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Betrayal trauma = shame?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Amaterasus, Sep 9, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So as most people know me and my partner have had a really bad summer. Well anyways he talked to me about making some changes this weekend to get things more under controll.

    But when i suggested that he should read up and learn about BT he told me that he thought that was a bad idea. Learning what the addiction does to me would lead to shame and that would lead to relapses.

    And i dont know he might be right, but i also feel like you cant be in a relationship and ignore the relationship aspects of the addiction.

    Like are we gona be this broken as a couple untill he feels like he can man up and take the consequenses?

    I got a hard time seeing myself staying and coping well with this relationship if its gona be all about him untill he feels ready.
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  2. Beth

    Beth Fapstronaut

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  3. Perhaps learning what his addiction has done to you would bring shame, but that's no excuse. If he truly wants to recover, then part of that is learning proper ways to deal with shame. If he refuses to see what damage has been done due to his addiction, then he's not committed to recovery and is just looking for ways to rationalize acting out.

    Your relationship can never heal if he maintains this way of thinking, IMO. He has to accept responsibility for his actions and choices, and that means he has to understand the damage they've caused. I hope he stops looking for ways to get out of being accountable and starts working on ways to move forward. You deserve someone who doesn't dump everything on you.
     
  4. To put it bluntly, what he has done is SHAMEFUL. Shame is inevitable after the initial disclosure, I would argue. Certainly it's not helpful to dwell on or in during the recovery process, but the addict needs to learn to face his shame and overcome it.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So after telling him last night that he either have to do this, or i need some time alone he decided to start learning about BT. I dont like that i had to force him, but i felt like the situation we are in now is unbarable.

    So i dont know, hopefully he learns something but im also sceptical when it doesnt come from a place where he takes the initiative to learn.

    And also we talked a bit about BT last night, and he told me things about it that i have told him for months. Like it is worse when i have to discover things on my own instead of him telling me himself. I guess that it is good that he finally understands, but what i dont get is why it isnt enough when i tell him. Why does he have to hear someone else say the exact same thing to get it?
     
  6. I wish I could answer that question, but I really don't know. I've asked the same thing a hundred times, and I know many other SO's have, too. For some reason, they just don't hear things when we say it, even if we say it over and over. It's frustrating.
     
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  7. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I get it Shame and guilt are hard to deal with.

    There is a reason surrender is part of the first step. It's hard

    But he doesnt get a get out of jail free card. He has to deal with it and work through it if any recovery is goi g to be made. Shoving it aside is called denial and it's part of the beginning steps also.

    Some education is in order for him and that's not a bad thing the title of my journal is the more I know the less I knew and that's true everyday
     
    hope4healing and mrtumnus like this.

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