WARNING - Permanent Consequences are Real

Hello everyone,

After nearly 2 years of struggling on my own to overcome my own capacity for self deception (and self destruction), I have decided that some support may be necessary to maintain my sanity.

I promise this long thread will be worth the read, and encourage you to skim it if you're skeptical. As I have a tendency to ramble, I'll try to be as concise as possible. I used to ejaculate on average 2-3 times daily since I was in middle school, sometimes as many as 8 times in 24 hours. Usually I would go back to back, and ejaculate 2-3 times in an hour or so. I started masturbation in 4th grade (very early if i say so myself), and even used to "pocket pool" in class in 6th and 7th grade until I got caught and I haven't done it publically since.

Anyway, one night after 4 or 5 ejaculations in a night (i would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and jerk off to fall back asleep), I felt a popping and jerking sensation that left me with pain in my left testicle and extreme chronic discomfort in my genital area. That weekend, I was visiting my ex girlfriend in seattle and we had sex once a night. On the way home I almost pissed myself on the plane ride back. For 3 weeks I could barely walk from pain and cramping in my hips, upper legs, hamstrings, and testicles. After abstaining from ejaculation for 5 weeks it appeared most of the symptoms had subsided. In which case I started masterbating again. I promised myself that I would never have successive ejaculations again, but after about 3 more weeks i ejaculated back to back and felt the same popping sensation again, leaving me with a pinching pain at the tip of my penis that would be chronic and sometimes come and go.

Long story short, I saw a urologist and had a few different tests. I had a varicocele in my ballsack and prostatitis. Doc prescribed antibiotics and i went through 4 cycles of different types over the next 6-8 months. Each time I would recover I would do something to cause my symptoms to re-emerge. I no longer used any form of contact with my hands for stimulation and I'm now able to ejaculate with just my thoughts. This became a very dark and dangerous hole for me.

I have found with my addictive personality with everything in my life (lots of various drugs since HS), that we humans have a strong proclivity to rationalizing our way into things that we know to be false because we desire them to be true. This pathology, I believe, lies at the heart of addiction and self-deception as a whole.

Over that next year and through this year, my struggle has not ended but I have re-gained my autonomy in day to day life for the most part. I will periodically relapse on a short binge of 1-5 days or so after a month or more of abstinence, sometimes every day (in which case I notice a strong increase in symptoms.) I have gone on 4-5 month-long breaks and have re-agitated my prostate from either ejaculation (still hands free, sometimes involuntary when I wake up), or from caffeine or alcohol consumption. I have gotten to the point where any relative frequency of caffeine, alcohol, or masturbation within a week, even 2-3 times of any combination, will cause me to have foamy urine (signs of kidney problems, I also had protein in my urine on one test) and symptoms of incontinence. I have also had painful ejaculations or ones that do not stop even after the orgasm is finished. Its as if my penis keeps pulsing for almost a minute or more sometimes after the 5-10 seconds of normal ejaculation. Additionally, I will occasionally end up releasing seamen while I pee or poo, and have small spasms in my penis and prostate area that last weeks following my last indulgence. It feels as though I have a blood flow issue now where blood will flow down the shaft of my penis, feeling similar to when I ejaculate but with no pleasure or triggering stimulation or thoughts.

Besides warning others, I am on this forum because my struggles have left me feeling broken and defeated. I am no longer confident I can please a girl, as any friction is enough to cause pre-mature ejaculation within less than a minute sometimes, or a painful erection and prostate. I am embarrassed to put myself out there and find something meaningful, and I cannot even consume alcohol at social events where things look promising. I had a perfect situation thrown at me where a beautiful blonde girl who I really hit it off with told me she thought I was cute as my buddies house. Everyone was drinking and I let myself have 1 glass of wine. As I became sexually stimulated while flirting, I felt like I was going to piss myself every 2 minutes and when I went to piss, I ended up releasing seamen in my underwear about a minute after I had gone to the bathroom. This caused relief, but when the time came and we were alone and making out, I got hard and it was painful. I had to tell her about my situation, saying I had chronic-bacterial prostatitis, even thought I strongly believe its non-bacterial, and that I couldn't have sex. She seemed understanding and we still made out and chilled just fine that night, but she iced me out when I tried texting her that next week.

I'm posting this both as a warning to all to not allow yourselves to short-circuit your brains. Using false logic to convince yourself of what you desire to be true can have dangerous and life altering consequences, as patterns of deception seldom occur acutely and you will corrupt your logic to not consider consequences.

I am also seeking support and advice to better find a meaningful relationship and accept and take responsibility for my situation. It seems too easy for me to fall back into my own selfish patterns when I don't have the hope of something meaningful anymore. I have lost the sense of urgency that enabled me to go 30-45 days without masturbation multiple times when this problem started, and now I cant seem to make it past 2-3 weeks.

Thank you for reading this novel. If you made it this far I would appreciate any/all feedback if anyone has experienced any similar symptoms, or even just a remark or opinion on the situation. Best regards

 

Thanks!

Much appreciated and same goes for you if you ever need support!

 

Thanks for all the feedback and support! I know I have it in me to get past this chapter in my life and I hope this forum will help keep me oriented toward what I need to do to get better. I do still have some concerns about potential permanent damage... as I have recovered from my symptoms only to make them worse many times. I don't know how to describe it but it doesn't feel like some type of acute exhaustion like it did before. Like I described before I feel like I have some type of blood flow problem with valves or something. I feel a pulse of blood rush to the tip of my penis intermittently throughout the day (feels like the same blood path of an ejaculation) and the prostatitis symptoms seem to be wierder and wierder. They're not the traditional UTI like symptoms or pinching sensation at the tip of my penis like I used to have. On several occasions I felt almost a ripping/tearing or popping sensation that literally felt like I broke something in my prostate. I'm sure that I could have gotten better, and maybe I still can, but I'm not too optimistic.

It seems as though every indulgence in my life I have fucked myself up only to get better and fuck myself up again. In HS, I did so much lsd and nbomes (psychedelic research chemicals) that I actually developed hppd (permatrip) for the better part of 2 years. After this, I still managed to deceive myself into bingeing on a ton more and dive way deeper into the rabbit hole. I couldn't even smoke weed for several years as the flashbacks were too intense and had a demonic aura. Its as though I obtained too much forbidden knowledge or something. It's like I flew too close to the sun. I ate from the tree of eden and then proceeded to eat the rest of the tree. Instead of dipping my feet into the river styx I dove head first and got swept away. Sorry for all the metaphors.

After that whole chapter I also had problems with a variety of other drugs, all of which I only seemed to be able to overcome when the world gave me a good enough reason. The only time I have been able to overcome them historically was when the universe no longer permitted me to enjoy them. I was a reactionary being, incapable of autonomously choosing what I wanted to do and proactively taking the measures I needed to not let things blow out of proportion. I feel that ejaculation, not just masturbation, is nearing that point for me as well. I feel like I corrupted my soul and dove too deep and now even the most mild of indulgences seem to feel dark and evil to me. Perhaps it's all in my head, but knowing that fact doesn't enable me to overcome the wall that I built myself. I hope that one day I will be able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship and remain content without slipping into the pit again.

Despite the negative context of this post, I am actually quite positive about my future. I have alot of potential and am quite gifted in many things that I enjoy. I feel narsacisstic for even mentioning that but it's important because I have learned to find meaning elsewhere. I just find it hard to try and re-introduce any type of indulgence into my life without slipping into a deadly pattern of obsessive behavior. This "obsessive" mindset also enables me to dive deep into my passions and whole-heartedly devote myself to my healthy interests. I think most blessings and curses are 2 sides of the same coin. Nietzsche once said that in order for one's branches to extend to heaven, they must be rooted in hell.

If the price I must pay for the years of selfish indulgence is that I must be a zealot, than I'm willing to accept that. There's so much in my life that I care about more than chasing my own indulgences, but I still fear my own capacity for self destruction as I am all too aware of my own proclivity to falling into the pit I keep digging. What I truly need now is to re-develop the sense of urgency to get better, driven by the fear of my own self destruction. I feel like I'm numb sometimes to the feelings of despair and horror that had given me the strength to recover time and time again before. If anybody has any insight or support to help me with this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks again for everyone's feedback and support. Also thanks for dealing with my insanely long rants.

If you have read both of my little novel-sized comments you're the bomb.com and you deserve a klondike bar.

 

I appreciate the insight and offering of your support. I don't believe that I dislike myself, however, except perhaps the part of me that continues to go against what I truly desire. It's as though I'm fighting against "another" me that feels so foreign and distant that I can't even identify it as part of my self. Although I had some problems with my childhood, I don't believe they're the root cause of my issue, and I certainly don't dislike myself or view it as punishing myself. I think I just twisted up parts of my brain though my own self deception in order to convince myself that I could do things that I shouldn't. I just really enjoyed losing myself to the temptations of the unconscious and allowing myself to spiral into depravity.

As I stated in my last reply on this thread, what I believe I truly need now is a means to re-develop a sense of urgency to get better. I need to fear my own self destruction as I feel numb to it right now. Thanks again for your reply and support