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9 Months Of Monk Mode - The Show Must Go On

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Fenix Rising, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    No Time to Rest

    I didn't write much about my personal struggles during 9th month so I thought it would be appropriate to write a few words adding to my previous month observation.

    I still stand behind findings and benefits I've written a month ago, but I have to be honest about being a bit overly optimistic about overcoming depression.

    First let me say that I'm mentally way better then I was 9 months ago. With that being said I must admit I still get occasional dark days.
    I've noticed that I can't let my guard down for more than a day or two. Just three days of not following exercise/breathing/meditation routine is
    needed for my mind to become extremely negative. I've learned to recognize and observe these negative emotions as outside bystander so they don't trigger
    stress or anxiety anymore, but still make me feel like shit. I try to rationalize them and ask myself why I started to feel this way, but I can find no
    answer. Could cause still be chronic dopamine deficiency? Maybe, I don't know. I do know that my routine lifts me out of the dark place almost
    immediately after implementation. I'm glad I found the tools to get me out of despair zone, but still, this is not a stable recovery I'm hoping for.

    The second thing I noticed is that anhedonia is still present. It has changed it's form and intensity in a way that it doesn't stop me from doing things like

    socializing or completing everyday tasks anymore, but it has killed my desires and joy. I socialize and do tasks because I feel obligation to do so, not because I'm enjoying it.
    In fact, I pretty much don't desire or enjoy doing anything anymore. I don't exactly know how to explain it. Maybe the easiest way is to write real life examples:
    I used to love gaming, flight sims were my passion, now I can't even force myself to open a game, I just downloaded, to see if it works. If I do, I can't find the will to play it
    so usually quit it in less then 5 minutes. I used to like watching movies, now I can hardly get past 30 minutes before I get so bored I have to stop watching.
    The same is true for regular TV program. I just can't stand it anymore. It makes me nervous, so I stopped watching it all together. I also lost desire to own new products.
    Buying things seems pointless. Even if I buy something, I get zero joy out of it, so I usually just don't bother with shopping if it's not 100 % necessary.
    I go out with friends just to not piss them off. I would hate to lose them, but again don't enjoy socializing a bit.
    I asked myself a question what do I still enjoy doing yesterday and I couldn't find the answer.

    The good thing is that I lost desire or need to watch any kind of explicit material. During my previous 6 months streak I used to think about PMOing when I was feeling down, being stressed, anxious...

    That connection is completely gone now. The funny thing is that porn actually bores me now, just like above mentioned activities. The other plus I notice is that there is no buildup of stress inside me which caused me to relapse during all previous streaks. I become more of a go with a flow guy, pretty much joyless but not too anxious.

    That about sums it up for this month. Let's keep walking on the path to recovery and see where it leads us next.
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    Last edited: Sep 30, 2019
  2. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I just read your post. Don't be too hard on yourself. Loosing desire for video games, television, and material consumption actually seems normal and logical as part of quitting PMO. These are basically dopamine based activities that can and often are addictive. This is actually a good thing. I think you need to dig deeper my friend. Really. I suggest you read Susan Anderson's book "Taming your Outer Child" and see if any of the content applies to you. Perhaps there are aspects of your personality that you are still unaware of, such as unconscious limiting beliefs, or self-esteem issues. And these may be inhibiting you from discovering what you like and are passionate about. Or, even from pushing yourself to figure out more and more what you dislike. I think it's a misconception to know exactly what you want in life. We only discover what we dislike through trial and error. Feel blessed that you now have a blank slate. Many people have huge debilitating injuries etc. What you and I are facing is an addiction, and you've done most of the work to the point that it sounds like you are no longer addicted. Of course addiction-based activities are no fun. Perhaps the friendships you made were based around such activities meaning those friends are no longer interesting to you? Keep going man. I enjoyed reading your post, I'm only 40 days in and it's been very hard with the withdrawals. I've been doing nofap for 4 years on and off and hope to go 6 then 9 months, then one year as I'm trying to cure PIED as well as build a healthy foundation.
     
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  3. clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    That is associated with the lack of higher goals. When you were numbed by porn you weren't even aware of that, because the addiction kept you going. Now what.
     
  4. Hishiryo

    Hishiryo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your post and the thoughts you shared.
    I second Bobjames. I've been thinking about why I wanted to start abstinence, and I summed it up this way : To fill my days with other activities than these alientating ones (PMO among others).
    But when the void is not filled anymore with your addiction, you start to open your consciousness to the immense possibilities in life.
    It is through experimentation, failures and exploring new roads that you will find what you can enjoy.
    I am sure you will find joy again in your life. Perhaps you can try going out to new places, maybe the city you're living in is a burden in your life?
    I have felt like there's nothing like a feeling of belonging to feel great joy, where you can build something with others. I don't have this with friends around me unfortunately, this might also be the case for you.
    Keep it up, you're an inspiration.
     
    Asgardian36 and Fenix Rising like this.
  5. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

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    I could have written this myself. We have a similar streak length and I'm experiencing exactly what you describe.

    My view is that the depression has always been underlying and I can only now experience it, and hopefully process the emotions I. E. now that we are no longer self medicating.

    I think it will pass as long as we persevere.

    Good luck
     
    Asgardian36, Fenix Rising and clapas like this.
  6. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    It's great to hear someone else is experiencing similar things as it makes me believe these symptoms are normal at this stage of recovery. I used to bitch about it, but I've realized that being able to process our emotions is a privilege not many people get. Sure it's not comfortable, often even painful to face them, but at least we got a chance to do it and grow in the process. NoFap path is a great teacher if we're willing to stay humble, listen and learn.
     
    Freeddom_Taker likes this.
  7. That's amazing!! I love the Henry David Thoreau quote at the bottom because I am at that stage too:) Keep up the fight!
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  8. TheGambler

    TheGambler Fapstronaut

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    Just need to ask, do you think that includes failing at the goals you have, or is Self help literature correct in saying we fail our way to success?
     
  9. TheGambler

    TheGambler Fapstronaut

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    Very much relate to your whole post but particularly this. I'm on depression/anxiety meds, Sertraline and Wellbutrin for it, I know its not for everyone but I thought I'd put it out there nonetheless.

    Funny enough when I went to sex related 12 step groups my depression actually got worse. I tried to improve socially and take more risks there, but pain from lost romantic relationships prevented anything from developing with women. And the fact that I probably have attachment disorder, borderline personality, ptsd, etc. The other night I had a dream that I drove a car off a bridge into some water, and as I was swimming up ran out of air, then woke up.

    I couldn't really tell you what I'm not compulsive about; alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, at times exercise, reading, spending. There was some quote about that from Carl Jung, paraphrased "Every addiction is bad, whether alcohol, narcotics, or Idealism". Couldn't have said it better.
     
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  10. Congratulation, keep going brother! If i were you i would stop meditation, and any breathing tecnique that can trigger trance like state of mind. I think these can cause anhedonia too.
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  11. superman611

    superman611 Fapstronaut

    I too have no joy in anything. There is nothing that I do that brings me any joy and nothing that I want to do. I feel like a robot. I go to work, come home, go to work, come home... I don't know where to go from here.
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  12. clapas

    clapas Fapstronaut

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    Failing is part of life. You can do everything correctly and still fail, but you need them goals to guide you. That's just my opinion. I hope it answers your question.
     
  13. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing. I can relate.
    I had anhedonia for 2 years after kicking a cannabis habit. I was just going through the motions of life. It was like someone had turned the volume right down on my enjoyment of life. Things that my family would rave about being fun would just not do anything for me.
    This gradually started to change as my mind recalibrated and became sensitive to the little things. It did take years though.
    Mindfulness meditation for me is very helpful. It makes me more aware of my thoughts and feelings.
    Exercise, good diet, meditation, connection with others , and engaging in meaningful activities are the 'meds' I have to take everyday to find value and meaning in life. And I know I will be on those 'meds' for ever, but these days I take them with enthusiasm knowing the benefit they bring.
    I also know that I couldn't figure out why I had addictive behaviour. I kept a diary for 15 years which outlined multiple cycles of addiction and attempted recovery followed by relapse. After a brief course of professional intervention I developed insight into the reasons behind my behaviour which massively helped to manage it. I have spent the last 20 years dismantling unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours built up in the previous 20.
    Sometimes it is not just as simple as giving up an unwanted behaviour and it sounds like you are in a good place with regards examining your thoughts and feelings.
     
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  14. pmoverit

    pmoverit Fapstronaut

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    Here’s my thing- I don’t wish to read everyone’s posting individually and in it’s entirety. Nor do I have time to.

    But I am wondering- after 9 months of noFap, are you “cured”?? Because if you successfully have gone that long without slipping up at all (no PMOing at all), then how are you not in a basically fully rehabilitated state?

    Again, i did not read entire post(s), I am just curious.
    I will read into as much as i can after sending this
     
  15. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    How do you define fully rehabilitated? If you think about curing PIED, not having cravings to watch porn or to masturbate anymore, then yes I'm most probably fully rehabilitated. If full rehabilitation includes fully addressing underlying issues that led me to PMO addiction rabbit hole, then the answer is no, I'm still work in progress.
     
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  16. Fenix - inspirational. Thank you for sharing so openly about your journey and with such clarity. It's encouraging to see so many things we can relate to, and things that improve over time too.
     
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  17. aymane29

    aymane29 Fapstronaut

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    Subscribe To Sadhguru in YouTube (will push you laugh and get more understanding of life, read this book: Inner Engineering: A Yogi's Guide to Joy, you will find it in amazon
     

    Attached Files:

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