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Being honest with your SO, how does it work?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Aug 24, 2019.

  1. I would like to know from recovering PAs how you transitioned from a pattern of lying to your SOs about your porn use (looking your SO straight in the eye while lying about what you have done, lying about having done something that might hurt them and possibly even guilt-tripping them for calling your 'honesty' into question), to being honest about relapses and struggles with your addiction? Has it been a slow learning process? Or does the realization of committing to recovery coincide with the realization that lying to a loved one is unacceptable and unjustifiable? Is it maybe also dependent on the reason/s why you lied?

    [My SO for example has issues with shame, so whenever he did something that he knew hurts me (=look at porn), rather than accepting responsibility for his actions and confronting his guilt by telling me, he would feel shame (for being a 'bad boyfriend') and tried to escape that feeling by denying the reality of what he had done. (I'm not a psychologist so this is just my personal interpretation) So I imagine that lying because of shame is a completely separate issue from lying because of addiction.]

    I hope this question makes sense, thank you.
     
    Kizd4AFool and need4realchg like this.
  2. I hid my PMO use from my wife for the first 15 years of our marriage. I actually hid it from everyone. I never spoke of it to anyone, ever. I was deeply ashamed of this behavior. I knew it was wrong. but I didn't want to think about it. I was in deep denial.

    When I sincerely tried to quit and realized I could not, it dawned on me I had a big problem. I made some significant life changes (left my career in IT to get away form computers). Then I started attending meetings. I started to learn about real intimacy for the first time in my life. After a year or two of that, I realized I could not continue on in my marriage without being honest with my wife. I had learned that without honesty there can be no relationship. So, I either needed to get honest with her or admit the relationship was a sham.

    The day I confessed was one of the hardest of my entire life. I was fully prepared for her to leave. She would be right to do so after all I had done in violation of my vows to her. I was nauseous. But I told her everything. not every little detail, but the broad outlines of what I'd been up to for the entire time she'd known me. (I had admitted to this struggle when we started dating in college, but it just never really came up again, and I let it lie.)

    It was a very difficult few days. We had some hard talks. But I committed to honesty and openness about my recovery. That was about four years ago. It has not been a perfect ride since then, but I have stayed honest. I have my CR chip out on my desk for all to see how I am doing in my recovery. I will be celebrating one year of no P and no M in a few weeks. It is my intent that it be the first of many!
     
  3. Thank you for your reply, I'm sure your wife is very happy and proud of you for having achieved such a long PMO-free streak. So do I understand correctly, once you had told your wife the whole truth about your addiction - by first of all being honest with yourself - you never saw a reason to lie to her again?
     
  4. I saw reasons to continue to lie -- every time I messed up and went back to bad behaviors! But I knew that if I was not honest with her about where I was at, there could be no forward progress in our relationship. In fact, there could be no real relationship at all, if it was founded on dishonesty! During the process of our discussions after I confessed, she asked that I would be honest with her going forward. And I have been. My rule is that I will tell her and my APs within 24 hours of any transgression of my commitments in recovery, and that is the rule I have lived by ever since. We cannot make any headway if we are not willing to be honest with ourselves, our SOs, and our APs.
     
  5. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    For me,

    My spouse found out by looking at my phone. It looks me a month of her asking " are you sure that's it ?" To realising I need to tell her literally everything if I have any chance of recovery .
    The anology I use is my life was a big wet soggy marshland. And I had to dig all that muck out to get to solid ground. When I told my wife everything , which was the first time I was fully honest to myself and to anyone else. That was me clearing out all the muck. And then going forward, whenever I felt like there was a drop of muck that dropped back in , I needed to scoop it out ( tell my wife)
    I know now , that I need to be honest not just with the big adiction things , but honest about everything... How I'm feeling , what's bothering me , why I want something .. everything..

    I hope that helps
     
  6. I know @Chefb87 a little bit, and I can vouch that this guy is a rock star. One of the most awesome recovery transformations I have ever witnessed. This guy got it, got busy taking the steps to do the hard things needed to start making things right, and is continuing to walk the steps each day. I am super encouraged by him. Congrats on 120 days, my friend!
     
  7. @AngelofDarkness Thanks for the question. This is something that has certainly been on my mind recently.

    I lied to my wife for the last 7 years about my addiction. Previous to my most recent disclosure, there were two others - one before we got married and then 7 years ago. Each time, I was the one that disclosed, willingly. Each time, I promised not to lie about it to her again.

    I think the difference this time is that I'm finally seeing how unsatisfying PA/SA is, and how incomparable it is to true intimacy. Also, I'm recognizing that the lying is SO much worse than the behaviors we hide. Finally, getting to the root of why we use P, triggers, and suppressed emotions is necessary. We gravitate to P or any other addictive behavior to soothe SOMETHING. Identify it, deal with it, and find good, positive behaviors to replace it. The lying is a protection mechanism to let us keep these things that temporarily and falsely soothe us.

    Full disclosure: I have not had a chance to be honest yet about a relapse, for the current streak I'm in. My resolve remains to be tested, but I hope it doesn't need to!
     
  8. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I'm the type of guy that thinks little lies are normal and part of every relationship and from both sides. I don't know if my wife agrees, but that doesn't stop her from lying to me in her own ways.

    However, I am focused a lot more on honestly that I used to be. I'm tired of the shame of lying and I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm also in the 24 hour window to talk about a relapse group. I have not discussed every MO since I started, but I have kept her up to speed that there have been some and why. Any PMO would have a full disclosure but I have been able to stay away from PMO or any focused Psub searching.

    I am a little more demanding about the truth coming back to me too. Not too much, no doubt I'm still not perfect but if I'd get called out on it, my wife will be called out by myself too.

    I think being on here has reinforced the idea that the honesty is more important than the porn avoidance, even though obviously they are both important if one is one this site.
     
  9. Ultimately, honesty is how the porn avoidance is achieved.
     
  10. Sorry, but that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me at all. How can you think it's okay to lie to your significant other? And vice versa? Obviously I am not talking about your wife having cooked you dinner and you tell her it's great when maybe it isn't, or your wife not telling you you smell bad after coming home all sweaty from the gym. But there shouldn't even be a reason to hide anything from each other in a relationship. If you know your wife's boundaries (and vice versa) and you don't respect them for whatever reason, then you are obligated to tell her, as the whole point of a relationship is that we can trust our significant others to never hurt and/or betray us.

    But talking about porn specifically, I think there are actually a lot of women who don't have a problem with porn but they do have a problem with porn addiction. So as long as they are still informed truthfully about the progress of recovery, they don't need to know about every single relapse/reset which might already feel like a form of (physical) cheating to other women. So in that case you wouldn't be lying by omission if you didn't tell your SO about relapsing if she doesn't even see watching porn as a violation of her boundaries.
     
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  11. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    You seem to have taken my comments as a little worse than I intended, but cooking, BO, spending, day to day plans are all areas I find all have some little lies that come into play. It might not be true of every relationship, but my point is simply that honesty on the important things is crucial and the little things are not. Where that line is varies from relationship to relationship.
     
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  12. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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    Didnt work for me. In my case there were nothing to save, at least I tried. She took the choice of revenge and now lies to me about what happened. It just breaks my heart and all I can do is blame myself for hurting her and destroying our relationship.
     
  13. As you say it, it sounds like you both destroyed the relationship. Own your part for sure. But revenge is not an positive step at healing a relationship. And would you really want to be in a relationship with someone whose response to being harmed is to inflict harm in kind?

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  14. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I loved her, and wanted to forgive her. I tried to see her actions as a cry for attention and as a way for dealing with the pain I caused. But there were something more than that, and thats why she feels the need to lie. To hide something. I heard that people called them the perfect match. What happened between them, only they know. And that what shes lying about. Well, I got what I deserved. What goes around, comes around.
     
  15. I'm still concerned with this line of thinking. It sounds like you are describing an affair by your partner. I had similar thinking in my situation where I treated my first wife badly around sex because of my issues and then recently went through a crisis in my second marriage where I felt like the one being neglected and I had the same thought "I deserved this". But I don't think that thinking is fair. I think it's better to say "now I understand what this feels like". I think you can gain a lot of empathy from your experience and grow emotionally and spiritually from it. Most SOs complain that their PAs, even in recovery, lack empathy. You have an opportunity because of this situation, even though it hurts like hell, to, well, really feel what it feels like to hurt like hell.

    But don't say you deserved it. Her cheating is her actions. Period.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  16. Let me also put it another way. If you had said "I justify my use of pornography because my partner is having an affair" you would expect people here to jump on that and tell you that you're not dealing constructively with the problem at hand. And you would know they are right. You should see your situation the same way. Having an affair is not a justifiable response to someone's pornography use.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  17. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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    Thanx for kind words. I really need those. Im in a deep hole right now, and all I can think and feel is that it serves me right to suffer. All I can do is blame and punish myself. Feeling only that I deeply hurted the woman I loved. That I dont deserve happiness because of what ive done. That I destroyed something beautyful. Im hurting because of my own insecureties and actions.
     
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  18. I do it all the time myself, brother. Been feeling that way most of the day. I can empathize with the way you feel. So many times I feel (and act as a result) like I don't deserve to be happy. But it gets in the way and it's not helpful. You don't deserve to be miserable and you were only part of the problem with your past relationship. You're 6 days in. Give it time. Go ahead and feel the way you feel but know that it will change and may come back from time to time but only temporarily.

    Get and stay clean. You will be happy and will likely find what you are looking for in life.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
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  19. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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  20. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    LOL, as a follow-up to this, my wife used my phone last night and read some of my journal here.

    She has shown no interest in doing so since the begining, although she was always welcome to.

    A bit of awkward conversation, I certainly don't write thinking she will read it these days, but no big secrets.
     
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