels so hard for me to find somebody, even though everybody tells me „oh you are such a good looking young man“, but if you feel like a piece of shit inside everybody will see that and who wants to spend time with such a person?

At least I grabbed me some good food for today, maybe the better choice then my actual plans earlier.