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Scared of sex, confused about what's addiction and what's healthy

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MisterDirection, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. Sep 11, 2019 #1
    MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Hi all.

    Usual intro. My name is blah....I'm a believer in Christ. I struggle with PMO, people pleasing, OCD, Codependancy, emotionally disconnecting, angry outbursts sarcasm and self deprication and a whole host of habits hurts and hangups.

    Most of my/our marriage problems center around communication and the lack and misunderstanding of.

    Married with 2 kids for 19 years. PMO since 10ish or so after being introduced to sex and masturbation by a Male cousin for a period of time. Followed by some really unhealthy sexually abusive and controlling relationships through high school and into college where I met my wife. And the usual BT was played upon her through most of those 19 years by myself and my selfish actions.

    Been working on me and her and us for 5 months now. Progress is no stranger to us but we have ups and downs.

    My question centers on sex.

    She felt like a slave and a toy and used for an O for those 19 years. We have been reconnecting and the sex we have had has been mind blowingly great....but. I am scared to initiate at all. I can run the gamut of emotions but fear is the most prevalent one. Fear of it being addiction behavior or my mind in the wrong place or do I really just want some closeness and is any of that right or wrong, addict behavior or healthy relationship stuff. I'm really confused because I am scared to slip back into the old ways and it be not what the goal is. I am afraid of confrontation and when my wife is really upset I shut down physically and emotionally with panic attacks. She has never threatened me or hurt me physically and I can honestly say she never would do so. I dont know where the irrational fear comes from yet inside me. I feel this same confusion and failure to chose and fear of failure when sex is on my radar or even sometimes when she initiates.

    I am considering redoing a reboot in hard mode to get a feel on my emotions and wants. Not necessarily needs. I feel no one needs sex, i will go out on a limb and say no one has perished from not having sex.

    I need opinions please based on these questions.

    1. Is there a hard and fast gateway test to determine say desire versus wanting your partners love.

    2. Is a hard mode going to help me determine how to work through my feelings or is this just an excuse to not have intimacy, IE is this just hiding and disconnecting all over again

    3. Is this fair to ask my wife to support me in this, and I am mainly asking that of SO's

    Thnx for everyone's input in advance. Feel free to ask me any questions, I am open book.
     
    MisterDirection, Sep 11, 2019
    MisterDirection, Sep 11, 2019
    #1
  2. Sep 11, 2019 #2
    Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

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    Hard mode I think is great for disconnecting real desire from porn and MO and great for showing oneself that sex isn't needed and you'll be okay without it but it's not great for really determining what your "normal" is with a partner.

    If you can feel your partner's love in other ways and want to use the reboot so things are limited to those other ways, point #1 might work.

    Nor, as to point #3, is a reboot something you should do without your partner's input. Sometimes hard mode includes pleasuring the SO but that no doubt makes things tricky.

    But, your fears don't seem to be the normal fears of rejection if you initiate. I don't see why you can not trust your partner to give you feedback on what she sees/feels in some way that works for you. There are no doubt some that would argue that desire for sex with your partner is a good thing and not an addiction, but I think that's probably oversimplification. If the fear is too great, maybe just do the scheduled sex thing and work into that you initiating even though it's scheduled. That would take away the worries of your desire's timing feeding into an addiction and work on getting you into practice of initiating. Just an idea.

    Hard mode has some great points but they don't line up with your concerns all that well.
     
    Faceplanter, Sep 11, 2019
    Faceplanter, Sep 11, 2019
    #2
    MisterDirection likes this.
  3. Sep 11, 2019 #3
    Damnation

    Damnation Fapstronaut

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    If I were in your shoes, I think I would just never initiate, that way you're safe.
     
    Damnation, Sep 11, 2019
    Damnation, Sep 11, 2019
    #3
    MisterDirection likes this.
  4. Sep 12, 2019 #4
    MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    This is a solution but it's pretty much just hiding and escaping..
    Puts all the responsibility on my wife as she pointed out.
     
    MisterDirection, Sep 12, 2019
    MisterDirection, Sep 12, 2019
    #4
  5. Sep 12, 2019 #5
    mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut
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    1) The test I've used a few times is (honestly assessed, of course): How would you respond if after initiating sex, it didn't happen or was refused? If you are content either way, that seems like genuine desire for intimacy to me, rather than just lust.
    2) Hard mode should give you an opportunity to connect with your SO on other levels - emotionally, spiritually, socially. If you're not doing this, then it's a waste (in my opinion)
    3) Not an SO, but I think it's fair to ask. You're considering doing this not out of selfishness, but out of a love for her and wanting to have a better relationship.

    My counselor advised me to do hard mode, but not really for a set time. You'll know it's time to be over when SHE makes it known. He put it in terms of 'giving her power back'. With PMO and our abuse of our spouse through lust, we were trying to control the sexual relationship. She is continually put in a position of being demanded and expected of. If you flip that around and let her control things for a while, it should give her space to heal and you'll probably find your relationship in a better place afterward.
     
    mrtumnus, Sep 12, 2019
    mrtumnus, Sep 12, 2019
    #5
    Lilla_My and WilBil99 like this.
  6. Sep 12, 2019 #6
    Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

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    Nicely put.
     
    Faceplanter, Sep 12, 2019
    Faceplanter, Sep 12, 2019
    #6
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  7. Sep 14, 2019 #7
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    You might be safe, but I don't think this would be helpful for their marriage at all. It's the same as ignoring the problem which never solves anything and, in fact, can make things worse.

    This can be a tricky area to navigate because, as an SO, we want our partners to initiate but for the right reasons. We want to be wanted and desired, but we are so used to just being used. In recovery, it can be difficult to find that place of comfort where we are able to know and feel the difference between being wanted and being used. It's scary to let yourself believe your partner is initiating for the right reasons even though that's what most of us want. But, SO's can also have a tough time with initiating. After being rejected over and over for so long, for me, the idea of initiating is terrifying.

    As for your #3, I think it's fair to ask your SO for support in things that you're doing to further your honest recovery and heal the relationship. Many SO's want to be supportive, and I believe that includes your wife. And, SO's have the right to say no if they don't want to or if they feel they aren't able to at that time . Obviously, the decision for things such as hard mode should be a mutually agreed upon choice. Together, you have to decide if (you believe) it will be more beneficial than harmful. And, if half-way through it, you both agree that it isn't working as you'd hoped, it's ok to make a different plan...together.

    I think it just takes time and a lot of open, honest communication for these issues to be worked out...along with a commitment to recovery. As long as you're both heading in the same direction with the same goals in mind and you're both being truthful with yourselves and each other, you should be able to work through it. I'm not saying it will be easy or fast, but it will be worth it.
     
    hope4healing, Sep 14, 2019
    hope4healing, Sep 14, 2019
    #7
    mrtumnus likes this.

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