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First time dating, unsure what todo (+ success story)

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Peace467, Sep 3, 2019.

  1. Peace467

    Peace467 Fapstronaut

    So I firstly want to say that this is a bit of a success story, but I am also a bit lost so I was looking for some advice.

    I am over 2 months PMO free and this is my longest streak ever. It’s been an amazing period, I’ve connected with people better and life is good! I would never be in this situation is not masturbate wasn’t working.

    I started texting and then eventually meeting up with a girl 1 on 1 regularly. This is the first time ever in my adult life (since I was 14) that this has happened. The problem is, I’m really struggling to be intentional and I’m second guessing myself.

    We have met up 1 on 1 five times now after she initially suggested that she would like to meet up (prior to this we texted daily for a month) and other then the first time where I asked if it was a date at the end (we just went on a walk, and she said not really), since then the conversation has never really come up.

    The problem is is that neither of us are huggy people and I struggle to show affection and flirt for fear of going to far (which is silly, but I have no experience and I’m scared to ruin this) and at this point I am not really sure what level of friendship we have.

    We are meeting up on Friday, and I am thinking I might take her out to dinner (so far we have only met up for a drink in pubs) and just be very blunt about it being a date. I’m kind of scared about how she will react or if it’s the right thing.

    Anyways, your advice is appreciated (I probably just need a good kick and being told to stop being a wimp...)
     
  2. Just focus on having a good time with her Brethren, no need to force titles on anything. Focus on making her laugh and having a good time is the best advice I can give you Brethren.
     
  3. 3nigma

    3nigma Fapstronaut

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    This is how men get stuck in the friendzone. Ask her on a date. Make sure its unambiguous. Then you can flirt with her.
     
  4. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    What is it you want? Do you want a friend or a date? Whatever you want say what you want. She’ll either agree or not. Either way you find our where she stands. If she doesn’t want a date that is fine. Not every girl in the world would want to date you, just like you wouldn’t want to date every girl in the world. Women love confidence. They want a leader. The best way to get more dates is to be confident and lead. And the great news is being that way saves you time and money!

    So, I’d clarify with her before dinner that you want a date, if that is what you want. If she doesn’t want to date then don’t fret over it. You’ve gained experience to help you find a girl who does want a date.
     
  5. I guess I'm in a similar position to you. I have very little experience 'dating' and I'm 33. I have only recently started dating (past 6 months). I have dated two people in that time and the second person I am seeing currently. The first person I knew I didn't really like but just strung it a long for fear of failure. The second I do like (and made it known early). My advice to you is if you like her then be honest about it. Make it known to her that you like her. It'll be awkward but that's ok because you don't really know what you're doing. This applies to affection. Just sit close to her, look into her eyes, smile at her. Compliment her. Who cares if it's awkward? The point is you're showing her you like her. If it goes well, touch her arm and eventually hold her hand. You'll know if she likes it pretty quickly. Don't worry about 'going too far'; you're not forcing yourself on her, you're just being affectionate. It's just about breaking the barrier between formal dating and being in a potential relationship. If you don't do it you'll never know.
     
    Peace467 likes this.
  6. Get behind me Satan

    Get behind me Satan Fapstronaut

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    I know the 'date' has been and gone but my advice would be - stop thinking about it! Don't do or say anything beyond what is 'natural' for the 'moment'. I've ruined too many opportunities by overthinking and acting upon something so simple. With that said, how did it go on Friday?
     
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Asking her if it's a date or not is like asking her "are we in love yet?" It's a very reactive and seeking permission / validation type of repelling mindset.

    You could tell her that you want it to be a date, but that's very formal and puts a weird pressure on the whole thing.

    What's better than saying it is actually behaving like it. Behaving and expressing your interest towards her. Treat her as if you want her to be your girlfriend. The more bold and clear your actions are the more clear her level of interest will be towards you. You're scared of her reaction and the outcome... that's why you're unwilling to do this and instead you want to simply announce that you want to date her.

    Showing interest is the right thing to do. Show her your enthusiasm and appreciation to be around her. Think of it like spiraling upwards. What's more fun than being around each other? Eye contact and interacting. What's more fun than that? Holding hands and hugging. More fun than that? Showing even greater forms of affection. That's your job. That's what you want and it's your job to express that interest towards her. You meet her half way. You give her the space to decide whether or not she wants to meet you half way. Then you'll know for sure what she wants.

    You haven't been doing this and you want to suddenly announce that you want a date with her. So it's like a car salesman talking about a specific vehicle in a very uninterested / mundane / mediocre / boring manner and then says "so do you want to buy it?" You've been holding back your behavior and expressions that reveal your interest in her. You've been hiding them. Then you want to say "so we should date...."

    Actions speak louder and more effectively than words. You don't need to stamp a formal label on your relationship that puts unnecessary pressure on her. You can just express your interests in her.... by behaving like you're interested in her. Then you'll have your answer when she either backs off or she joins in.
     
  8. FormerFapaholic

    FormerFapaholic Fapstronaut

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    First things first, well done for getting yourself out there, and asking out and meeting up with girls. Where I think you're going wrong is that you're procrastinating and over thinking things. I get the impression you're in the friendzone by trying to appease her a bit too much, depending on her for your happiness and less focused on what you want.

    Keep your distance, keep it causal and most importantly is to relax and be yourself around her. Not have any attachment to her emotionally. Live your life for you, take a step back and she can potentially be wondering on what she's missing out on when you're not around as much, nor making as much effort for her (i.e. contacting her).

    The worst can she can do is say no. If she does, it's her loss and she doesn't deserve you. Move on from this. Continue living your life, working on improving you, your life and wellbeing as a perfect distraction from it all.
     
    LavaMe likes this.
  9. Peace467

    Peace467 Fapstronaut

    Hi all, I was following this thread but after the date didn’t have time to update it (working away from home this week). I just want to say thanks for all the kind and helpful advice, I’ve been keeping it in mind :)!


    It went really well! Dinner ended but then we went from bar to bar until 2pm. It was obvious neither of us wanted it to end. Since then the way we text each other has changed to be a bit more playful / just includes everything to do with daily life. On the date, I remembered things about her that she didn’t expect me to remember and I think that that made it clear that I really care about her.

    Sooo, we didn’t have a clear chat about what we were. She has gone away for 7 weeks now and it just didn’t seem like the right time to discuss it. I know that I am insecure about it (and so too a degree avoid it) but I am mindful of that.

    She is a little bit awkward and isn’t really a physical touch kind of person, which makes me doubt how much she really likes me (and to a degree I know I need to be more vocal and will be when she gets back). But... she texted the next day to say that she was sorry she was so nervous and skittish around me, and so in reality I think she likes me just as much as I like her.

    When she comes back In 7 weeks I will act on my feelings bit more and be obvious and see where it goes. I didn’t think it was a good idea to force anything before this period of separation - if we like each other then the 7 weeks won’t matter, if it fizzles then it wasn’t meant to be.

    Once again thanks for all the advice :D!
     
  10. Fullyawake

    Fullyawake Fapstronaut

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    Keep going, my man. I joined a dating site this week and I’ve been talking to someone. I just be myself and be natural. Hoping to meet them at some stage to see how I go from there.
     
    Peace467 likes this.
  11. TheProwler

    TheProwler Fapstronaut

    Good thing is these seven weeks are more time for you to 'develop' yourself.

    I'd expect you to be more assured and comfortable with yourself 7wks from now.
     
    Peace467 likes this.

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