Spiralling back into hell, how to climb out?

Hi guys, I'm back after my short break, and felt like writing an update post, albeit sadly not one proclaiming I managed to get back on a good streak. As you can see from my counter, that didn't happen.

Ever since I relapsed at day 322, I have found it harder and harder to get back to where I was, or even anywhere near it really. I've gone a month a couple times, a few weeks here and there, but recently I have been really struggling. I really feel like I've reached a tipping point where if I dont right the ship soon, I will completely fall back into old habits and essentially undo all my progress. In the past I have had people say "Relapsing only undoes progress if you let it, you dont forget what you have learned" and while I agree in a general sense, I really do feel like I'm somehow losing sight of what I'm actually trying to accomplish with all this, like I cant find a reason to keep going with it despite me logically knowing the reasons. I hope that makes sense?

The past few months have been very hard for me in general, especially the last month. I wont share too many specific details but in the last month or so I was diagnosed with a long term illness that, while not life threatening, threatened to break me completely for a short while before I came to terms with it. Then on top of that, a beloved relative was diagnosed with an illness that is life threatening, and I've been dealing with that. Then, on top of that, there has been a lot of petty, trivial stuff thats gone on, like my laptop finally giving out after years and forcing me to dip into savings to replace it, arguments with family, issues with friends, and other smaller issues that have acted as tiny cuts alongside the bigger issues gaping wounds. I'm not trying to make excuses here but with all this going on, I've turned away from NoFap and back to PMO as a way to make me feel better, and the thing is, it sort of has, and thats scary to me, because I know whats going to happen if I let myself slip more. Relatively speaking the issue isn't too bad now, but it WILL get to a point where I will be back in fetish hell if I dont do something soon. Problem is, I genuinely dont feel like I have the mental energy to deal with all this stuff at once, and unlike in the past where my issues were temporary, I cant just motivate myself to fix my own illness, I can only tolerate it and work past it, and of course I cant do anything to help my relative beyond be there for them.

I know I am capable of doing well at this, I mean I went nearly a year for Petes sake, but that was when my attention was almost entirely focused on NoFap. Now that its not my priority, I'm not sure how to stay strong enough to cope with everything else and NoFap on top. I hate the idea of being too mentally weak to do this, but at the minute it seems like I am, and no amount of motivational speaking from myself or others will fix the issue or really help long term in my opinion. This is why I turn to you guys in the hope someone out there can offer me some genuine help. If not, at least I got this off my chest.

 

Therapy would likely be free as I live in the UK, I dont even think I need to be referred for it, I could refer myself as far as I know. The problem is, the healthcare system where I live is absolutely AWFUL with the exception of the centre I go to for my illness (which isn't obviously a therapists) and is in fact a direct cause of a lot of my stress. I wont share too many personal details but I actually had a test done three weeks before I was diagnosed that should have confirmed the illness, but it got lost somehow and the nurses refused to help me, to the extent that when the results did come through after much pushing, the actual doctors were shocked I was treated this way and said it was a real possibility I could have experienced serious complications as a result of it taking so long. My relative had a similar experience; being refused help by insolent and incompetent staff and his illness is life threatening.

Suffice to say I wouldn't trust these people as far as I could throw them, especially not in regards to mental health.

 

Thank you for the feedback. What I find most scary is how when I relapse, 99% of the time its because I genuinely want to. Most of the time, I dont even realise what I've done until I've relapsed multiple times, then it hits me hard all at once and I feel awful. I know I have the ability to do this, I've done it before as I said, I just need to find that drive to keep going that seems to have been misplaced along the way.

 

Thank you for the advice. I think as time as gone on I have somewhat forgotten my own tricks and strategies to overcome the urges, but this is one I haven't tried. I will give it a go next time urges hit.

 

Thank you. I do think as time has gone on I've realised my addiction stems from emotional pain. Compared to some people, I dont tend to relapse when urges hit anymore, not usually. I dont suddenly get an intense desire and find myself unable to deal with it, I probably could look at porn for a solid hour and not react to it (not saying I would do this, just speaking hypothetically). Instead, I relapse when I'm in a bad mood, when I've had an argument with someone, when my day has gone badly or something has gone wrong. I remember now I relapsed at day 322 because I was unwell for a whole week and the stress of it got to me. I get a bad mood, and consciously CHOOSE to react to it by relapsing, and in the end it doesnt work but the temporary high distracts me enough. Its a toxic symbiosis.

I think I need better coping mechanisms, and crucially need to find a way to overcome the things that make me want to relapse in the first place.

 

This is likely true, I actually had a therapist for a short while when at uni when that was getting me down, and it did help me a fair bit. Problem is paid healthcare is not something I can practically afford. Sorry if it seems like I'm shooting down anything you suggest but its not really feasible at the moment.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I think if I can manage to get past that first month I can build up some momentum that will carry me to a much longer streak, its just getting to that point that I'm finding really hard. Its a vicious cycle of relapsing after a short time and vowing to try again, only to fail again at the same point. I know I can get past this its just very hard at the moment.

 

This is very true, I need to reevaluate what I'm hoping to accomplish with this and start moving back towards it, which is something I think I kinda stopped doing in recent months.

 

Thankfully I'm not unable to do the things I did before, so I can definitely do what you suggested, thanks!

 

Hi guys, I started another thread thats kinda a continuation of this one, albeit covering a slightly different topic. Check it out if you want

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...fetishes-and-regaining-natural-desire.251925/