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Down A Dark Road...

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gandu_, Aug 29, 2019.

  1. Aug 29, 2019 #1
    gandu_

    gandu_ Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys I'm 29 now and I've been into pmo from a young age, I found dirty magazines when I was 6, around 8/9 I was watching porn on VHS tapes, in my innocence I went to take VHS tapes that had wrestling recorded (which was bad enough it was basically softcore porn) and one day I put it in and my older brother had recorded porn over them. I vividly remember watching it and enjoying it and there's not many things I remember from that age, mostly traumatic things. I believe I was masturbating by then too and haven't stopped since.

    Now I'm living at home, I'm in debt, I spend all my money on going out and drinking usually alone walking around a big city imaging how it must be to live the life I want.

    I dont have a problem getting girls as I'm tall and handsome however it's got to the point where girls show interest and I dont go for it as I think what do I have to offer. If I'm not out I'm home and I think I am the worst type of wanker because I dont ever finish, that is my way of regulating it however this leads to multiple sessions per day of edging with usually pre-cum coming out.

    Like I am stressed as all my debts are meant to come out end of month and I can't pay. I was getting back up as I found a weekly pay job but they messed up my shifts last week giving them to someone else even though they had me booked on the rota they sent me. Anyway all day I've been edging to porn, camgirls, escort sites etc my room has a musty sweat smell because of it and I just feel like I can't change. I've never been on a long streak even the week I went I would go on camgirl sites for a few seconds then click off

    Thanks
     
    gandu_, Aug 29, 2019
    gandu_, Aug 29, 2019
    #1
  2. Aug 29, 2019 #2
    Committed to One

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    Hey welcome. Good job getting that out.
    It's hard to start getting honest and you did just that. There is a better life and you've just started the journey to get there.
     
    Committed to One, Aug 29, 2019
    Committed to One, Aug 29, 2019
    #2
    Coffee Candy and MadJackMcMad like this.
  3. Aug 29, 2019 #3
    gandu_

    gandu_ Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the reply, I hear that but I've been like this for years. I knew about nofap from age 23 but I just dont dont the effort to change
     
    gandu_, Aug 29, 2019
    gandu_, Aug 29, 2019
    #3
  4. Aug 29, 2019 #4
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    I also new of NoFap when I first started recovery over 5 years ago. I was also seeing a CSAT counselor that I quickly started lying to and relapsing, so very little progress that first year. Quit coming on NoFap also. Changed to a new CSAT counselor and got in a weekly group and started to get some traction. Couple years into that, figured I had things pretty well handled and then relapsed and got into worse stuff than I ever had been in. I kept going to my group though and kept working through the issues that were driving my behavior. Last October stuff kinda blew up, just about lost my marriage of 30years and my eyes were finally open to what this was doing to me and others.
    Because of the recovery work I had done I was able make the commitment to change at a deeper level than I ever had. That was almost 5 years into recovery though. Exactly what my first counselor said it would probably take, which is why I started lying to him to prove him wrong. Our addiction doesn't like to truth but lying to a counselor is a real giant waste of money.
    This takes time. Discouragement is a constant enemy, along with entitlement. it doesn't sound like you're in a place where you can start going to a counselor as they are expensive, but keep coming on here and start digging into what is driving the behaviors. The early stuff that happened to us needs to see the light and heal. It can heal. You can heal. Believe that you are worth the effort to get better. Start calling out the lies that say you'll never change, that you're worse than anyone else, that it's too hard or will take too long. Time is going to pass regardless, either you surrender to the addiction and go deeper into the pit, or
    do the work and start making progress. If you fall or relapse, get back up and figure out what happened, keep moving.
    Be kind to yourself along the way. Remember you are worth it.
     
    Committed to One, Aug 29, 2019
    Committed to One, Aug 29, 2019
    #4
  5. Aug 30, 2019 #5
    gandu_

    gandu_ Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the post. It's like I know what is wrong with me, this self improvement journey is actually in its 6th year for me as I've been dabbling, figuring things out etc. I'm actually quite a self aware person, but the addictions are so strong.

    I've stopped now, even stopped smoking cigarettes but it's only one day. I've been doing a lot of pushups today and yesterday as one of my big things is to get into killer shape, I'm already on the cusp of it I just need to dedicate hard for a year.

    Even though I dont feel as bad as when I was fapping, I still feel lost and now find myself binging on self help videos. It's only one day though!
     
    gandu_, Aug 30, 2019
    gandu_, Aug 30, 2019
    #5
  6. Aug 30, 2019 #6
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    And tomorrow will be just one day, and then the next, and that's how this works.
    You can do damn near anything for a day.
    Or if that's too long, then half a day, and then you take a deep breath and do the next half a day.
    You know when the triggers hit so start build a plan for those. You know that you'll likely crash and burn again, so you build a plan for that so you don't stay down. If you don't have some friends supporting your recovery gonfind a Celebrate Recovery group and plug in. There is a family there that knows how to help and won't judge you.
     
    Committed to One, Aug 30, 2019
    Committed to One, Aug 30, 2019
    #6
  7. Aug 31, 2019 #7
    gandu_

    gandu_ Fapstronaut

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    Like a lot of people in today's society, no I don't have many friends but that is not because I lack social skills. To be perfectly honest I don't have issues with social skills I grew up in a huge family (cousins, uncles, aunties etc etc always around). I just don't click with people well, most people don't understand me or aren't on the same wave as me if that makes sense.

    Anyway it's weird I haven't had any urges to fap, I think because I've been killing myself doing pushups. I've done so many in the last 3 days and I really think it drains me lol. Funny also it's been 3 days and I feel a lot better. Usually I'd be sitting here totally depressed after having fapped but now I have some energy and feel like doing stuff!
     
    gandu_, Aug 31, 2019
    gandu_, Aug 31, 2019
    #7

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