Im new, and need help...

Im new here, though I have lurked for some years. I decided to finally make an account because I am getting to a breaking point with nofap and porn addiction. I noticed a developing problem back in early 2016 and discovered nofap as a possible solution to my ED. I never really considered porn to be a problem up until I started reading about its relation to sexual dysfunctions. So I started doing nofap, and for the last nearly 4 years I have been fighting and failing in abstaining. 4 years, every day this has been at the forefront of my mind and its becoming an obsession. My typical streaks are only about 2 weeks, while the longest I have ever gone was a little over 7. My average length of time between relapses is only a couple days.

No matter how motivated I am, or I can make myself, I just cannot fight the urges when they happen. I can fend them off for a little bit but they always win over me. I have used porn ever since I got on the internet back in the dial up days, and even got into the streaming stuff in the early days of broadband and tube sites but I never really had a problem up till a couple of years ago. for the most part, dial up porn is about as stimulating as a playboy due to how long it takes to load a grainy picture, and I didn't have high speed access back then for a long enough period of time for it to become a problem. for a long time my internet was limited to prepaid mobile broadband with very limited data, so porn was very sparingly used. While on active duty in the Navy, I didn't have much time to spend watching porn, plus at the time my phone had limited data which prevented me from burning it all up on porn. But as soon as I got off active duty and came back home, my life changed. Firstly I got majorly depressed, and I just started watching videos on my phone as I had nothing better to do at the time. Not really caring about my data cap, Id just watch youtube until the data stopped. Well I noticed that after some time, my data was not turning off when I was certain I would have expended it all. And at some point my mobile companies policy on data usage had changed without my knowledge and that data cap was gone. I had unlimited high speed data on my phone now.

When that happened it was like being released into wonderland. first thing I did was go to a porn tube and just binged and masturbated until I went numb. And Id do it again later on, and I did it for months day in day out. There was a point where I was spending all my down time watching porn and masturbating. I counted one day as high as over 20 sessions. And this was nearly a daily thing for 7 months or so. I didn't really occur to me there was a problem until I went to have sex with a girl I had been talking to at that point and my dick just wouldn't work. I immediately figured it was due to the unprecedented porn and masturbation binge I had went on in the previous months and that was the point in which I discovered and started nofap.

To give some background, I am 33, generally good health, and work 2 jobs and own my own house. single, no kids, and a very weak friend group, so my socialization is very low. I spend most of my time in my house when I'm not working. I have little to no desire to do anything else, generally due to fatigue and depression after the work week is over. When I'm on a nofap streak, I'm generally stuck fighting between anxiety, urges, depression and general lethargy so it makes me days a living nightmare and makes nofap virtually impossible. I just can't fight the urges. that small bit of relief is sometimes the only solace I have. To make matters worse, I also prone masturbate. Which in and of itself feels far superior to regular jerking, and that makes it even harded to say no too as its the closest thing I can get to intimacy in terms of full body contact. So its kind of a double hitter for me, porn and prone.

So I need help. This has already been a long post so I won't go into anymore details until a discussion arises. But I'm getting to my wits end about this. I have break downs and the stress of it all is beginning to manifest itself physically. I want to get better and get over this and regain my sexual function properly. But I just don't know what to do. I've learned alot from this forum so hopefully interacting with it we can unlock new ideas and strategies and help each other more.

 

Thanks for the replies.

I looked over your journal. It did give me a couple of good ideas I might try. And I agree about the ego depletion. In fact its probably the biggest detriment to me. I've been dealing with this for several years now, and while I have learned a few useful techniques, ultimately it does come down to my ability to just say no to the urges. But that becomes harder and harder with each day. I watched a video which explained how simply not using porn (or other vices) will not work. you have to substitute those behaviors with other, more constructive things. I do remember from a couple of years ago, when I was first introduced to high speed streaming porn tubes, I used to spend most of the day watching porn and masturbating. Back then little was known about porn addiction, plus it was my first kind of dive into it so I didn't really notice an obsession if I even had one. But one other thing I got interested in due to having high speed internet for the first time was youtube. And more specifically, music from a game series called touhou. Touhou has such a massive library of fan made remixes of the game music, and most of it is really good and great to listen to. There was a time for awhile that I spend all day checking out and listening to all sorts of new touhou music. Youtubes recommended section was a rabbit hole for touhou music and touhou related videos which I could dive into. And some how, I felt more enjoyment searching out these songs than I did searching for porn. If I could find something like that again, something I could get into in such a depth that it makes porn seem virtually useless, that would be a magic spell to, if not cure outright, at least make the endeavor far more simple. My problem is, I guess at this point porn has destroyed my sense of joy, and its hard to get that back. I don't have much interest in my hobbies anymore. even video games don't do much for me. it feels more like a task I need to complete when I play them rather than a fun experience.

I do think I've forgotten something else which might be key. I am addicted to my phone as well. Im sure everyone here probably feels the same. always checking the phone, facebook, messages, IG and so on. I find my phone to be a huge detriment, and I spend most of my days now staring at it now. Ive tried to break away from it in the past, however its too intertwined into my life now that without it, I have no communication with the outside world, and the utility of it makes it invaluable. I also require it for my duties in the Navy Reserve as I need to be able to be reached for the military honors team I am part of. So its not something I can part with easily. I've considered getting regular non smart phone, but at the same time I do need gps, and all my internet is through my phone via hotspot.

So I guess the small goal thing is a good idea. Maybe trying to fight on all fronts at the same time and trying too look at the bigger overall picture is not the way to go. I need to take things a day at a time and one battle at a time. instead of trying to get 90 days, I need to worry about getting to the end of this day and then focus on the next. maybe I need to take on small tasks at home and keep my mind from drifting to porn without over burdening myself with thinking about all the work and cleaning I have to do. Do one task at a time, and that way for that time at least, my mind doesn't go to porn, then I go to the next task, and just focus on small things.

 

Thank you for the welcome. I will make an effort to check in daily if I can. So far I like the environment here. And the counter is very convenient. I liked opening up the boards today and seeing I made it the first day (well first day of this attempt anyways), and hopefully see my counter continue to increment. I'll do my best to be active. I think having a community to have some accountability to is very helpful. being only accountable to ones self, while fine for most things, just gives you an excuse to give in since you only disappoint yourself, which you can easily sway off. I hope that I can make this work this time. I've doing doing this for 4 years now, and the constant failing and restarting is getting old and id like to just be successful finally.