What's your worst experience with porn?

I don't want to recall it.

 

Day 7 nofap.

4 years Ago 12Y"O when i was PMOing once a day I developet a really bad and addicting fetish and i feel ashamed talking about it here. If you want to know it i can tell you privately.

 

My worst sexual experience was not with porn, but because of porn.

I was around 2 years ago when I had a lot of money and started visiting escorts a lot.
I mean fucking a lot. I can't even count how much money I threw away on them. True shit.

I was visiting a sex worker and I used to like to be humiliated and such...
Told her I would like to give oral to a guy in front of her as part of humiliation play.
She told me her boyfriend was in the other room and asked me if I really wanted to go with it.
I said yes...
Boyfriend came in, started chatting up a bit all the 3 of us
When the moment came, I remember I didn't want to do it anymore, but I felt pressured and this guy was super muscular and stuff, very intimidating. I felt a lot of pressure to do it, so I did it.
After that they had sex in front of me for a while, everyone finished all "good"
I jumped into the shower and her boyfriend came into the bathroom saying that if I don't give him money he will trow me out of the window (dead serious face) and we were on the 7th floor.
It was a super fucked that lasted for about 5 minutes where he would keep saying me give me X amount of money because you used my shower, another X amount of money because of shit and shit. It was fucking traumatic.
He stole almost $1000 from my wallet and I didn't even had the chance to dress up.
I exited the apartment half-naked and just RAN like crazy on the stairs.
I started crying really hard on the street while looking for a taxi.
Went home, HOPING my wife wouldn't be home as I was cheating on her.

I really don't want to give all the details, but it was the most traumatic experience of my life.
All because of porn
All because of my past addiction
All because I wanted to be fucking humiliated

FUCK THAT SHIT.

 

Mine was in 2012.

I was very into Eroge, to the point I would think some of the heroines were real. I know they weren't, but I seriously took some advice from the games into my life.

My parents noticed I was drifting and then sent me to live with my sister. No computer, I had to look for a job, and I couldn't play any more eroge.

I spent half a year thinking about a heroine from an Eroge I didn't finish. As I was desperate from this abstinence, I took a package of some lady socks my sister bought and I fapped to that.

That was my lowest point in history. Fapping to a package of lady socks. The other time I desperately fapped over some cardboards, alone, no porn, then I went for a long walk around the city, all the time crying and thinking how miserable I was and how fapping alone was fucked up, I was fucked up fapping to stuff my sister uses.

I hope you enjoyed.

 

Holy shit man that’s scary

 

Mine was a few months ago. I wanted to stop PMOing but I couldn’t. It got to the point where I was getting very depressed because I was PMOing every day, sometimes more than once. I would beat myself up every time I relapsed. Then I started crying after I relapsed. Then all my energy left me and I didn’t even cry. I would just sit in bed after I relapsed and my thoughts would just race through my head. Felt like I was having psychosis every time. The voices in my head would tell me to kill myself and that I was worthless. I was too depressed to go outside of my room or eat some days.

Now I’m on day 6 no pmo and 21 days without p. My life has already changed. I feel more like myself and I feel confident. Stick with it guys.

 

Scariest - not with porn but because of porn. Withdrawals were absolutely horrible. Sleepless nights, horrible anxiety, feeling i was going to die, crying etc.

Most humiliating - my last relapse when i truly realised watching porn is literal cuckoldry. Was watching IR porn and i blurted out or thought something like "yeah fuck her good" and i realised thats what i was doing each time watching porn - being a cuckold

 

I have a number, but I'll share one of the milder ones. Many years ago I had the bright idea to use shampoo - I think it was an anti dandruff shampoo - as a lube. Outside of the shower. Even back then soap/shampoo had stopped working as an effective method for me to get off in the shower as for whatever reason I'd always go numb halfway through. Did the deed, wiped it off knowing that I should really probably completely wash it off, and later on found my skin getting really dry. I don't recall whether I washed it off that day or the next but the damage had been done. It was so bad that, well, let's just say that getting an erection was a bad idea. Didn't stop me from trying anyways.

About a week and a lot of skin peeling later it was close to back to normal.

 

Porn really is a rabbit hole that is just a total downward spiral. The further you go down the rabbit hole the sicker and sicker you get until you play Russian Roulette with your life just to get off and reading your experience completely woke me up and snapped me back to reality.

 

@Iron Will 100% agree.

The saddest part about porn is that porn is actually creating serial killers.
If you study criminology or behavior analysis you end up with the same conclution.

Not porn alone. Porn + environment (abuse) + triggers (such as a girlfriend leaving the dude) creates killers and rapists.

What I just said might not be appropriate at all for this forum. But guys...this is the reality.

 

A few months ago, I was watching a pornstar who closely resembled this hot girl in my class. Seconds before I was about to orgasm, my best friend calls me. I pick up, obviously annoyed. He tells me that he asked out the hot girl in my class, and she said yes. I was speechless, and felt like a complete loser. My reaction to the situation made me realise that I was using porn to fill a void of isolation.

 

I once edged for 2 hours to the point that my private area hurt for a 10 hrs. I felt so low and pathetic. That was just 1 of many realizations that I have to end this addiction.

 

My penis is pretty "Used". The skin is darken and damaged, looks like the penis of an old man (Im 30)
I dont used to use a lube and my hand is pretty big and "manly", so i hurted it.

 

Scariest part was just when I was lying down on the floor (I was confined to my office). And I had brain flutter. It was the scariest thing. It felt like a mini aneurysm. I thought maybe I’m having a vision... but I am way too sinful for that to happen.

I saw many memories experiences literally pass in front of me like a dream or flip book. I couldn’t move. Sometimes I felt so dehydrated I thought I would be unable to get to water.

I thought I’m gonna die here without finishing my life’s dreams all my talents wasted. Fuck this.
There has to be more.

 

I used to edge a lot and sometimes I would feel a sort of nervous pulse down there which I thought was f'ed up. Also the eggplant thing. And like many others chest pains, dizziness, fear.

 

@vulture175 The most pleasurable experienced I had during the addiction were all related to M.

Whenever I went to escorts and asked for the humiliation part, they didn't play along as I wanted them to.

What my wife recently pointed out was that because of porn, I had very specific desires/urges that if not met, I wasn't satisfied enough.

For example, when I used to masturbate in front of her (humiliation play), I was telling her in advance what I want to be experiencing.

The exact step by step stuff. Whenever she wouldn't play EXACTLY as I requested, I got mad. That was fucked up...she only tried to make me happy, and I didn't even try to do that in return.

Truth to be told...

I had a period for over 1 year where me and my wife simply didn't have sex.
I don't blame her.
I'm actually surprised she didn't leave me.
She was seeing other men and I was ok with it. (I'm really not the jealous type)

We are in an open-relationship now, I'm very ok with it and it's working great, but back then it was a cuckolding thing. Now I'm regaining my manhood back.

She is amazing and supporting, told her about my fetishes and all, truly opened up to her eventually and she did her best to understand me.

When I wasn't aware of how damaging all this P was doing to me, and in the year when we had no sex, I used to M a lot in front of my wife and she was verbally humiliating me (I asked her to do it, she didn't want to, but she did it out of love to satisfy my fucked up "needs" because I was manipulating her emotionally to satisfy my fucked up needs.

I have so much fucked up experiences I think I'm going to have to write a book about how they affected me and also the steps I've taken for recovery.

It might now be a lot to say I'm 6 days PMO free.

But so many things changed already in my life.
- I no longer identify with the addiction
- I no longer have cravings/urges to watch P or M.
- I got so much more energy right now I'm building my business
- My masculinity is starting to recover, and my wife feels the energy.
From not having sex in over 12 months we are not at the place that my wife is ALL over me during the day.
We both work from home, and she goes nuts over me like 5 times a day. Teasing me, speaking about sex (not humiliation) and she knows my limits. She's only doing all of this because she sees she can.
She touched me a lot over the last 6 days, more than she did in that 1 year. But I'm in full control.
I can go from a hard erection (because she did something) to completely cooling off within 5 seconds because I meditate in the moment.
I no longer have the neediness that I used to have. Guess what...at the opposite of neediness is detachment. Guess what happens in a women when she sees that in you. She goes CRAZYYYYYYY.
It's all biology, no rocket science. The longer I abstain from PMO, the more attracted she feels to me.

Again, I know it's only 6 days PMO, but I truly feel like I'm 90% cured of it.
Why do you think you need 90 days to recover? Because the community said so? I don't belive that.
Neuro-plasticity can take place within 21 days. That's basically rewiring your brain cells.
Once you have neuro-placitity as your friend, you are cured.

But I did soooooo many thing to recover. Meditation, Deep introspective work, Hypnosis, openly talking with my wife about it (btw, open relationship is not about opening your bedroom door. It's about opening your mind. It's a choice, a lifestyle. A lifestyle of living exactly the way you want to, not how others think you should be doing).

Either way, if you tell yourself you can or you can't you are right in both circumstances. Let that sink in.

 

You

I love your post. You have been incredibly clear and lucid.

I agree with you in every point.