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Should I expect failure and have low expectations?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by care4ameatball, Apr 14, 2015.

  1. care4ameatball

    care4ameatball Fapstronaut

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    Well, I relapsed for about the 50258580582th time. Wanna hear something funny? I've never reached a week yet, and I've been at this since September. Let me just say that I am aware that every relapse is a conscious decision. I'm 16, so it's definitely harder for me but I know it's not impossible. It's just like every time I'm doing good and expect so many good things to happen and that I'm gonna keep going, I relapse literally 10 minutes after. Like today. I was doing very well, not anything special but I was feeling good. I went for a 15 minute work out, then a cold shower. But after the cold shower I had no idea what to do. So I went and watched some porn, edged, but stopped when my mom got home. I went for a little walk, and than came home and helped my mom out for a bit but than I just went straight back to fapping and stopped again but than a couple minutes later just went at it again. It's like this intense voice, or whatever, tempting me. I just don't know how to stop myself. I know I can, but like its always pulling me back to PMO. I don't know why, it's just like always when I'm alone, I get the thoughts. I try to keep busy but I have no idea what to do. So the thoughts consume me and the cycle repeats every day, every 2 days or whatever single digit number under 7 days. It's just annoying. I mean I want to just find an easy way to do this, but I can't. And I don't know what to do anymore. I always expect success but failure just ends up being hidden behind those expectations. I feel that I should just expect a relapse every few days at this point and lower all my expectations. I wish I was as strong and determined as all you guys who go for months without PMOing once. Instead, I crawl up into a ball and relapse every day. It's basically just fapping normally everyday at this point even though I'm trying to stop. I think I'm pathetic and don't belong here because 99 percent of the people can go for weeks and weeks and maybe relapse but than go another 50 months but here I am, same old shit. What a joke
     
    sir fappanot likes this.
  2. Alloallo

    Alloallo Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone in that feeling of failure. Many that are here have been fighting the battle for years, and that is why they can make it long amounts of time. 16 was a rough year for me. Your body is really only interested in one thing.

    Don't focus on the failures. Focus on the time you can go without P and M'ing.

    Edging in my opinion is the worst thing you can do. It just prolongs and normalizes the situation. You learn to edge for greater periods of time and you settle your brain into that cycle and pattern of being on the edge.

    Try to skip on the edging. Measure the small victories. Just because you can't stop tomorrow and be done forever does not mean that the battle is hopeless. Knowing you have an addiction that is out of your control is an empowering thing. Learn the patterns of failure. There are times you can find and turn the situation around, if you catch yourself early. Learn to find the triggers and know when you are starting down the path to failure. Fight hardest at those points and you'll find yourself making better progress.

    Best of luck, don't give up.
     
  3. TimmyTwoShoes

    TimmyTwoShoes Fapstronaut

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    We've all been there, so don't beat yourself up about it. Strength and determination aren't everything and either is willpower. Willpower especially should be used as a last ditch effort only, not as your main resource to pull from. In many studies willpower has been shown to wear out after a period of time. It's analogous to doing bench presses; the first few reps are easy, but with sustained effort the muscle finally fails.

    The alternative is to have a plan and stick to that plan. Use as many roadblocks as possible for you to access porn. It's like how dealing with Universities or the Government can leave you frustrated and wanting to smash your head against a wall, porn should be set up in the same fashion. Make it such a pain in the ass to access it that it just isn't worth it. I find 'shaping your environment' to be the most useful at first, and after a few weeks you start working on your inside problems; dealing with pain/being uncomfortable; writing out your triggers and what you will do instead (action rules); and if all that fails and you're triggered and in an unsafe environment, willpower is your last ditch short term strength that can potentially pull you out.

    Seriously, take the time and write out a plan for yourself. Write it out in very specific detail and come up with as many creative solutions for yourself as possible. It has worked wonders for myself. Even though in some ways I am more restricted than I've ever been, I've never felt more free. Make it as practical as possible. Put K9 on your computer, come up with the most complicated password you can think of and throw it away. Take the internet completely off of your smartphone, just do it, or download the K9 app. Because you live at home, make a rule that you don't use the computer if you're home alone. Things of this nature should get you far beyond a week, and if you screw up along the way, don't get depressed and binge, just break down what happened and make a stronger plan.

    Hope this helps..
     
  4. Palmtop Tiger

    Palmtop Tiger Fapstronaut

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    Try to develop a new habit such as journaling and do it consistently every day.
     
  5. sir fappanot

    sir fappanot Fapstronaut

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    Over time, your efforts compound. One lapse, in the moment, how much harm can that do? It's just once....

    Over time though, you'll see that it actually compounds to roughly 50258580582th faps. I don't know how old you are, but when your 25 can you imagine feeling like you do now? Still watching porn and masterbating to porn like you do now?

    If you want your future self to be in a better place, guess what, that's gonna mean putting in the hard work now. In this moment. Forget about the your past.

    You NEED to change your definition of success. To go from 502mph to 0 in a matter of moments, simply isn't possible. There are some who come to this site, and manage nofap 90's easy. They are legends and myths.

    For people like me and you, we have engrained this habit of watching porn into or lives and neuro circutry for years!! Years! We will fail over and over and over. The day you stop failing is the day that you realize this is a process. Not an instant cure. Strive for improvement, learn from your mistakes, and grow as a person. A relapse is not a complete reset.

    Realize this or continuing doing what it is your doing. If you can honestly say your happy, by all means keep going.

    There is no point B..? At the end of 90 days, your not better. I'm like what.. 50 days and right now, know what I want to do? escape. I'm stressed, gonna be in over my head with school work tomorrow. Past me, PMO.... tonight, it's a fight.

    Don't bear the weight of months on your shoulders. Try a day. Then two. Then three. Basically, that's what I've done, and wabam! holy shit I'm 50 days in.

    I made this post, I while back:
    http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/spread-sheet.34681/#post-212994

    Get a spread sheet. This isn't a "ope, darn! I watched porn again! Gee, I'm at day 1!"
    Your never at day 1, unless, it's legitimately a day 1.

    This is process. A difficult process. You have engrained this behavior for years. You said it yourself.." because I was bored."..

    You my friend, you will figure it out. It takes time.

    Best,
    Sir Fappanot

    *some edits: more for my sake.. because I my friend, am on the brink of failure right at this very moment!

    I started off doing the same thing. Curling into a ball and giving in. Right now, I've been on the computer, almost compulsively going about this site because I'm scared I will watch porn. I am stressed! I want to curl up and say 'fuck it soooo bad', literally as I am typing this.

    Your post, in many ways, is inspiring me right now. It's reminding me that I have to slow down. The very reason I started this journey was because I was saddened to think of myself in the future always curling up into a ball when life get's tough. It's not that I want get a sexual release even, it's just an escape in general.

    The cycle your in right now, I WAS THERE. I was there and I WAS THERE NOT LONG AGO. It really feels like tonight I could begin a downward spiral back to that just giving up hope!

    So thank you. Your post, honest to God, has is the sole reason I feel good right now. It's given me some clarity. To fail now, well, I just can't afford it. The next time I feel like this, what will I do then? God damn. I feel like a pedantic little bitch right now, but seriously, you just saved the rest of tonight and tomorrow for me.

    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2015
  6. bandanana

    bandanana Fapstronaut

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    So much truth in this. It helps to focus on a single day than thinking 90 days ahead. Truth be told, 90 days is intimidating for the untried, so fight your battles one day at a time.
     
    sir fappanot likes this.

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