Observations after 8 months of Monk Mode

First some background:

I've had binge MO dependency for 25 years and binge PMO addiction for 17 years. I've been trying to quit for at least 15 years but been more serious about it for the last 3 years. My addiction was the worst kind, it progressed over the years to more and more extreme material until hours long daily binges became my new normal. I developed major depression, social/general anxiety leading to social isolation and severe PIED. I've had some unresolved underlying issues to begin with but self-medicating it with (P)MO made symptoms 100 % worse over time.

When I truly decided that enough was enough?

When PMO couldn't "help" me relieve my anxiety/depression symptoms anymore and my body couldn't take even more physical abuse. I did complete few 90 days and shorter hardmode challenges previous to that, but always fall back into binge PMO rabbit hole soon after.

What has changed this time around?

After a family death, divorce and job lose I realized, I can't go on like this or I'll kill myself in the end so I decided to start my first monk mode in 2017/2018. I thought abstention will do the trick. All I have to do is rewire my brain and I'll be OK. Boy, was I wrong… I lasted 6 months until buildup stress/anxiety and depression broke me. I had a full blown relapse lasting for 4 months of escalating daily binge sessions and needed additional 4 months to get back on track with my recovery. I realized just abstention won't cut it. Luckily I came across the work of Dr. Stephen Ilardi's: 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs, contacted him and started to implement the program in my daily life. http://tlc.ku.edu/elements

Basic steps of this program are:

1. Physical Activity (Exercise)
2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids
3. Sunlight
4. Healthy Sleep
5. Anti-Ruminative Activity
6. Social Connection

This made all the difference in the World. It was not a magic bullet but in a few moths time of following the program and celibacy I was slowly getting better. I still had some episodes of severe anxiety and depression but the inner stress/anxiety didn't build up like in previous attempts to quit. The next big discovery were YT channels of Ryan Donnelly and Tim Johnson. A former long term drug/alcohol addicts now helping other people with dependencies to break free. Their advices are pure gold.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtfp3LTdFMoFP8sqNiT1sMQ
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZWNH10D7ztlDASSApHTzZg
I also learned neuroscience behind addiction, mainly from prof. dr. Marc Lewis. You have to know your enemy, if you want to beat it. I hearty recommend reading his book The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction Is Not a Disease.

I learned that you need to have holistic approach if you want to break free. Addiction is a symptom of living life off balance. Addiction tries to numb the pain and fill our inner void. That's why a former addict has to completely change his life. We basically have to learn how to bring ''balance'' back in our lives. If one just abstains from active addiction, he/she will soon relapse or develop cross addiction to help him/her with buildup pain and emptiness. That's why beating addiction is so hard.

Now here are some ways how to bring balance back to our lives:


I can't go into more details here, but there is lots of in depth advice in my journal:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/hopeless-case-searching-for-hope.187822/page-22

How do I feel after 8 months of monk mode?

It has not been an easy ride, especially for the first 5-6 months, but for the last two months progress has been enormous.
1) More than a decade long depression has lifted
2) Social and general anxiety are getting better and better. I'm more calm and my thoughts have become less negative. I'm not half empty glass kind of guy anymore
3) I'm physically much fitter then 8 months ago
4) My allergies have subdued
5) PIED is probably cured as I'm getting regular boners in the morning and even during the day
6) My self-esteem is getting better
7) I'm slowly becoming more social. Still not as much as I used to be, but at least I'm not turning down invitations to social events anymore and I've started actively seek company
8) Women flirt with me everywhere I go. I don't know why, maybe adopting healthier life style makes the difference, who knows.
9) Cravings to view pornography are completely gone. I do get some flashbacks now and then but I learned to observe my thoughts and not act on them

I apologize for the long post. I hope it helps someone find a way out of addiction nightmare.
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