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Obsessed with escort ads. Anyone else?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by FreeTime, Sep 15, 2019.

  1. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    Hi there i am new to this community and particularly struggling this past week. I definitely have a problem with excessive porn watching. Over the past 4 years this has escalated to several times a day searching escort ads. I have never been with one and am married and very much in love my my wife of almost 10 years. I have come close a couple of times (contacted escort and then cancelled before interaction).My intention has always just been to dry fuck (seriously) - i have booty fetish and just want to feel a girl twerk on me without having sex wth her just so i know what its like and i can fap to it later with a quality memory in the spank bank. I know this sounds crazy but its the honest truth. I have nothing to hide in an anonymous and safe community such as this. I am no stranger to other anon goops as i have had the addictions that I've dealt with 12 step style and trust the process. I am confident that I don't ever want to follow through with anything - I know myself well and would not be able to live with it. I have depression issues and ADHD with what i believe to be hyper sexual tendencies. The last text conversation was with an escort a few days ago and i am still ill thinking about it. I ended setting up a meeting with her and backed out at last minute. I was so scared that i paid her for her time and left without any intercourse, oral or otherwise, not even kissing or touching. I was instantly flooded with remorse and decided to leave. I may have been stupid to pay but I had never been in such situation and she began talking on the phone with someone in another language as soon as i said i was backing out. I'm not sure if these girls work with security and was too scared to negotiate and just paid and left. I deal with a lot of shame issues as it is and my daily obsession with 'checking' sites has me so preoccupied that i am unable to carry on even basic daily tasks. I sincerely have never been with one (escort) and am more scared about where this could go or even her finding out about my obsession to look. I have been treated for depression and suicidal ideation in the past. I haven't been able to find any others on here or elsewhere online that are just "lookers'. If my wife ever found out I don't even think she would believe that i don't take action anything and this would destroy us and ultimately i don't think that I could continue living with the consequences of hurting her. I sincerely love her so much but just cant stop checking sites several times a day. My porn watching tends to come in waves as i am on and off medications that affect sex drive. I can't f stop watching and checking sites and have been battling this obsession and secretly flapping to porn for years. Anyone else relate to this? Any feedback sincerely appreciated.
     
  2. Just want to be honest with you ...It’s a matter of time.

    You will back out because it’s your guilty conscience. Eventually that barrier is overcome or quieted and you will try what you fear.

    You are using your own curiosity to bait yourself.

    Why does it require an escort to dry hump?

    Does your wife not know how to twerk?
    Can you get the same thing in a club?

    I think you need to express your feelings in order to get a handle on them.

    Do you have a men’s group or accountability group ?
     
  3. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reponse, need4realchg.Agree with you 100% - I think you're absolutely right and that's why I'm asking for suggestions. I used to work in bars and have had ample brush ups. Its become almost a kink or obsession I guess. She definitely knows how and i am sincerely attracted to her. When i am on porn sites I'm pretty much exclusively on 'doggy' in the search bar and spend several hours a day there. I'm not trying to sound weird here but i crave the curiosity of what it would be "like' to dog juicy bootys. Not saying its healthy I havent been able to ditch the obsession. What sort of accountability groups are you referring to? Thank you.
     
    WorldPeace and IbrahimViking like this.
  4. Sure. I can understand your fetiche. I get what’s up vids that are provocative about twerking.

    I think how you process it is really the piece that needs to be explored and I would say disarmed and detonated.

    So you have a fetiche.

    So what?

    I have one for redheads. It’s like a fatal flaw. Redhead and freckles and I am a Charlie Brown.

    How do I handle that ?

    Flirt ?

    Well I’m separated but I would probably flirt. Or just say something that doesn’t repress my feeling.

    I have learned to journal and share with guys here and a AP.

    Before that I would take it out on endless porn searches for girls that look like the girl I saw and that’s less productive.

    I have had various girlfriends at the same time (disclaimer) I’m still dealing with that but I am uncovering what pulls me to that more than trying to repress or control the urge. Ironically I have found a lot of success in smaller steps.
     
  5. IbrahimViking

    IbrahimViking Fapstronaut

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    You sound almost proud of the fact that you don't want (yet) to have sex with the hooker, as if you are doing your wife a favor by that. But I think that if you never-ever have vaginal, oral, or any other sex with a prostitute, what you already do now, and wish to do, is a type of cheating on her. It's almost as if you look and then Do Not contact them to prove to yourself how you are not cheating and have control over the situation. I don't think you do. I also think it's okay that you don't. Whatever you are in, it will get better. You are a loving and caring husband, and want change, you are here.
    I can't wrap my mind around how desire for your family happiness takes equal place with a desire of something so abstract as some sensation that a body can give to you, but that's none of my business.
    This is just my personal first impression from your post, I don't know your actual story, thus apologies if this is a bit far fetched, but I don't think your wife should care if you "went through" with it or not. That is just a difference between what body parts you used. The heart of fidelity to your wife is in what you choose with your heart, as her friend. Knowing, what would hurt her, and choosing to do it or not do it.
     
    WorldPeace, Roady and need4realchg like this.
  6. Yeah. I agree. He’s cheating already but setting up some ground rules so he has an alibi and denial privilege later.

    I don’t really care about the cheating personally. Unless he has a reason not to cheat it’s going to continue and probably develop roots.

    Speaking from experience.
     
    WorldPeace and IbrahimViking like this.
  7. IbrahimViking

    IbrahimViking Fapstronaut

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    Look at the title of your thread. Can you really say you never pursued, or are you in denial?
     
  8. I find the concept of hiring someone for sex extremely disgusting. So no, I have never considered it. The cons outweigh the pros, and chances are you would not be their first client for the day. There is also the risk for contracting HIV or Herpes from one, as they are likely not using contraception or getting screened for Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
     
  9. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    I think i may struggle with what i am articulating to say :( . I am ceratinly not proud of any of this. Very lost and depressed because of it. The fact that I haven't been able to stop looking is what brings the shame and hopelessness about. I don't want to. Its that i can't stop that hurts. Thank you all for responding anyways. :(
     
    IbrahimViking and need4realchg like this.
  10. Don’t let shame control you to be a better person. It’s the equivalent of using emotional blackmail to be moral.

    Accept your feelings and face your fears.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
    IbrahimViking, RobbyGo36 and FreeTime like this.
  11. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate that and i truly don't believe that Ibriham was trying to use shame. He did acknowledge that i am trying to get help, which I am. I think that my circumstance may be a bit unusual and hard for people to comprehend. I have searched a long time online to find someone with a similar struggle and that is why i thought I would try this forum. I DO struggle with porn, it has just developed into a different online obsession which has escalated to me almost having physical contact with another. I acknowledge that is is certainly just as bad, and that is why it would truly kill me if this got any worse or if she discovered any of this. I have been monogamous in relationships throughout my entire life but very promiscuous in between girlfriends. I have never been a "player" and have always valued sincere relationships over 1 night stands. I have struggled with addictions in the past and overcome them. I understood WHY is was medicating with past demons. This is one that i have trouble uncovering the roots of and sincerely love my wife. Its why I reached out. I'm just not very good at articulating my thoughts properly. I am really trying to sit with my feelings around this all and own the shame and guilt. It has just come at a time in my life where I was already struggling and came close to killing myself and had to seek treatment for that. This was something that I even had too much shame to bring up with therapists. I brought it up once with a psychologist back in 2015 when i noticed it becoming an obsession. He said that a lot off guys who were depressed turned to porn and even hooker ads as an escape to jerk off to. I guess i did a poor job of expressing the frequency and severity of my problem. I am not here for sympathy. Only trying to make it stop. I do Thank you for listening.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  12. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    Also in one of your original replies you mentioned an accountability group, did you mean perhaps reaching out to a Sex anon 12 step meeting?
     
  13. Yes. I misspoke. And I edited my original statement.

    I’m not focused on the user— I am saying how we treat shame internally is key to how we overcome a cycle of shame and addiction.

    The sex anonymous is a good place but if you aren’t ready for that step just try an accountability partner.

    I didn’t attend anything SA until last week. But I did share with plenty of people here and in real life to create a connection.

    What you truly lack — is a deep satisfying connection. Dopamine hits aside, you need to deal with that.
     
    LavaMe likes this.
  14. Agreed. I just finished texting my wife telling her how much I appreciate her. I must admit that my PMO abuse numbs those feelings. I really do love my wife. That's enough for me. I'm lucky to have such an understanding and driven partner. Now it's my turn to step up and be a better partner.

    I know that your post is aimed towards the OP. But I read this and immediately felt the need to say this. It's so simple. Focus on the connections, not the dopamine hits.
     
  15. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    I completely understand. I used to love to look at escort ads. I also liked looking at user profiles on porn websites. My favorite genre was quality amateur porn.

    In fact most of my porn and masturbarion sessions started out with checking out craigslist and backpage ads. I’d tell myself it was a harmless thing. I’d think a peek won’t hurt. But every single time I looked at ads I ended up jerking off to porn. I can’t tell you how sad and at the same time happy I was when these websites weren’t available any more.

    Don’t be so confident. Each time you think about doing this you are making it easier to do. Each time you check out ads you are making it easier to do. You’ve now gone so far as to meet an escort. You’ve overcome the hurdles that were in place to stop you. Why do you think you can’t still have ‘success’ in overcoming whatever resistance is left?

    Thinking about being with someone else is cheating plain and simple. I don’t say that judgmentally. I mean it is bad, but your aren’t alone. I do it too. I’m doing it less. But when you are hypersexual, as most porn addicts are, you’re going to have this problem too.

    You are right. You won’t be able to live with it. You’ll heap shame and guilt on yourself if you do it. If you do it you’ll most likely fall apart in not only your PM habit but in other areas of your life. You mention other addictions. Following through on this could cause you to jump back into those.

    So, you need to understand that you need to seriously check yourself right now. You need to make a plan for getting out of this. It will be hard, but you can do it. Use the wisdom you find here. Set up blockers. Get an accountability partner. Figure out what deep needs you are masking with PM and escort ads. Love yourself. Don’t keep harming yourself with these destructive habits. If you want to stop this you can.
     
    Deleted Account and FreeTime like this.
  16. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    I can't tell you enough how much that response means to me. You re absolutely right about how we acknowledge our shame internally. Through recent treatments I have lbeen learning to do that through meditation and understanding the emotional distress issues that I ran from. I think as hard as they were to hear, I heard some truths in this thread. It may sound hard to believe, considering what I have shared here, but I really really do have an amazing connection with my wife. One that I've never had in any other relationship and hence why I truly feel sick for my behaviours around sexuality. The truth is though, that I have lost a lot of 'friends' from the past because I gave up drinking several years ago and my social connections are not what they used to be. I went from having very vibrant social life to isolating myself and only wanting to stay at home. When my wife isn't home that's when I escape to the computer. I have ADHD which definitely is involved in dopamine deficiencies and is often comorbid with hyper sexuality in various forms. I am starting new medications to hopefully help regulate that. I have only very recently been trying to find new ways to establish better connections in my life in healthy ways and completely agree 100% with what you say about needing deep satisfying connections. The encounter that I mentioned in my original post scared the fuck out of me. I know how addiction works and it's why I screamed for help on here. I just started reading Johan Hari; "Lost connections: Uncovering The Real Causes of Depression and The Unexpected Solutions" Your last statement - 'What you truly lack - is deep satisfying connection, you need to deal with that' couldn't be any more true. It's been almost 48 hours since I've browsed any sexual content or fapped and that is a start, but there is plenty more work to do around this and I sincerely appreciate your response and feedback. Really. Thank you. I was choking on tears just by reaching out as I was typing this and my original post. It means more than you may know that you listened and responded without judgement. Your contributions to this community are valuable and good for you for reaching out and making connections that have led you to making it 150 days. Your experience and insight have made and will make a difference for others. Thank you so so much.
     
    IbrahimViking and need4realchg like this.
  17. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I am starting to believe that I can have success in overcoming whatever resistance is left. Reading the last few comments that you have all left is giving me hope. Some truths that have been expressed i this thread have been hard to hear but some of the answers I have been looking for. I understand that each time i seek the dopamine hit I am priming my brain to make it easier and easier to keep doing so. I sincerely appreciate your honesty with your own struggles and being open about them with others really helps. Thank you!
     
    LavaMe likes this.
  18. FreeTime

    FreeTime Fapstronaut

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    I just did the same. Thank you.
     
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  19. You got it man. I am sharing the tough medicine I am taking. Stronger than I want, but strong enough for my condition.

    Thanks for the support guys. Onward and upward.
     
    IbrahimViking likes this.
  20. I agree with NEED FOR REAL CHANGE. Your punishing yourself. Just go to a club and get a lap dance. It would be more fun and cheaper. You could also stealthily introduce the subject to your wife over time, and get honest. Probably the desire will disappear and your marriage will improve.
     

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