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Labor and support from your PA

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Amaterasus, Aug 31, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I dont know if this is a wierd question but i dont know of another place to ask it. Me and my partner are gona have our first child in two months. And being a first time mom im really nervous about the labor, and that i would say is normal.

    But my biggest fear isnt the normal fear like pain or if something is gona go wrong. Its the lack of support from my partner, we have had a terrible summer. Hes addiction has gone way out of controll and as a result of that i have closed of alot. I dont really talk to him about how i feel etc i just keep most things for myself.

    I have tried talking to him about this fear, that where we are right now isnt gona work in that type of situation. If he is using hes gona be there but not there if you know what i mean. Hes like an emotionless zombie when he is active. And i cant trust him so i wont open up. This for me is a nightmare senario, but hes only answere is that he just have to be there then.

    But things doesnt work that way, he cant be absent up untill that point and then expect things to work.

    I have thought about other solutions, like having my mom there or talking to the midwife about extra support from the hospital. Becouse i dont want to be forced to do this alone. But anything besides doing it with just him is not okey from hes side. Then he feels replaced and hurt etc. And i get that, but i feel like it might not be whats most important in that case.

    Like i said i feel like im gona be forced to do this alone, even if he is next to me. Keeping everything locked inside and try to manage pain and fear by myself. And that scares me alot.

    So i dont know, anyone got some input on either how i can tell him that he needs to do more then just be there when the time comes or how to make hon agree to outside support without feeling hurt?
     
  2. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    If it were me:

    My boundary would be clean from now until then or he cannot he present (whatever clean means to you, I have a boundary list).

    If he’s still active in his addiction he cannot be supportive and you deserve that during labor. You also deserve to be comfortable (well as much as possible).

    I wouldn’t feel bad for him. He’s making poor choices. Choices have consequences. You aren’t responsible to protect him from his feelings.
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  3. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. She hired a Doula (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doula). Married or not, it's your body doing the labor so you make the decision that suits you best. It's a medical question, not a relational one. He should understand. Lots of men are not suited to support during labor. They think they are, until things get too intense.
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    The thing is that im not really protecting hes feelings, its more about not wanting all the drama that comes with him being hurt. I have written alot about it in my journal reasently, but when i make any decision that can be seen as something other then loving and loyal he freaks out. Then im having him, leaving him and its more or less emotional blackmail to the extreme. And i honestly lack the strength to fight trough it. Mostly becouse it isnt just one fight, he keeps going as many times as it gets to get what he wants.

    So i dont know in an ideal world i would like a senario where we both could get what we want. Like he is there but also someone else that can give me the support that he cant.
     
  5. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Sounds abusive. :-( I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
     
  6. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I recommend doula, we've had her on my labor. And although my pa is very supportive and kept my feelings as priority she was still a big help... For him. So he was there for me but it took 28 h and if it's not her he couldn't manage to have energy and positivity and no mood swings till the end. And as I stayed at hospital he was drained from energy that he got really sick for 2 weeks. But thanks to her he got me the whole support he could and labor went well and thank Got I healed quickly cause I had to take care for the kid alone for two weeks, cause he got high temperature and just stayed in the other room and tried to not all of us get sick, which worked.
    As we started to plan pregnancy we made pmo subject taboo for awaile. So he kept it on level that he was able to have sex with me but I knew he wasn't going to give it up. After birth, about one month later he decided that it consumes too much of his time and he wants to be there for us and he can't if he does pmo so he started reboot.
     
  7. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    As a PA that was present for two births with my SO I would say you definitely should have someone extra there for your own personal safety and wellbeing. You're PA is an addict which means he is selfish and abusive. He will only be interested in himself and he will probably not be able to cope with the major stressful situations you could find yourself in. I was the exact same, I didn't want other people thinking that I wasn't able to be there for my wife and child but that was selfish. I wasn't thinking about my wife and child I was thinking about myself. When the time came I was a big disappointment. I was supposed to time contractions and decide/know when it was time to leave for the hospital. If it wasn't for my wife's sister being there my wife probably would of had our first child at her sister's house. Then in the labour room I was a complete zombie. I just felt helpless and like I didn't know what to do and I just wanted it to be all over. Again just thinking about myself. My wife's sister could have done a much better job and would of actually really have been there for my wife and the baby. My wife and I where both more prepared for the second birth but again it probably would have helped a lot more to have somebody else there too. You should definitely have someone else there to help you.
     
  8. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Thank you for being honest. I know it’s hard to realize your downfalls due to this issue. I hope you are both doing well in recovery.
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I must say the same thing as the person before me, its really strong of you to be able to talk about how pmo affected your precence during your wife birth.

    And yea i agree that outside support is the best option, i just have to figure out how to make it happen. A part from him not wanting it i got some practical problems aswell, like living 3 hours away from my mom. But a start i guess i finding a way to bring it up to him in a way that he wont get offended. If it is possible and the sort out the rest.

    And just a funny sidenote, you know that you are pregnant when you fall asleep mid posting.
     
  10. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Thank you both for your kind responses.

    I think it is horrible that you have to think of it in this way and also the way you will probably have to approach this with him. You and thd baby are much more important and he should be doing whatever he can to make this as comfortable and safe for you and the baby as possible.

    I would suggest talking to him like he was a big child. Say you are appreciative of his support and everything that he is doing, give him praise even if it's not due. But tell him you are really scared and you would really like it if ypu guys had extra help and support. Tell him he won't have to do any work. I know this is all playing into his hands but he is an addict so you will have to treat him like one if you don't want any conflict at this stressful time. The suggestion of a doula seems like a good idea. Maybe if it's too expensive could you ask a sister or female cousin to come and stay with you close to your due date. Just some suggestions and some perspective. Hope it helps

    Unfortunately I have struggled a lot with my really bad attitudes which I have really built over 30 years. I haven't pmo in 20 months but I've really struggled to be honest which we all know is a massive part of recovery. We are currently separated and have been for a while. I will continue to try to get it right. I hope you and your H have some success in recovery.

    yes that's a sure fire way to know. Good luck with your pregnancy.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear you are struggling. Honesty is so important. Sadly H, while trying to be honest for once in this journey, is still struggling with no empathy or concern for anyone but himself.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear that, it is the same for my wife unfortunately as well and I'm really sorry she has to go through this too. It sucks, it's the worst part of it all. And what the kid's have to go through too. No one associated with the addict asked for any of this but they all have to suffer the consequences. I hope there is an end in sight for you and for my wife soon.
     
    Deleted Account and Kizd4AFool like this.
  13. (addition to my previous post)

    I want to add that this is personal experience. My wife almost died twice during childbirth and I'm sure that a doula could have prevented that. I was emotionally supportive, but also in shock.

    Also I would like to add that it is common that the pmo addiction builds up around pregnancy and the first months / years with the baby. The addicts twisted excuse: no sex or less sex > pmo. If your SO is open to it, get him educated about it. Therapist Rob Weiss has some interesting video's on Youtube about this subject.
     
  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I think for us it was a combination of the pregnancy and the fact that i was working out of town. Even if i was home most weekends he could do what he wanted without consequenses during the weeks.

    But tbh things was getting out of controll even before that, last few months before i took that job he started to spiral out of controll. From my view the issue is that he wants to get clean without doing the work. Like he doesnt change any habbits, seeks help or reflect on what makes him relapse.
     
  15. Well, one good thing is, you are talking about it. It might take a few tries before he finds the right reasons, motivation and strategy to quit. But around childbirth .. I agree, not the time for fights and drama. But talking about it should be good. Read, get educated to arm yourself in this battle.

    I wish you and you partner strength, happiness and love. You can do it!
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i can update a bit, we did talk about it last night. And i dont know what to say, first of all he still belives that he can be there. If not for emotional support then for practical things.

    He was also upset when i explained that if labor would start in the middle of the night my first reaction wouldnt be to wake him up. Just for the simple reason that i rather manage the pain myself. I dont trust him or that he can help me, for me i only see him making the situation worse. But that was unacceptable becouse he has a right to be involved.

    And i have never denied him being present during the birth, alltho he doesnt got the automatic right to like he belives. Its my body and my decision.

    Well moving on to today, after seeing the midwife he suggested that we would start doing breathing exercises together. But i really dont want to, we are not in a place where that would work. If i say that however there is gona be drama.

    He did understand tho last night that i wanted my mom there during labor, becouse she can do things he cant. Sadly tho she lives so far away that the Only way that would be possible is if the labor is planed on a specific date. She cant take several weeks of work to live with us. And i dont really got someone else, only other female relative i got is a sister that is 10 years younger and that i dont really know that well (she is my dads child with hes new wife).
     
  17. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I second hiring a doula if you are in the hospital. They are the women that do the job the husbands were never really going to be super good at.

    A midwife could work, but they are sometimes (and this is a concern with doulas perhaps too) anti-hospital...something we found out too late with our first born.
     
    PaulPaul likes this.

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