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Near constant intrusive thoughts

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DedicatedShrum, Sep 28, 2019.

  1. DedicatedShrum

    DedicatedShrum Fapstronaut

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    Hey dear fapstronauts,

    I have been a regular PMO since late 2009, give or take. However, at the start of this month I have decided to finally stop this addiction which has been taking over my life for the past decade.

    Something happened with me, though. I started having an intense volley of sexual thoughts plaguing my mind since the start of the reboot process. Everything I see inside or outside I make it into a sexual thought or something more sinister. It is worth noting that they are so called fleeting thoughts, I don't dwell on them but they sort of happen. Only when I start ruminating do they expand and grow and become something horrible. They revolve around:
    -blasphemy and sexual thoughts about religion (I am a Christian)
    -me sucking myself
    -bestiality
    -incest
    -harming others

    It is like my brain has been awoken from its subconscious, subliminal thought pattern and it churns out unimaginable disgusting thoughts. Not sure what is happening but it is dreadful and a voice in my head says "you sure you don't want them, you will have them". Or "you don't want this to carry on forever but it will". It is absolute misery.

    On the bright side, quitting PMO has rendered me productive. I signed up to the gym (finally). I started reading again. Went and socialised with people. All of this because of the extra free time and the feeling rooted deep inside of me of loneliness. Matters are worse because I broke up with my girlfriend of more than 2 years. So yeah..

    Any words of encouragement or advice? Would highly appreciate any opinions or suggestions from people who have possibly went through this. Is it normal? It feels like a hopeless existence..
     
    Deleted Account and Roady like this.
  2. DedicatedShrum

    DedicatedShrum Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your prompt reply, brother !
    It is true, I have came to the realisation that this is indeed a spiritual battle being waged.
    After all, I was addicted to (it's a quite exhaustive list):
    -pornography
    -masturbation
    -lust
    -video games
    -weed
    -smoking tobacco
    -alcohol
    -not being able to curb my language like swearing a lot
    -meeting with the wrong crowd

    Also, having a girlfriend of other faith (it didn't bother me at first but the thought slowly crept into my mind and I ended it with her). I loved her dearly but thought this is another door I need shutting. And so it did come to that.

    Coming to your points, brother, I have done nearly all of them. Exercising my right of a born again Christian to be freed from this bondage. And surely enough thanks to the blood of Christ I am no longer a slave of pornography or MO. However, these thoughts can be pesky and disturbing. I would like to apply the blood of Christ against them but most of the time they happen every minute or at a shorter span. Freaky..

    I have confessed everything to a brother in Christ. He said what you now said. But it's frightening that the thoughts don't go away even if I have sort of become desensitised to them, knowing they are NOT my own thoughts and I will never act on them.

    It is nice seeing other Christian members on board. Glad to hear your testimony that you have overcame this addiction. For me, the longest period of no PMO was no more than a week before this current streak now which is ongoing. Never again. Porn is by far one of the most destructive things.
     
    Roady likes this.
  3. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    I’m on board with you man. Same here. After starting nofap I have had huge ups and downs. I’m also a Christian. I have been so low and so dark that intrusive and violent thoughts do enter my mind. I pray for them to go away. I know the lord could make them all go away at any time. Sometimes I get discouraged because they aren’t. But then I remember I did all this to myself. If he took it all away I might not remember the suffering I had to go through and fall back into the same trap.
    He can help me, but I also need to work at it and obey him.

    I love what @Roady said. Let’s take all thoughts and make them captive to the lord. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord. I want him to give me a new clean heart and mind.
     
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  4. DedicatedShrum

    DedicatedShrum Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much for your warm words! It is really great having such a platform to voice one's struggles.
    Having started this journey I wanted to detox from any bad deed ever done. I told my parents everything after carefully thinking of how exactly to structure the account of my life.
    Indeed, they were shocked to hear all of these hardships and past life hidden from them. There was no desire living a double life, hiding from them.

    My now ex girlfriend was a Hindu. Although, we had numerous discussions about faith she did not budge. Even after breaking up, she said she cannot accept the christian God, that all ways lead to heaven etc. It was rough. When I got the water baptism last year my long term best friend had ghosted me for reasons I did not get the chance to hear. Being left with my girlfriend, I clung to her for she was my crutch, support and lover. Now she is gone as well.

    Giving up on all the addictions was not something instantaneous. It happened gradually over a period of time. But now that I have shaken off everything, there is this void left. So I decided to attend a Pentecostal church and it was magnificent. I am planning to continue going there.

    Wanting to live for Christ. But also feeling unworthy because of all these thoughts that are desecrating him. I don't want them and having been sort of desensitised to them, they don't alarm me as much but are still there. I think that NoFap has sort of helped me ease the general anxiety that has been with me since I began and fuelled this porn addiction.

    Yes, meeting Christians and obeying Christ is so rewarding. If we only listened to what the Bible has to say on the many issues and matters we would have been in a better place now. Mentally and physically. Yes, I want my mind to be cleansed from anything evil. I want it to become the one of a child, pure and innocent. Can this ever happen?

    Today will be my 25th complete day of no PMO. I made a vow while starting this that no matter what, I will never ever run to PMO and the next time I have a sexual experience it will be with a woman to whom I am married. God's commands are so effective, if we all followed them the world would be in a much better place.
     
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