Coming Back after more than 4 years to this account ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING

Thanks man it means a lot to know that I'm not alone, some days I think I'm already cured but then I have some urges or weird thoughts and I realized my fight isn't over

 

Hey

 

NOVEMBER 2023 THE COMEBACK

I am back, could have opened a new account but I think it's kind of nice to keep the same old post I started 4 years ago.

Some might be wondering, what the hell is this guy doing back is there no hope for me to break free from PMO?
Well there certainly is, I should hope so. But this is not a defeat.
4 years is a long time and a lot has happened in that time. I am not the person I was when I first started to write this post, I have come very very far by the grace of God.

SHORT UPDATE ABOUT THIS 4 YEARS

2019 - 2020
After I stopped posting I managed to stay clean of PMO for a while, had success with the ladies and all and eventually got a great girlfriend.
I loved her and she loved me and I grew so much.
The relationship was very healthy, but old ways die hard and I eventually relapsed during COVID lockdown in March 2020 after a shit ton of months with no PMO.

I started to visit Reddit subs, which I did not know before, in my mind it was something new and for a long while I lied to myself thinking I was not an addict.

Got a good job and managed to be open about my problem with my gf.
But I kept relapsing and I did not tell her all the times I relapsed.
Still the relationship was very good.

2021

Ups and downs, but overall more ups than downs, had a great first job, was earning good money for my age, relationship was good, managed to get some periods clean while eventually I relapsed. Covid really affected me and I feel like I was still living like lockdown just going through the motions.
Started to go to S.A.A, got an sponsor, managed to stay for a couple of months free from inner circle. Worked the program (a couple of steps), relapse. Found faith in GOD. Kept working the program, managed 90 days free from PMO.
The relationship with my then gf deteriorated. Lots of unresolved issues from my side (inner child) coming up, fear of commitment, need for escapism and novelty made me eventually break up.
It was painful but needed to be done. I was proud I acted like a man and didn't cheat on her like I did to my previous ex, or string her along for longer than necessary.

Still I had come a long way and free from the influence of PMO, with a new joy for life, growth in my back and more maturity I set out to conquer the world...

Something had changed, I started to have my firsts bits of casual sex the week after I broke up, now in hindsight I realized that was probably not the best choice to do, but oh well, it was what I did to forget about my ex.
For the very first time in my live I was able to pull girls that I would have considered out of my league, and so I did. In the last 2 months of the year I slept with a total of 3 amazingly hot girls that I would have never been able to score.
Even though it was casual, there was a connection, in the sense that I got to meet a bit this women (sometimes through the course of a night only) but it was not just having sex for the sex of having sex.
My faith in God got deeper. And I managed to travel for almost a month and a half while remote working. Truly blessing times.

2022
That was going to be my year, I had just came back from the long holiday, where I had meet 2 amazing girls. I was on a hot streak and I did not think twice to download every dating app and start to score girls.
I had had 0 luck before with this apps, but now I was really getting a lot of matches and it was fun.
I was obviously not the same as when I had download the dating apps years before, I was more mature, stronger, manly, even grew facial hair
I was not happy with my job though, because I wanted a promotion and it was not coming so the year started with the realization that as soon as I got a job elsewhere (no matter where in the world) I was going to leave my current job and city and country most probably.
Regardless I was on a roll and so I kept it up. Quickly I got two friends with benefits, they were both aware of each other and where fine with it. Never in my life, I felt like I was dreaming.
I also started to go to the gym, worked hard, and got jacked.
Still free from PMO but the spiral was starting.
One cannot be a sex addict and have all this nice things going on for him with out wanting more.
I was dating nice girls, making connections, not falling in love, learning how to be a player, I was always honest with my intentions, some fell in love.
Having sex with very hot girls.
But I wanted more, and so I broke my rules, I fucked a girl I was not attracted at all, and the emptiness took control.
And took me back to porn, to the deep hole, I acted out with strangers on meaningless casual sex, part of my inner circle, and something snapped, I was like wtf am I doing.

I took it easy and cut back a bit on the dating.
Around the same time I got accepted for a job outside my country. In the other side of Europe.
I was very excited, I was going to be making 3x the amount I was making and living on my own.

Got there, and I fooled around with the girls there for a bit, but quickly like a gift from God came my girlfriend one night out in a Kebab shop.
This smoking hot, super cute and intelligent girl had me crazy about her since day one.
And thanks God she was not easy and made me take the time to really get to know her.
It was an instant connection, she was also from my home country and we were both in a foreign land.
We moved together after 3 months, and there were a lot of ups and downs, not in the bad way just the clashes of 2 very broken inner Childs. But we pushed through them, I was going to therapy and I was able to grow so much with her help.
Unfortunately my inner child is quite vindictive and so I started to revenge PMO after an argument.
And even though I managed to heal that part of me, the PMO was back and harder to quit.
I did not watch porn videos anymore though, probably haven't watched for 2 years now but I did watch reddit and twitter gifs.
I refused to labelled myself as an addict this time and was not following the program, but I was only doing it once every 2/3 weeks and because I had learnt not to spiral into guilt and shame I could do it once and go back to normal.
Still not ideal.
The end of the year was also very hard, I was living in the North of Europe and at some point there was literally only 4 hours of light. Which made me very very depressed.
Overall still it was a good year, full of growth.
I had a very nice physique also by the end of the year.
And had probably PMO at least 200 times less than the previous years.

2023
As I said the year ended rocky due to the weather and it started the same.
It was very clear for both my gf and I that we would not "survive" another winter in this place.
Still there was a lot of growth and love the beginning of the year and our relationship kept growing.
I was there for my gf when she needed me because the weather also affected her a lot, and she was there for me when needed.
In June we went long distance, she needed some time to rest back at home and I had found a job in the country next to ours. Only 1h.30 min flight so not bad.

We have been long distance ever since and I am very happy to say that our relationship has kept on growing and I hope I marry her one day.
However PMO was still an issue, specially now going long distance I couldn't be more than a week without it, again no videos just vanilla gifs but still I was feeling how it was affecting me.
I realized I never stopped being an addict and tried to quit for good in August but you know how it goes. 2 weeks and binge relapse.
I came clean to my gf in September and told her I was struggling with porn, it broke her heart and we had a very rough couple of days.
Eventually I managed to explain to her more about this addiction and she gave me the opportunity to keep on fighting by her side.
I have not watched porn ever since, but I still struggle with MO every 2/3 weeks. It's not healthy and I want to quit for good. I want to ask her to marry me next year and I want to be clean for a year before I do that.
I realize most of it it's just me being lonely, and missing the touch of a women and to be intimate with her, but my mind goes to complete compulssion and I can resist a couple of days until eventually I give up. The longer I resist the harder the binge relapse with MO is.

PRESENT

As I said this could be considered a success story, I mean the war is still going on, but to be where I am I have had to win many battles through out this last 4 years, and if I had kept going the path I was going I would not be where I am today, or I would not be who I am today.


But I am ready to end this war forever, to move on, to be reborn. To grow, get married, leave the child behind, be strong, reliant, masculine, a father, loyal, a faithful servant of God and above all to finally kill this insatiable monster inside me that always wants more. No more greed.

And here it starts, this is Day 1 I will be updating you guys, will try at least once a week. But we will see how it goes.


ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING because only when you stop fighting you have lost!

 

What's up Day 1 going strong some urges but nothing I can't resist. Tomorrow my gf is coming and I'll get to spend some days with her. Thank God for the opportunity because I really need it more than ever.
Had an amazing day productive and all

 

What Day it is, time def flies.
Day 5 about to be done, spent an amazing weekend with my girlfriend, I truly love this girl. May God make us reunite soon, InshaAllah
Having some urges but just as I wrote this thinking I'll have a shower and pray instead

 

Failed today so back to day 0. No PMO only MO

 

Thank you! Truth is it's not a relapse unless I truly come back to my old ways. Just a set back.
I have failed again, again no porn just MO. I'm trying to run away from something and I gotta figure out what because as soon as I came back home from a weekend out I did it.
Anyway I will keep going I can still get 3 weeks before year end so that will be amazing.

 

You are always welcome to join and ask as many questions as you want brother. We are in this fight together

 

I will be honest with you brother, as you can see I haven't been doing my best resisting urges. And I kinda feel like a fraud with all my recent relapses but I hope this helps you.
For me sleep is super important, so I try to always be exhausted at the end of the day, if I have an urge right before going to sleep I usually try to call my girlfriend or pray or meditate. Or just say out loud I won't masturbate tonight.
Hope this helps