Thinking about relationships, friends makes me more and more depressed.

It's day 3 i think. I don't know what is happening with me. I am feeling depressed and helpless. I think it's to do with how i have done nothing to improve myself.

I am where i was 10 years ago at the same place at the same house.
Seeing people who i used think were my friends and maybe my best friends didn't reciprocate the same feelings. Every acquaintance from my school has got jobs and I think their life figure out. But me ? None.

I don't think i'm particularity good at anything. I try to do bodybuilding because i was anorexic for most of my life. It feels good to me, Scoliosis pain sucks though so that's the other reason i go to gym for workout. I have made good progress though went from 47kg to now 80kg at 184cm staying at near 10% bodyfat.

I'm at home all day on weekends. No one calls me, No one cares. People or what i used to call friends only calls or message me when they need something, Even after i do what they want or need there is no thank or anything. Everything after that is kinda ignored.
Even at gym i have seen strangers getting together, having fun working out. But for me no one comes to me. For all my life people who i have had conversations with told me i have this serious or emotionless face. I have seen it myself. I have had instances where i am laughing but the opposite side always tells me i never laugh and it ruins the mood for everyone.

I have started writing online journal to keep track of my progress. looking though it i saw that some days i'm energetic and these thoughts doesn't even cross me but often i'm like this over analyzing things, being to self aware.

I so want myself to change. I'm sick and tired of being like this i remember i used to fap twice or thrice daily and going though porn for more than 3-4 hours in my highschool days. In this country where i live, having any sort of sexual education in highschool is like taboo. So never getting this i started masturbating at an early age of 10. That time i didn't have internet so fashion shows and fantasies was enough for me. The moment i joined college i realized how dumb and stupid i really am. I had no fashion sense wearing baggy clothing, not caring about myself enough.I changed as much i could but still sucks at social skills. I am doing my best trying to have atleast 1 small talks with strangers daily. I'm still scared of opposite sex. I'm weird,awkward, too negative when it comes to me.

It's my last year in college now.I am doing good academic wise and really looking forward to leave this town but at the same time thought of leaving this town scares me. I have been putting on this fake happy face in college but deep down i'm really helpless. I hate myself for being how i am. I hate looking myself in front of mirror.

This might be just a vent but i just wanted to know if some of you guys feels the same.

I hope next year would be good for me

 

Thanks for the reply bro
It feels good to see that other people have the same problem and working towards fixing it.

My only goal is to get outside this town and start to life a happy life. I am working on not needing outside validation to feel good about myself. Learning to be happy with only myself is a goal that i will achieve..