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Severe addiction: I need to come clean!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by goingStrong58, Oct 2, 2019.

  1. goingStrong58

    goingStrong58 Fapstronaut

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    It's been three years since I've really went back on this site. I once said I would recover and fight my severe addiction to pornography and masturbation. The truth is, it has only gotten worse and worse. For the last three years - but really the last 18 years - I have watched harder and harder pornography for hours a day, and even spent hundreds of dollars on it. I have also lost the guilt and shame that I once felt after a relapse and I have had a constant urge to watch. And somehow despite my addiction and all the darkness surrounding it, I had formed an amazing relationship with a girl I loved for over a year. This relationship gave me hope and comfort...

    However, the other day my world came crashing down.

    I was, of course, watching pornography, when my girlfriend messaged me that she couldn't be in this relationship anymore. We were currently long distance and she felt like I had been taking things for granted recently. I of course had told her about the pornography and we had talked through it. However, she was not that comfortable with the subject so I neglected to tell her the severity of my situation. The unfortunate truth was I had a particularly bad week of compulsive porn viewing, in fact, I had been watching it for several hours before she texted me. That was a moment I will never forget and I could never truly describe in words the pain and suffering I've felt since. My heart was ripped from my chest and yet I still had the one thing that gave me false security and a means of escape... this damn addiction. However, immediately once she left me was the moment I realized this NEEDS to stop. My life needs to change, and, most of all, this addiction must be fought.

    I quit watching immediately, and I told myself, "I am never going to watch again"...

    ... Of course I watched 3 days later. I had no self control, and it'd been so long since I stopped that how was I supposed to just quit, right? I hadn't changed anything besides saying to myself that I wanted to quit. After that I said the same thing, "I'm never going to watch again.". Which brings me to this present moment. I have just relapsed an hour ago. At that moment I felt truly awful. I felt lonely, hopeless, worthless. Guilt, shame, fear, and many destructive emotions.

    That's why I logged back onto this site.

    I know that changes have to be made. I hope to not just find a network of support, but also genuine friends and people I can form a true bond with. People who are also suffering from breakups, loneliness, and this terrible addiction. We must take hands and connect during these difficult times. In all honesty, times are getting tougher. The need for support and love is more dire than it has ever been. I need a community to fight this with, and I can't fight such a monster alone. I need your help. I need your support, and I need all your love.
    But don't forget that you also have mine. I'm glad to be back.
     
    Ogikubo, YEGDude, alexg1709 and 3 others like this.
  2. Crusader18

    Crusader18 Fapstronaut

    That seriously sucks bro, sorry to here about your situation. But pain and defeat give us experience so that we can avoid losing the same way again. It seems like you know how bad this addiction is now and know how important having a support system is. Welcome back to the fight, and best of luck.
     
    goingStrong58 likes this.
  3. tbird

    tbird Fapstronaut

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    I can relate. When i was cleaning up emails from my secret account, i was seeing stuff from 15 years ago. 15 YEARS! That's a big chunk of my married life and most of my kids growing up years. The surge of disgust was overwhelming. To face down a challenge, you always need something like that, a low point that you can refer to and say Never Again.
     
    goingStrong58 likes this.
  4. -CharDeeMacDennis-

    -CharDeeMacDennis- Fapstronaut

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    You got support here bud, you’re not alone in this fight, lean on the community. You can beat this!
     
    goingStrong58 likes this.
  5. Sorry to hear about this man.

    I can relate to those feelings, the last time I relapsed I felt all of those things, instead of a moment of joy it brought on an intense sadness.

    I don't bring all good news. I am a fellow long-time user of P, in all honesty about 15 years of various fetishes, because the brain never really gets satisfied. It became a habit, almost like how one checks the news headlines or their emails, that was how regular it was.

    I am closing in on 60 days and hopefully I can remain strong but I don't feel reset at all. The intensity of P thoughts/memories in the brain gradually diminish over time, for me they have not yet disappeared. I also still suffer somewhat from looking at other women in a sexual way. But this site and my streak has given me some hope. Perhaps 100 days is enough for younger guys, for longer-term people a longer reset is necessary. Myself, I am targeting at least 200 days.

    Do remember Fight Club: 'It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything'. Best of luck bro.
     
  6. goingStrong58

    goingStrong58 Fapstronaut

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    60 days is incredible man. You should be proud. I imagine that if I had a streak like that I would have a lot more confidence in my ability to withstand this addiction despite the intense urges. Right now i am aiming for a week, but I am also focusing on building other new habits and filling in the voids that my recent breakup has left for me. Eventually I aspire to get to 60 days like you. It will still take a lot of courage and personal development work, but i wont give up. Like you said based on that quote, the fight is starting.
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  7. Liam_here

    Liam_here Fapstronaut

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