Struggling with cuckold fetish

I am really struggling with a developing cuckold fetish.

I was never into that genre but it developed recently and I'm really struggling with it.

I began watching porn when I was a kid. I never thought there was anything wrong with it but recently I had a five year relationship collapse and have been doing a lot of soul searching.

What I realized is that my porn addiction has been a problem in my relationships in the past. Every relationship started out great and there was tons of sex and attraction and love. However once the honeymoon phase ended problems arose. During the honeymoon phase of the relationship I generally don't watch a lot of or any porn because I am sexually satisfied with my partner. However because I go back to watching it it changes my sexual appetite. I begin to pull away from my partner and watch hardcore porn because it is exciting to me and I can live out fantasies that I am honestly just not confident enough to live out in real life if I am totally honest. Additionally I have also had an interracial fetish since I began watching porn when I was a kid so I can live out that fetish or fantasy by watching porn. Inevitably I get caught watching porn by my girlfriend (happened every time) because I am so open about it and don't hide it very well. This then leads to my girlfriend getting jealous of me and being less attracted to me. When they feel that way the sex suffers and so I get a lot of performance anxiety because I begin to believe that she is not attracted to me because of my inability to perform. When I get that anxiety then I don't perform as well and then cycle continues until the love dies in the relationship. I feel like this causes a my partner to not respect me and then be less attracted to me until eventually the relationship ends.

When I would watch interracial porn I would eventually run into cuckold videos because of how popular they are within the IR genre. I at first didn't like them at all because they seemed stupid and the humiliation was very gross to me. But eventually I started to get turned on by them. It's a weird thing too. I am drawn to watching these videos because the girls look very slutty because they are turned on by the bull. However I hate the humiliation aspect of it because it obviously makes me feel bad. Lately I've watched POV cuckold videos where the hotwife and the bull make fun of the cuckold to the camera. I hate it but I can't stop relapsing and watching them.

I recently read that the cuckold fetish, like any fetish, turns pain into pleasure. I've struggled with performance anxiety in bed and that anxiety has caused me a lot of grief. I've tried sprays, weed, kegels, pulling out and every other technique under the sun but I still struggle to perform in bed consistently. This pain is what the cuckold fetish is based upon. My brain is trying to turn that pain into pleasure and get aroused by the cuckold scenario. What turns me on about it is the idea that the girl can be very slutty and aroused by the sexually confident bull. I want to be that sexually confident bull but since my efforts haven't worked I feel like watching cuckold videos or porn in general is just me giving up on it. I keep re-setting my counter but every 5 or 6 days or so I inevitably relapse and PMO.

I want to rid myself of PMO and the cuckold fetish so I can be confident sexually and please myself and a partner the right way. I've been struggling to kick those bad habits and fetishes. Any support or tips would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to post such a well thought out comment. I can definitely relate to your story and appreciate your insight.