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Am I being sensible or is it just another excuse to avoid women?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Chappie77, Sep 20, 2019.

  1. Chappie77

    Chappie77 Fapstronaut

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    A bit of background.

    I'm in my mid 40s. I've being deliberately avoiding women for the past 15 years (Around the same amount of time that I had broadband: coincidence huh?) because of PIED (Delayed ejaculation).
    I've never had a sexually satisfying relationship with a woman. All of the relationships that I did have lasted 2-6 months tops. My last girlfriend was when I was 29. My "sex life" since then has been exclusively PMO.

    Over these 15 years, even though I haven't been looking, I've had a few women at work show an interest in me. But I would never do anything about it. PIED was in the back of my mind. I'd say to myself that any relationship with me would be doomed from the start. Eventually they would move on or hook up with somebody else. Seeing those same women pregnant and having children with another man was hard. It could of been me!

    This year the desire to have a happy family life came on strong. I want desperately to cure my PIED and meet a woman and have a child. So here I am. I'm now 37 days in hardmode nofap. I started off good, better than expected, but lately I think the withdrawal effects have been getting me down. I've being doubting myself, doubting my ability to attract a woman that I liked.

    Early in the week I was in work and a woman that I've known for quite a few years, who works in another department, approached me and asked "I seen you out running last week, you getting back into it?". I've always being very fitness and exercise conscious, well up until about 2 years ago when I seemed to drift away from it. I've taken it back up again since I started nofap, using my lunch break to go out for a run and eating at my desk later. I replied to her: "I've let myself go, but now I'm determined, I'm making big changes". This seemed to strike a chord in her. She replied "Do you remember what I said to you last year?". I asked "what was it?". She said "That you should go back to the gym". I replied in a playful teasing manner "That's very cheeky of you". We continued talking in a flirty manner for several minutes. There was definite chemistry. Later on when in the shower I started to imagine her with me, touching and kissing her. I pushed it out of my mind as I was starting to get an erection.

    Fast forward to yesterday. I visited the department she works in on a work related matter. When I was finished I made a bee-line for her desk. She was assigned an indexing task and I offered to help her. We sat chair to chair at the one computer. Things got very flirty again with lots of joking and incidental touching. She was asking me about my house. She said something like "You don't want to invite me to your home because you don't want anyone to know that I've been there". I replied "You are invited anytime". Again throughout the day I had continuous intrusive thoughts about seducing this woman.

    Today. She turns up in my department. I'm pleasant, but I'm having reservations. She's trying to fan the flames. Stretching and sticking her tits out, looking me up and down like I'm a cream eclair. Being coy and teasing. I'm pleasant, just more friendly than flirty. She says she wants to get something off me and She'll come back at lunch break and meet me here. I tell her "You can help yourself, I probably won't be here". "Why's that?" She asks. "I'll be out on my run"

    I come back from my run and what she had asked for was gone.

    I want to have sex with this woman. But the thing is: she is not a long term prospect for me. She's a 49 year old divorcee, but looks a lot younger (mid thirties), and has a 23 year old daughter. So I will not be having a child with this woman.
    She is also an immigrant whose family lives thousands of miles away. I'm very tall with wide shoulders, she's tiny. I'm a home owner, she rents. I'm management, she's a team member.

    Relationships between staff are not forbidden or discouraged and there has been many marriages made from couples who have worked together here. But like in any large organization there are break ups as well. Which can make things awkward when those involved continue to work together. I also have a good reputation in my work. I don't want to be known as a pump and dump type.

    When I started this nofap journey I just wanted a normal relationship. but now I realize that I want a child and family. I was allowing my dick do the thinking this week. But a part of me worries that I'm putting up these barriers to once again reject a woman who is offering herself on a plate. I'm concerned it might be psychological issue with me.

    My heart is saying no. My head is saying no. But my dick is screaming YES, YES, YES!
     
    Hold it in likes this.
  2. Daedaleus

    Daedaleus Fapstronaut

    You're being sensible, I think your final line spelled it out pretty clearly :)

    But I am happy to hear that you seem to be discovering just what all you want in a relationship as you go through this!
     
    KellticJK and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Big point. In fact this contradiction is what all people on nofap unites (women analogous)
     
  4. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    She may be interested in casually seeing you, if that's what you'd like too. Only way is to sit down and put it out there, that you like her but don't want to lead her on in the form of a LTR.

    Or just cool it off if you really think it's not a great idea given work, age difference, etc.

    But either way... In the mean time you could look out for more women to meet. You may even consider dropping back on your business hours (assuming that's an issue) and going out to more events or regular social gatherings. Think dance lessons, festivals, conferences. As long as you're genuinely interested in whatever it is, then you're most likely to have a good vibe and introduce yourself to people there.
     
  5. Chappie77

    Chappie77 Fapstronaut

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    That sounds a logical and mature way of approaching it. But do these FWB arrangements actually work that way in reality? Doesn't one party always have more romantic investment than the other? It's not in my nature to do anything that would lead another person being emotionally hurt.

    I'm very eager to try and have a normal sexual relationship. To test out if the nofap reset worked. But this flirting has escalated at such a fast pace I was not ready for it. My plan was to finish the 90 day reset and then start looking for a partner. After 15 years of exclusive PMO to be suddenly thrust into the world of sexual relationships is a shock to the system.

    I'm no spring chicken. I don't consider myself particularly good looking either. Maybe this is the type of woman who is in my league. I just can't help thinking long term. It's probably a pipe dream to expect that a single lady in her early thirties would want first a boyfriend 10 years older than her and then to have kids with him in a very short time frame.

    As I said I'm sexually attracted to this woman. But I feel I'm putting up barriers between myself and her that are real or imagined. I have gotten very used to being on my own. The thought of having to put up with another persons habits and baggage is a turn off. Even financial exploitation worries. I'm not rich, but I fully own my own home and have a decent enough income.

    And there is the possibility that I'm waiting for a unicorn that is unrealistic. She must be between age of 29 and 34, no kids but wants some, financially solvent, not be obese etc..etc.. I have all these high standards when I'm far from perfect myself. I'm afraid these thoughts and standards are just going to keep on coming up, stopping myself from ever letting go to form a relationship.

    And big time, because we work together, if I was to form a relationship with a colleague I would want to be 100% fully committed and honest about it. I would not be entering into it with a plan to exit later. I have never done internet dating. The thoughts of having to deal with time wasters or people just interested in getting their ego boosted worries me. But at the same time I know that there could be someone truly special for me out there. Any relationships that I've had in the past have always being through work or friends. All of my family and friends are now either married with children of their own or we have lost contact. Anyway I would say they have giving up trying to introduce me to single women they know. They tried that 10 years ago.

    Meeting women socially through social activities is something I am definitely going to pick up on. I already signed up for an adult education course.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
    Asgardian36 and Reborn16 like this.
  6. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    you dont shit where you eat - means you dont date gals from work.

    from your story, looks like she was playing you rather easily, seducing you... and almost inviting herself to your house.
    she is desperate.

    I'd rather date her 23 yo daughter lol

    my advice: abstain from any relations with this woman. work is work. nothing less, nothing more. gossip will kill you.
     
  7. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    I think FWB arrangements usually only last a few months to a year. It can be a life experience, some fun, but at some point it will become unsustainable or turn into a relationship.

    It sure is a lot better than virtual sex with PMO. But at the same time I tend to agree with @BigBallOfFire , it's generally a bad idea to start up something casual with a girl at work IMO. Perhaps it would be ideal if she was long-term material, or you were just changing job locations.

    I think a 5-10 year age gap is normal, ideal in fact. Fine line between selling yourself short and subconsciously searching for red flags in potential women that put you off.

    Standards can change as you work on yourself too. Focus on a few areas you'd like to improve, make some changes in those areas, and I think it's only fair that you aim for similarly sorted out partners.

    You'll enjoy the social activities I'm sure. I've done dance for a while now, and the key is I don't expect to get heaps of dates out of it, I just go for fun and social experience. The positive side effect being I'm now getting more comfortable talking with people in general in other settings too. The associated benefits add up.
     
  8. Stop focusing on sex ("casual dating", "FWB", "PIED" etc.) as you did on porn. Get it out of the way, with your goals it's a waste of time and goes nowhere.

    Get as much social exposure as possible. Get somewhere where you can expose your strengths (you seem to have your shit together). The ideal setting is where you work together on a common goal in a medium-size group setting, so you can find out how someone tackles challenges and deals with crisis (and others see how you do). In the right setup you get to know enough about someone in the course of weeks to months before actual involvement, so you don't have to go through time-wasting trial-and-error dating relationships, followed by breakups. (You see, sex doesn't really matter here.)

    Forget about your checklist (age, looks etc.) and ask God for help. He is the actual matchmaker and if your honest goal is a family instead of degeneracy, He will bring it on. His part is arranging the "coincidences" you have no control of, so that you actually meet a similar-minded woman on your journey, who is still looking.

    Then fast-track to marriage within three years to pregnancy. Three years is the hard limit for that.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    Could you elaborate more on this? You meant that with a younger partner you are more prone to ignore red flags or I've misunderstood you?

    Exactly. I have several girls at work who would LOVE to bang me and get me into a LTR with them. Only one chick out of that group does something positive with her life (she started exercising- good, however she is still far too negative and has this negative outlook on her face. On top of that I saw pics of her from 2 years ago when she was REALLY fat. IDK why but it disgusts me. How you can make yourself so miserable to achieve such state? Were she lazy? Bad diet? Or both? Anyway.. means cellulite is still there, and the stretch marks.. yuck)... this is also a deeper problem ''for me'' - thanks to social media I can see her previous job was one of the lowest possible (a mere position at a grocery store till) and this means she had no initiative before to achieve anything. You can say - youre too cruel, she was fat 2 years ago, her job was bad but now she has better job etc etc... true. But the background shapes mentality. I want top shelf, not someone for whom I am 10/10... she'd be a 5.5/10 for me. At best.

    Another girl - she is even more after me. But then so what? She drinks massively, lives unhealthily... every time I am telling her I am going to do yoga or cycling it doesnt even interest her. She doesnt even pretend. Instead she is asking me to drink (she knows I dont drink really). So what she has to offer me? She is 34, fucked by dozens and dozens of guys, what exactly she brings into the table?

    My standards are too high? Unrealistic? Nope! I havent learned about the red flags to ignore them now just because theres nobody fitting my expectations now. I will wait and I TRUST and know that the Universe/God/WhatNot will send it to me, eventually - as above, so below :] Or maybe, he sent it already....theres this one girl... and I will ask her out -but first another 100 days of no pmo :D

    So yea. I wont be changing myself short. Im looking for someone from a good, stable family with strong father figure. Feminine. Good healthy behavior. She has to at least show similar traits to me. I dont want to get into relation with someone's potential! I did this mistake in the past. Life is too short to make it again. :)
     
  10. abhisek

    abhisek Fapstronaut

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    Its very difficult to control now
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  11. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    To elaborate, I think it can be easy for guys to sell themselves short, go for any girl that shows interest (and it sounds like you're avoiding this extreme). And on the other extreme one may find themselves creating a list of 'tick boxes' or standards for potential women, that is usually just too extensive, so they pass up many girls, some which would be time wasters, but others may have been misread too soon.

    So, if anything, you may just want to monitor that you don't get too close to the second scenario. But wanting someone who is in shape, has a few similar interests, and maybe a hobby, that should not be excessive prerequisites at all IMO.

    And I guess if the environment you spend the majority of your time in happens to have too many women who miss the grade, it really is an investment in yourself to pursue anything social outside of work when you get the chance.

    And you know a girl you'd like to ask out? Awesome! Do you think waiting 100 days will help though? I mean, if she sees your interest (and girls having that 6th sense, she likely does), then why not make the move now?
     
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  12. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    why not now? because when u will have sex with her you will orgasm too many times, waste your life force energy and will be more or less back to square zero because yes, orgasms to porn deplete it but normal sex does it too...so to me its better to already have a full tank before the journey its not about her its about me! hope that makes sense
     
  13. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

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    idk man.....i have mixed feelings about this whole thing...on one hand I think you should see where things go with this woman whom you are attracted to. On the other, if this thing goes south, i wonder how it will affect your reputation at work!!! Who the fuck cares is you had a fling with that woman.
     
  14. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    I understand your reasoning, and seeing as how we all recover differently it makes sense we might want to put certain practices off for longer.

    I have read on the 'your brain on porn' website that having sex (without overdoing it) can help re-wire our reward system, and apparently releases a whole different set of chemical reactions compared to when we orgasm solo. But again, the timeframe this happens is dependant on many things. I think if you're happy to wait, that is a sign of progress in itself, so kudos for that!
     
  15. 3nigma

    3nigma Fapstronaut

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    You’re definitely making excuses, dude. Are you afraid of being in a relationship? Why? I think the differences between you two are petty. You’re fantasizing about her dude. I say you do the natural thing and go for it. Opportunities like these don’t come along every day. If you don’t go for it, you’re just goona end up crying and fapping.
     
  16. 3nigma

    3nigma Fapstronaut

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    Wow dude. You sound like a class A dick and a half.
     
  17. The way I see it is you have a few options

    (If you aren't religious) You can have sex with her and not commit Or date her and commit, But It sounds like you want a family, so unless you just wanna use her for sex then you probably shouldn't. (Who wants to be used just for sex?)

    If you are religious everything you're describing is off limits. Including lusting after her

    In my own life, I'm just waiting for the right moment for that gal to come along. I know she will. I have faith
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2019
  18. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    how old are you?

    if you care to ask, you sound like a typical blue pilled mangina.
     

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