(23yo) Partner doesn't like vaginas & has porn addiction??

This doesn't have anything to do with being a porn addict... it's more to do with the person.

I have been an addict for 20 years. If any woman would have just given me a chance, I would have been more than happy to give her pleasure in any way she wanted within reason. I also think the female form is beautiful. Unfortunately, porn turned me into an extremely awkward and formal person that women friend zone pretty much instantly.

So, you can over generalize, but it makes about as much sense as saying all women can't do a certain activities because of their "inferior build" or all black people love fried chicken and purple koolaid or everyone that smokes marijuana is a lazy person that sits around eating Funyons and passes out without doing anything productive.

Generalizations are not only silly, but dangerous because they over simply people like they are some sort of cartoon characters that can be defined on the spot.

I have no ill intent here. Your experience has merit and I'm sure that it's terrible to have to deal with such a selfish human being.

Because that's what it comes down to. A man that refuses to pleasure a woman that he is in a relationship with is a selfish human being. Anyone that knows anything about the female anatomy knows that penetration alone rarely gets the woman off. That doesn't mean that these selfish men don't have the ability to change. However, it usually takes something drastic... like leaving them.

Btw, I'm not saying that porn does no harm. It has done me extreme harm, as women see me as repulsive and not worth their time. So, obviously it has affected me.

What I am saying is that it affects everyone differently. Kind of like cigarettes CAN lead to lung cancer, but it doesn't always. It can lead to all different ailments. Porn is the same, and personality has to be taken into account.

If you are into dating douchey "bad boys" that think they are the shit and are also porn addicts, this will change how the porn affects them. In turn, a more sensitive man that is addicted to porn will be more likely to turn out like me: no dates, no girlfriends, no chance at any sort of relationship.

 

One word, empathy. If they can't empathize and see things from the other person's perspective, then they have no reason to want to give the other person pleasure.

Think about it, if they are satisfied... why would they want to satisfy someone else? From their point of view, if they are satisfied, then the other party must be satisfied too.

To the extreme, if they have no empathy at all... Then they couldn't care less, as they see people as tools to be used (in this case, a sex toy) instead of human beings that just happen to have their own sexual needs and desires that also need to be met.

Again, I think this has to do with he person's natural tendencies and personality. If they are less empathetic without porn, they will have close to no empathy with it.

I am highly empathetic naturally and always have been. So, my first thought even thinking about sex is that I want to please the other person. However, porn made me needy and so women see me as "low value" because of this. Whereas a psychopath can be falsely seen as "high value" because of their natural ability to charm and seem self sufficient.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking myself up and I'm no self proclaimed "nice guy". I'm just very self aware and I'm using myself as an example of someone that has been addicted to porn that is also highly empathetic and truly thinks about pleasing the other person first.

I have no agenda other than trying to help you see that this actually has to do more with the person you are dating than their addiction. Sorry to break it to you.

 

You're missing the point of my post. It's not that all porn addicts are selfish without exception, but that porn usage and selfishness tend to correlate. But you have good points about empathy, here, and that may have a lot to do with what's going on with her boyfriend.

@Miacartwright1 If you look at the success stories on this forum, you will see lots of men who report that PMO use took away their ability to empathize with women, but that they re-gained this ability after spending long enough without PMO. I hope your boyfriend wakes up soon.

 

I agree that vulvas and vaginas are pretty gross. I always did, so it has nothing to do with porn (as I masturbated for many years before I saw any porn). All I am saying that a guy can find a vulva quite repellent without porn being a factor. When porn rears its ugly head, it can be all too easy to blame everything on it. It is not strange to me that a smell might be repugnant. After all, this is true of us all when it comes to food and drink. Marmite is an example of this. Some people love it, some people hate it! It is just a matter of personal perception, but it is meaningless. He just doesn't like the smell of your vagina - it isn't of any great significance.

His unwillingness to have intercourse with you is the matter of significance in my view - a lack of love. The question is, do you want to remain with a guy that doesn't love you. Your efforts may help him cultivate that love again. But he is the one that has to make the effort to break free. I hope he does for your sake. But some things may not change even so sadly.

 

I am certainly in this category. Even when using porn and masturbating. It's strange that it just makes a woman's vagina and taste, even more attractive to me. When I read here that it has the opposite effect on others. Perhaps it's because I only discovered porn after 30.

 

Oh boy. Of course I want to please my partner as well. I might even give a trusted partner oral sex if she really wants it and gives the right signals, no problem.

I'm just saying it is not one of my preferences. To me the vagina itself is just another part of a woman's body, what turns me on personally are her skin, legs, breasts, buttocks, lips, her smell and her moans... Another user pointed out OP's partner might be gay because he does not like giving oral and manual stimulation and I wanted to argue against that dangerous claim. Nothing more nothing less.

On the other hand I can go without recieving oral and manual stimulation from a woman. Everytime I got it the girl just did it and I let her. But in the end penis in vagina action is what makes me happy. That's me.

I am convinced your partner has a porn problem, but it could also be stress, traumatic stress and low testosterone. I hope you can fix your relationship but porn kills. It's like crack cocaine. You cannot compete with it unless your man chooses to quit, and when he does, he might suffer from the side effects for years so choose your next moves carefully. But you should show him yourbrainonporn.com, I was addicted and never knew it. Give him a chance to make a decision.

 

Like you said, all you can do is give him a chance. If he is willing to try to quit porn and go to therapy, that indicates that it may not be selfishness that is the culprit after all. I've been wrong before and I will be again. I can only speculate from the information given.

It's all about the effort he makes and his reaction to the whole thing. If he's like, "Errrr, fine... I'll try it." Then, I would err on the side of what I said in earlier posts. If he says things like, "Ok, I'll try. I don't want to lose you." Then I would say that he is giving a genuine effort.

Think about this. Think about his reaction to all of this very hard. Is he acting like you are being a nagging bitch and is being defensive? Or is he acting like a caring partner that wants to change and wants to do better? His attitude should be a very big indicator one way or another.

 

Maybe he is just used to instant porn like gratification. Spending 15 to 20 minutes stimulating a woman can sometimes be a real labour of love. It's hard sometimes for men to spend the time needed for a woman to orgasm. If he's not tuned into a woman's body he wont understand. My gf explained that some guys just don't get it. A vibrator might speed things up.

 

@Miacartwright1
The way you describe it, he seems detached and distant while having sex. This is certainly because he is hooked on porn. Porn is one sided. It is the epitamy of selfishness. Even the greatest, most affectionate person will lose touch with their partner if they let themselves get hooked on pornography. It is the most fucked up, distorted, evil, destructive media.

I will echo everyone else: give him a chance. Fixing your relationship should be more than enough incentive for him to make a change. He should be proactive - join nofap, get therapy, talk to you about his progress constantly, make wise lifestyle changes.
Good luck!

 

Leave him. Don't try to change him. Leave room for him to come back if he is getting help. Love yourself more.

 

Second this! Love eating pussy, would do it for hours but my wife gets sensitive & shy when I do it sometimes, she has to really be horny and wet to let me go down there.

I've told her I love it, I would go down on her any and all hours of the day if she wanted!

 

Hi Mia, welcome to nofap. Sorry that your thread got a little bit highjacked by the oral sex discussion. This site can be very useful, but you sometimes have to deal with some nonsense and misogyny.
I'm a recovering sex addict. Married with kids. I want to share a bit of my journey with you as it may help you to understand what you are up against.

Your partner is a sex addict. There is no doubt. It is as serious an addiction as any other and can lead to devastating consequences for the addict and his loved ones. In your husbands case he is "acting out" by pursuing excessive masturbation and pornography use. Most likely he has been using masturbation and fantasy to check out (escape uncomfortable feelings and situations) since a very young age. Left unchecked his addiction will worsen over time. This is the nature of addiction. You need a bigger fix to get the same result. Extreme porn, fetishes, chat rooms, prostitutes, etc, etc, etc. He is probably lying to you about the nature and intensity of his addiction.

Your partner may not realize he is an addict or how serious this is. He may feel you are being prudish about porn/masturbation. He may think that he has a higher than usual sex drive (not true). He will not want to give up his online "harem" of women or the escape that masturbation offers. It may take him a long time to come to terms with any of this. He won't begin to change unless he is forced too, or he hit's rock bottom and can't take it anymore.

I tried to quite a few years ago when my wife caught me. I tried to do it on my own. I didn't work.
I slowly escalated back into full daily porn usage and it began to destroy my relationships with my wife and kids. I eventually got caught again.

I'm in recovery again. This time it's working. The difference:

1. I'm giving up Masturbation for good. I will only orgasm with my wife. I realize now that I don't need M and in fact it is problematic for me. It will only lead to fantasy and other P subs and eventually back to full blown porn addiction. So no more M. I'm much better off without it.

2. Therapy - do the work to understand the underlying root cause of your addiction and why you need to escape reality.

3. Sexaholics Anonymous (12 step program) - Discovering this community/program has been such a blessing. Finally a path forward for me. A way to recovery and stay sexually sober. This, more than anything else has made the last thirty days of sobriety possible and given me true hope for long term sobriety. I really didn't want to get involved with SA. I forced myself to go and am so glad I did. If your husband wants to get "clean" and save his relationship with you, SA is possibly the best option.

A last bit of advice;

Protect Yourself. You don't need to compromise yourself in order to maintain what will only be a disappointing and painful relationship. If he doesn't deal with his addiction, you will never have a truly connected and honest relationship. Come up with a plan together that you both agree with (make sure it is not just him trying to do it alone - he can't do it alone) and hold him accountable. If he won't make/keep the commitment then you may be better off on your own. Don't waste a decade on some who's not willing to deal with their issues. Also, trust your intuition. If he say's he's clean but things feel wrong, they are probably wrong.

Let me know if I can help in some way.

 

Weird bump of 2016 thread.