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Porn ruined marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by dannyboy91, Sep 16, 2019.

  1. dannyboy91

    dannyboy91 Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    I'm keeping a journal on a different forum but I wanted to post in this section after my most recent relapse and telling my SO about what happened. I've never been caught and have always owned up when I've relapsed...recent relapses (in last two years) however have been worse involving two-way cam sites occasionally. Very stupid I know, I don't need anyone to tell me that. This is what this has addiction has led to. I told her about this yesterday and she is obviously very hurt.

    Anyway, I now consider myself fully in recovery and am on day 32. I have also started attending a 12-step addiction course/group every week.

    I mainly wanted to post here to get some thoughts on practical things I can put in place so that I can maintain open communication with my SO. My relapses happen partly because there isn't an open dialogue about this and so I justify a thought, then an action, then a full on relapse. I can't let this happen again. If there is anyone who has put some good roadblocks and boundaries in place then I'd love to hear from you please.

    This has to be the end of this addiction for me otherwise it will be the end of my marriage.

    I am realising more and more that my addiction is a symptom rather than the main issue, although it is an issue. My SO is also sick of the person I am now, in the fact that I often lack motivation to do anything, feel depressed about life and am not the person that she married 5 years ago. I don't recognise who I am anymore and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have used PMO to numb my emotions for so long so I guess only now am I starting to feel again, but that is also very hard to deal with. All the shame and guilt of what I've done along with a sense of a lack of purpose in life sometimes makes me wonder if I can carry on.

    Anyway I guess I just need some support in this journey
     
    Hold it in and mrtumnus like this.
  2. bludeo

    bludeo Fapstronaut

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    Hi Dannyboy91,
    I'm just starting out in my recovery too and in a similar situation. You sound similar to me in that I know a large component of my problem stems from using PMO as a form of self-medication for anxiety and depression. I am planning on working to address those underlying issues with the same intensity as the addiction. I think we need to find a better, healthier way of coping. My worry isn't making it 90 days, it's 1 year or 5 years down the line. What can I put in place now to make sure I don't relapse then?

    One thing I have been thinking about is whether mindfulness can be of help. To cultivate a mindset of recognising sexual thoughts in much the say way as depressive or anxious thoughts. To quote:

    "Mindfulness also allows us to become more aware of the stream of thoughts and feelings that we experience," says Professor Williams, "and to see how we can become entangled in that stream in ways that are not helpful.

    "This lets us stand back from our thoughts and start to see their patterns. Gradually, we can train ourselves to notice when our thoughts are taking over and realise that thoughts are simply 'mental events' that do not have to control us.
     
    dannyboy91 and Lilla_My like this.
  3. dannyboy91

    dannyboy91 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply! Yes this is so true... I don't just want abstinence but I want inner healing and full recovery from this! I am realising that porn is not the main issue but is my drug of choice in order to get through life instead of dealing with emotions in healthy ways. Just this realisation has been huge and mindfulness definitely plays a part in that!
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    To open dialogue I suggest FANOS , it’s a good relationship/recovery tool if you can practice it honestly ;)
     
    hope4healing and dannyboy91 like this.
  5. I commend your bravery to fix your addiction. And wish you the best in saving your marriage
     
    dannyboy91 likes this.
  6. Practical things .. as you mentioned, this addiction runs deep. You basicly have three jobs to do: beat the addiction, heal yourself and support your wife. Don't expect you SO's support; hurt partners are bad supporters. Rightfully so.

    Loads of info on this website about beating this P addiction. In my experience it's a lot like quiting smoking. Take away acces, triggers and temptation and .. don't smoke. It takes years before the smell of a cigarette repulses you instead of temptates you to smoke again. Same with p. I just quit p 1 year ago and it's now a lot easier but I'm still not strong enough so I need to avoid triggers.

    About the self improvement and relationship; to change anything, you have to DO things. Reading, discussing and thinking is interesting and educational but does not change anything. Suggestions: talk more, write, make lifestyle changes, work changes. Paint the house. Learn a new language. See old friends.

    True insights into ourselves comes from interactions with other persons. Look for those people. Self improvement (= your own happiness) is the best thing you can do for a relationship. And it also works the other way around: allow your SO to develop herself. Stimulate her to do the things she loves to do. To meet other people that can be mirrors.

    I think partners are crappy therapists. Therapists can even be crappy. The church, o god, crappy! But meeting good people is gold. Wisdom is on the road, out there.

    Try FANOS, a relationship acronym. Here is a blog about it. Won't save your house from burning down but it is a step in the right direction.

    One thing not to do: having kids to save the relationship. That's a classic. Kids are great but the need to have them, with a partner should come from love and shared dreams. Not a crisis tool.

    Baron of Munchausen once dragged himself and his horse out of quicksand by pulling his own tail :)
    You can do this. I hope my rambling is a bit of help.
     
    dannyboy91 and mrtumnus like this.
  7. Well put! Great advice here; even if you've heard it before, it's a good reminder.
     
  8. jolee80

    jolee80 Fapstronaut

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    Watch Helping Her Heal and the Terry Crews videos. My husband refuses to accept his behavior and how bad it has destroyed me. We are already divorced in my heart, the paperwork just hasn’t been filed yet. Don’t be like my husband. Be transparent and ready to learn, as well as ready to execute your plan. It’s gonna be messy, but you created the mess and it’s your job to clean it up. Best wishes to you.
     
  9. dannyboy91

    dannyboy91 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the detailed post and for some great advice!
     

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