I have become very quiet, and I don't know why.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by SorryWontSayIt, Sep 4, 2019.

  1. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Hi!

    So my life have become a lot better now after the summer. I am back at the gym, focused on diet, focused on school, enjoy playing videogames again (just playing when I have some extra time), etc.

    But I have one problem, when friends invite me out to dinner, party, etc. Just normal social activities, I have become really quiet. And I don't really feel scared or nervouse. I just don't really feel like talking, and I am afraid they may thing it is because I am shy or don't have fun with them.

    Ofcourse I say something, sometimes, but I am never a bit talker. (Have always been a person why are a bit quiet, and never felt the need to be in the focus, but now I feel like I am more quiet the normal). And I don't really know why.

    Any tips or ideas?

    Off-topic:
    A time ago I lost all motivation to do stuff that I normally liked to do. I did not want to workout anymore, stoped eating as I used to, did not care what I ate, lost a lot of gains, could not focus at school, went to a lot of partys etc. Got a girlfriend, which did not end well. After that I started to use tinder again, which I did before I met her, but now I have deleted it. And it feels really good. I want a girlfriend again, but I don't really work for it, I am just focused on myself, and if I find a girl that I find interesting I may ask her out, but I don't use dating-apps anymore. I takes too much of my focus. Just something I recommend others to do too, even if they are looking for someone to date. I feel like it is better to build yourself to the person you want to be, before you really start to search.
     
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  2. amaranth

    amaranth Fapstronaut

    Since you can engage in them, you're doing really well.

    Maybe others have become/ are perceived by you as more talkative, perhaps verbose at times?

    Unfortunately, many ppl (if not most) tend to make assumptions (and I can't really safely deduce how the trend doesn't lose favor, maybe lack of insights, effort to save time, who knows...) and they're theirs to keep or change. For instance, you assume they assume you're shy or don't have fun with them.
    Your jurisdiction, so to say, lies within your feeling uncertainty and fear, handling that assumption; how will it resolve?

    P.S. I also tend to be rather quiet, for hours on end sometimes, while being (fully) engaged in what's being said. A form of anxiety might have something to do with it (because meanwhile, I tend to look for cues of others' view of me- can't do that and speak at the same time, at least not with that kind of intensity...); facing the anxiety and letting myself just be/ be somewhat proactive about it kinda helps.

    Note: many reject that they don't feel like talking, eventually talking a lot, being gossipy, mean, etc. with their words (or just plain goofy, which is ok, I guess) or getting into the mood by 'doing' something (see drinking, etc.). This could, ofc, just be an assumption on my part...
     
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  3. Hikerboi780

    Hikerboi780 Fapstronaut

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    This is quite the same for me too. Being quiet is not a bad thing, and perhaps being more "loud" was a way to cover up anxiety. For me, I thought that I had to always respond or say something in groups, but as time goes on, I have found myself also becoming more quiet. I think it is an anxiety thing. I have noticed that I am becoming more engaged with what people are saying even though I am not talking as much.

    I also like what you said:
    I have found that I am not the person I want to be yet, and if I really want to follow certain dreams of mine, then I need to change myself to suit that dream. However, on the other hand, don't let it get in the way of beginning your search. Your search can also help you become the person you want to be. It kinda goes both ways.
     
  4. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for respons from both! :)

    I don't really feel any anxiety, but can there maybe some sort of anxiety without me really knowing? Maybe dumb question, but that I am not aware of it myself?

    Regarding the being quiet part again. I worked a bit before I got back to school. And one of my bosses told me that I should speak up more, because I had many good ideas and was a very reflective person. So he told me that I should stop being quiet and share my thougths more.

    And very good point, that searching can help me become the person that I want to be. But some time ago, I was too focused on finding "the one", which made me not focus good enough, and feeling a bit bad. Giving my focus to my personal dreams makes me feel better, but will have my eyes open if I see someone who I find interesting. I just wont do the same mistake again as I did last relationship. Where I let my feelings get too strong, which made me forget my dreams.
     
  5. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    Thats's not neccesarily a bad thing.
     
  6. amaranth

    amaranth Fapstronaut

    Just now saw your reply, @SorryWontSayIt , so please excuse the late response.

    So...yeah, if you don't feel any anxiety in particular, then let my suggestion go. There are many factors that play into our behaving one way or another.
    I guess you can slowly balance out the ratio of speaking and listening, maybe noting when would be an appropriate time for expressing your input, really exploring the dynamic of conversation.

    Again, keeping mostly quiet as you are could actually be best for you, it's you who can really know.
     
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  7. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    I'd say that's the start of wisdom. There are many people that just want to be heard, because they are missing attention. Talking only when you need to talk is a rather powerful state of mind. It can also be because the topic being discussed is not important to you anymore (same with hobbies*).

    I personally dislike talking about soccer, computers, cars and women (in general, superficial topics), and prefer to talk about philosophy, nutrition, exercise and "how to live a good life"; that puts me outside almost any group that I've been part of in the past 10 years. Many times other people, mostly girls, felt attracted to my attitude of "this is not my kind of topic" and for sticking with it and they sought my advice on other topics: how to deal with their boss, how to handle a difficult person, this product or that product etc.

    *Coming back to hobbies, I realised recently (mind you, I'm 37) that many of my hobbies were other people's hobbies. I just wanted to be part of a group, any group. Once friendships ended, in general badly, I realised that I actually have no hobbies, so I went back to thinking what I wanted to do when I was a kid; then I went for a run.
     
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  8. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the responses! :)

    I may go a bit off topic here, sorry for that.

    Yeah, as you say @properWood, Maybe it is a start of wisdom. At least I hope so.
    And as you say I don't really feel the need of getting any attention any more, when it is not needed. Ofcours I can speak up for myself when I feel like it is needed, but to put it as an example (I am 23 years old, so I go to partys now and then), and I can see a lot of dudes doing everything they can to get attention (specially the younger once). Which have actually made a few girls come up to me, even tho the guys was trying to get their attention. And I was actually just sitting there enjoying my bear, without really saying too much. I don't know if that tells most about me or the other guys? Or maybe both? Maybe the girls wanted someone who was a bit more calm? Maybe I am totally wrong too. (Example is from a few partys I have been too, where some of the boys tryed to really show of to the girls, but I don't know). Currently I am very focused on myself, so I don't really care about showing off myself to girls like some may do. But at the same time, I meet a really nice girl there, who I actually talked to a lot, as she was actually asking me to sit with her like 3-4 times when people changed spots. So I guess to focus on myself and not what others think, is a really good idea :)

    Also as you say, a lot of people talk about drugs, alchol, sex, etc. and I don't really care about that anymore, ofcours there are some fun stories etc. but I don't really care how many people have slept with, or what drugs people have used etc. I am more interested in living a healthy and social life (but also go to a party every now and then). I don't know, but I have actually been told by some of my friends that I only meet a few times a year after I moved, that I have changed a lot. I have grown. Because I used enjoy partying hard all nigth etc, but now I would rather have a relaxed nigth with just a couple of friends, without having the need to focus on how many sex partners and what kind of drugs people are using.

    Hope people understand me, and don't get me wrong. I enjoy spending time with all of them. It is just that I have felt sometimes, that I have less topics in common with some of them, specially those who still party a lot very hard.

    @amaranth Thanks for the respons, and I have been off from this site the last days too, so no problem :).

    I will keep in mind your suggestion! I have been told, as I may have said earlier, that I should speak up more often (specially at school and work, because I have great ideas and I am reflected). But at the same time, I guess being quiet gives me time to actually do so, instead of just speaking the first things that comes to mind. Been actually thinking a bit about this "problem", and maybe it is not the biggest "problem" to really have. Guess by giving myself some time to observe, lets me maybe get a deeper understanding about people, etc. Also was at a party on friday, and it went pretty good, was not too quiet, but also had time to just be my quiet self haha.
     
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  9. Windkick

    Windkick Fapstronaut

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    Maybe being quiet relates to masturbation? It definitely makes you tired on a daily basis if you continue with it. But seeing as how you're here, there's no real piece of advice I can give you beyond keep staying strong.

    I'm the same. I figure that's one of the things nofap will help with if I maintain my streak, along with pausing constantly and brain fog. So I don't know if being introverted is something that's completely caused by masturbation and porn addiction, or what. After about a year or two of slowing down with this activity I got really talkative, and for about 7 months I was engaging with others more, laughing more, participating. Could have been me coming out of my introverted self because of less fapping, but then I went back to quiet after that period and it's been the same since then.

    Nothing wrong with introverts though. Introverts unite.
     
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  10. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    It may be the cause too! I have not really had any good streaks of nofap lately. But it may be early to say, but I am pretty sure I am motivated now to get back on a streak. Currently on day 3! :) Even tho it may make me talk more or not, it will at least give me more time to work on myself. Even tho I have used a bit porn and masturmation lately, it is actually a waste of time. Watched a few very interesting videos regarding porn-addiction, nofap, etc. and how it effects the brain. So watching the videos made me a lot more willing to get back on track.

    I guess I never really felt a reason to start up again on nofap, but now I have been so focused on improving myself, that a great part of it will be to quit porn. Last year I was hearthbroken, so nofap became a huge part of getting back up again, because I was really far down. But now I am good again, and I feel happy, I just want to improve myself even tho. I want to set goals, reach them, become a better person, needed or not. Having goals makes me feel better, it gives the days more meaning and something to look forward to.
     
  11. King Tut

    King Tut Fapstronaut

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    probably because you spend all day indoors playing video games and not talking to anyone. talking is just like working out. and if you wanna flow you gotta warm up. so you can actually record yourself on a voice recorder 30 mins per day and that will help u warm up. but the best warm ups are with actual people.
     
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  12. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I think it may be some truth to it. I used to play a lot of videogames. Now I barely do. I just do it like 1 hour rigth before bed, if I don't just go to sleep instead.

    Now I am at school most of the day, where I always are with people. I do different social activities with my school friends, etc. But I guess me playing a lot of videogames when I was younger, can be a part of the "problem".
     
  13. I felt the need to bump this thread as a bit of self analysis and reflection on my part. Historically, during most of my adult life, I was always a pretty chatty sociable person. This was a result of a long drinking habit, which I've since abandoned as of almost 7 years ago and the even more insidious PMO/MO habit I had running in the background. This too is a habit that I really started working on at or around the same time as quitting alcohol consumption. What was my big discovery in all of this? I'm actually pretty quiet and reserved by nature; not introverted per se, just much more quiet. I think I do well in groups of people either at work or socially. Socially I believe alcohol and PMO/MO were creating the problem and I was stuck in the self perpetuating spin cycle of reliance on both. Once I stopped I realized that I didn't need to be "on" all of the time. It's paradoxical. I used to be social yet chatty and sometimes a bit overbearing if you want to know the truth. Now I feel more measured and lack the impulse to always be filling up the airspace with conversation. And you know what? I like it. It's the sexual energy being redirected in my opinion. It feels great. When I first got into NoFap I distinctly remember the physical feeling of warmth throughout my body most notably in my arms and legs. It's as if the necessary life force began to flow again. The net result has been all of the above mentioned.
     

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