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Healing wounds with Wife: will you share?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MNWinter, Sep 27, 2019.

  1. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Hi NoFap,
    As I’m studying up on Betrayal Trauma and the healing process, counselors have suggested reaching out to other guys who have been further along in the journey. My wife and I have just started our process since May, and I know we have a long road ahead.

    If you’ve been down this road will you share what has worked and what hasn’t?

    Here are some of my questions:
    - what made her feel “safe” again?
    - what does the healing process look like?
    - how long did it take for you to be sexually intimate again?
    - what are the coping mechanisms you as a couple employ when triggers or setbacks happen?

    Thanks much!
     
  2. I'm not a PA, but I've been married to one for 20+ years. I just wanted to recommend a book for both you and your wife. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It is very good about explaining the betrayal trauma side of this whole thing, and it offers some helpful ideas about working through it.
     
    MNWinter likes this.
  3. Hey! Just wanted to give my input since I'm an SO. I don't think there was one thing my SO did for me to suddenly trust him all at once again. He did lots of little things to regain trust each day. At the beginning he would ask me pretty much every day "what's something I can do to earn your trust today". In the beginning we learned lots about boundaries. His willingness to learn and respect them helped. Him asking me to make consequences tougher, because he knew he didn't want the consequence. Him pitching in around the house more. Accountability software on all devices (he even suggested my laptop which we had not originally thought of). Addressing her fears and insecurities and seeing how you can minimize them. Baby steps.
     
  4. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Wow thanks so much for this @hope4healing !!
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Thanks Odie great advice here!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Another SO here. The one thing I highly recommend is BE HONEST. If you are hiding anything it WILL come out later and that wrecks trust. If only my husband had come to me and admitted things instead of lying about them and me having to beg for truth-we would be much further along in healing. Tell her everything even if you want to hide and lie because that feels safer. Worthy Of Her Trust is a great book as is Out Of The Doghouse.
    It is amazing that you are looking for ways to help your wife!
     
    MNWinter and hope4healing like this.
  7. MNWinter

    MNWinter Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much @Sadgirl I hope your sadness heals as well. Yes I have been an open book, and the thing I need to work on is to communicate more and more often, as our emotional and sexual separateness in this season is causing a lot of isolation anxiety. We are actively working on emotional and spiritual closeness, and I have to constantly fight my urge to withdraw and isolate myself.

    Thanks for the book resources! I'll definitely check them out.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  8. Hey, wishing you the best as you continue your road to recovery!

    I specifically wanted to reply to one of your questions:
    My take on this was informed by my counselor. I think that part of the healing process is to give your SO back the power you've taken from her. One way to do that is to let her control when sex comes back into the marriage. For me, it was a few weeks before we had sex after DDay, then she needed over a month to process through more of the betrayal. All the while, you should be working on yourself and your relationship, and be patient. The exact timing for each couple I'm sure will vary widely. Of course, before you can even begin to talk about sex, she needs to figure out if she even wants to stay with you, but it sounds like you are both on the same page there.
     
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