My Decision

So I'm going to write out my story and decision, more for myself, than for the audience. It helps to write things to help formulate things in your brain and make it easier to wrap your head around thoughts. In addition to simply writing it out, I do want to make friends here and hopefully get some support, which of course I would be happy to return. This addiction of ours, in all of it's variations, is breakable, but we do not break the chains alone, we break free from the chains when your buddy comes by and helps out with his bolt cutters.

Anywho... here we go.

So, I first started viewing porn at the age of 11. My mom had recently come into the possession of an old day care in the ghetto, and she had a computer in her office. Well I would always play around on the computer and one day she had stepped away and I was alone with the computer. As any boy who just hit puberty would, I got curious and started typing things into google lol. Well I've always had a thing for feet, as far back as I can remember. It's not the only thing I like of course, but I do have a pretty big foot fetish. So naturally this is one of the things I looked up. The first google search was literally "feet". This eventually spiraled into other discoveries about other fetishes that revolve around feet. Foot worship, female domination, trampling, ballbusting, etc... Combine these new porn discoveries with a boy who has split parents, low self esteem, bullies in school, and you've got yourself a wonderful recipe for a FemDom porn junkie. The porn, and not just the porn, but the particular type of porn I was into led me to desire submissive relationships throughout my growing up years. If you were a nice girl who wanted to be with me, I didn't want to touch you with a ten foot pole lmao. If you were a mean sadistic little dom then oh my god, please.... let me get yo numba. Lol.

Growing up my dad and I had an alright relationship, but we couldn't really connect because of the way he was and the way I was. I was always the kid that excelled at things I actually had interest in, but couldn't be bothered to invest even a modicum amount of effort into anything I wasn't interested in. So in school, I didn't do to well. Because although I did great in some classes, most I wasn't even interested in, and therefore didn't bother putting in any effort. I just wanted acceptance from my peers, which got me into a lot of trouble. I was usually the class clown, always doing ridiculous things and behaving like a moron to get the attention and acceptance I wasn't getting elsewhere. My dad was always the super disciplined guy that got great grades, went to college, got his bachelor's, opened up his own business, succeeded at that and made six figures. At this point in my life, at the age of 23, I can look back and realize my dad was just trying to be the best dad he knew how to be. He thought he was doing the right thing by raising me the way he did. For that, I don't fault the man. He did more than a lot of other fathers have, simply by putting his best foot forward. But his style didn't really work with me. I spent a lot of summers grounded and chopping weeds along the fence line of our property with a machete. Pulling weeds, getting spankings (when I was younger), receiving verbal lectures, getting yelled at, etc... I would have been rewarded if I did get good grades, but when I received that negative feedback, I would just shut off everything. Nothing he said or did would get through to me, I'd simply carry on with my way of doing things. I worked a lot better with positive re-enforcement. Boy if you'd tell me you were proud of me for something, or that you believed in me, there's no end to the lengths I'd go to get that again. But all this negative feedback didn't encourage me to do better so I'd stop receiving it, it just discourage me and lowered my self-respect. I'd believe the things I heard. I just figured I was a fucking idiot. Combine this with all the porn I was watching, I was practically brainwashing myself to believe all this femdom bullshit. Because as many of you reading may or may not know, but probably do, a lot of the femdom fetish is degradation. I just kept feeding my brain with more and more negative feedback. I didn't think I was anybody, I hated myself. I thought I was a loser, a nobody, a failure, a mistake, etc... This of course was my fault, we are the captains of our own soul, and I'm no victim. My choices led me down the mental path I chose. Of course you can't really expect someone so young to understand all of this, but nonetheless, they were my choices.

As I got older I became more and more serious about what I wanted. I wanted to be owned, I wanted a domme. I wanted the acceptance and approval they can provide. I discovered FinDom (Financial Domination) and quickly found someone who gave me just what I was looking for on the internet. I served her quite faithfully and had no problem handing over whatever tributes she desired. All she needed to do was simply tell me what to do, and I'd do it. We split off eventually though, and I found someone new. She took me down the rabbit hole lol. Very far down it in fact. She was someone who actually lived off of the tributes she would get from her subs. We eventually got into a relationship and I served her now not only as her submissive, but as her boyfriend as well. Keep in mind this is still only over the internet, but also keep in mind I'm 19 years old at this point. So I'm still fairly naive, and even though I'm not stupid, I didn't care to find the truth in my situation. I simply wanted that acceptance and approval. I would occasionally send her my entire paycheck, I would pay tributes of any amount, she controlled everything about my life. If we were on the phone and I needed to use the restroom, I asked for permission. If I wanted to eat out, I had to receive permission. If I wanted to ejaculate, I needed permission. Of course, she was a pretty high level manipulator and would make sure that if I masterbated, it was to her and the idea of being submissive towards her. She even had me donate plasma and give her the money I was paid for doing that. Well.... fast forward to the end of our relationship. I eventually came to the realization that she didn't really care for me, she cared for not only the money I provided her, but the attention I gave her, the control and power I gave her. I know, shocker right. Lmao. So even though it hurt like hell, I had enough self respect to end it. I was dead inside though, I had grown numb, I was depressed, I was fucking lost.

This led to me just jerking off more and spending stupid money on other dommes, I went into the negative in my bank account. I would never steal or ask for money, but I did lie about things that had happened to people who cared about me. Cause of course they're wondering where all my money had gone. My actions were quite self destructive. But ever since I had left her, I had refused to allow myself to be in any relationship with someone like that. I didn't want to feel that hurt, that pain. The pain of realizing someone you care about and would do anything for, was simply exploiting your weaknesses and using you like a farmer uses a shovel. But... financially it wasn't much of an improvement. Because now instead of serving one that would make sure I had enough to pay bills and shit I was whoring myself out to the FinDom community to escape these negative feelings and get that temporary acceptance and approval. The temporary soothing of my dark and painful loneliness. But that's the thing, it's fucking temporary, it's not true, it's not genuine. I fucking sacrificed so much for the temporary.

Well, let's just say I've been stumbling down that path for the past 4 years. But I have made significant improvement in believing in myself, and treating myself better. I actually began to pursue dreams I've always had. Such as becoming a pilot. I'm currently a student pilot. That dream's on hold for the time being though while I pursue another dream I've always had and which will in the end support my pilot dream. That's joining the army. I've always wanted to join the army and be that guy with the gun who has brothers and faces the scariest situations and comes out on top. I enlisted about six months ago, as an infantryman. I went to airborne school. I'm getting ready to go to my first duty station. One thing the army has taught me, is that the way you talk to yourself means a lot. If you're on a run or a ruck or doing something challenging, if you tell yourself you're not capable, that you can't do it, you'll quit. If you instead coach yourself through it, recall other things that were tough that you made it through, focus on getting to the next checkpoint instead of focusing on the entire event, you'll make it through. Because we're all strong and we're all weak. You choose which one you'll be in any given situation.

Well I still struggle with this addiction, in fact I jerked off to the poison that fucked me up my whole life about 30 minutes ago. I've accepted that this is simply how it is for me. Or at least I did... until I got put on leave before going to my duty station. I went home, spent time with family. My dad took me out for breakfast one morning, and my phone was connected to his truck cause I had used it the night before. And when we got into the truck, the title of the last porn vid I watched popped onto his screen in the truck. He saw this and surprisingly wasn't angry, he just asked "Are you struggling with porn addiction?". Something along those lines, those weren't his exact words. I told him I suppose I am but to be honest I don't really try not to watch porn, I just do it. This led into a long conversation where he explained to me his struggle with porn addiction, how he had struggled with it for years and all the damage it had done inside the marriage, but how for the past two years, he's defeated this addiction. He no longer watches porn and how he won't tell me what to do, but he would recommend I do the same and how he would be there to support me through it. After breakfast on the way back he even got choked up and teared up and apologized if the way he raised me had ever cause me to struggle. That he had simply done what he knew how to do, and always tried to be the best dad he could be, but his dad had beat things into his head too and I was unfortunately on the receiving end of that parenting because he was still dealing with the consequences of his fathers parenting. I was pretty shocked cause it's not like my dad to cry or even admit he's wrong. And to see this man that I had already lost some respect for and thought was a lost cause admit that he was wrong and sincerely apologize, got me way off guard. It wasn't expected. But it did inspire me, like maybe if he fought this battle and won, I could too. If my dad, who cares so much about what others think about him was willing to admit to this because he cared, then maybe he wasn't who I thought he was, and maybe this wasn't as unconquerable as I thought it was. So I made the decision to put this behind me, I might fuck up like I did earlier today, but I'm going to fucking walk this path like my dad did, and I will come out on top.

Although this has been a pretty dark part of my life, I've learned some things that maybe can be of help to others. And brothers that is that what you tell yourself will come true. If you feed your mind bullshit, guess what the fuck you're going to get...yeah that's right you're going to get bullshit. But if you choose to have respect for yourself, you're going to behave respectfully. Another thing I've learned is that the only person who can defeat you is you. These findommes can't make you do anything you don't let them. They provide the tools for you to brainwash yourself, and although the fantasy is that they are doing this to you, the truth stands that it is simply you doing this to you. If you want these chains to break, stand by the truth. When you stand by the truth, the chains have nothing to cling onto. Whether you believe in God or not, the Bible does have one thing I've always thought to be true. And that is that "The truth shall set you free". It's not just talking about lying my dudes, it's about everything. Line yourself up with the truth and you will come out on top. Not by your own power, but by the power of the truth. The truth cuts like a fucking sword. Be on the right side of it.

If you read all of this, thank you. If you're interested in helping me with accountability and you want someone to help you out too, contact me. That's another lesson I've learned, you can't always do everything yourself. We need each other. Through brotherhood and supporting one another, we can overcome anything. United we stand, divided we fall.

 

Brother I'm sorry to hear that. Only you know the fucking war in your mind. But I'd encourage you to find the truth in you about you, and ally with it. Because you are strong, and even if dad never accepted you, it doesn't have to be over. It's hard, but you can learn to accept yourself. That doesn't mean you accept that the things wrong with you will be wrong forever. But that you accept that there are in fact things wrong, and it's your responsibility to yourself and those whom you have influence on, to begin fixing those things piece by piece, one step at a time, regardless of how many times you fall. What matters is that every time you fucking fall you get up and put one foot in front of the other towards the light.

 

Thank you brother, that means a lot man. One benefit to not always thinking very highly of myself, is that I listen a lot, I observe others a lot. I am a fuck up, we all are. Life is a fucking tragedy. But what makes it worth living is that it's not stuck that way, it's our responsibility to unfuck our lives and make the world a better place. It starts with fixing ourselves, not to say that we can ever truly be 100% fixed, but that the adventure of fixing the bad things in our lives, will inevitably improve the lives of those around the world, and maybe in some small way, impact the world in a positive direction. Thanks for reading and responding man, this has been pretty therapeutic for me.

 

Still pretty young then bro lol. Almost at that big 30 though huh? lol

 

It's true dude, your biggest ally or enemy is yourself.

 

I guess ideally we would just stop thinking about this dark part of our world. But for every action you do, a path is carved in your brain. It's very difficult to not look at those paths, I think you have to actively battle your demons or you may accidentally make a wrong turn and go down one of the old familiar paths.