Counselor Recommended NoFap

I recently started seeing a counselor since I'm dealing with some pretty heavy effects of my mom's addiction, my dad's inability to help her, and the ripples of destruction that are plaguing their relationships with us kids/grandkids. When my wife suggested I see someone to talk through some of these things I jumped at the idea since I had secretly been struggling with PMO for all ten years of our marriage and I needed to get help with it. I was open about it and seeking help for the first 3-4 years or so but I never had sustained success. I slowly fell back into the secrecy and hiding. I'm sure lots of you have been there.

Long story short, this week my counselor came across NoFap and recommended I take a look. After reading everything I could find on the site, here I am. I look forward to figuring out the badge thing, get connected to a community like this and get a streak going...ultimately kicking the porn use for good.

 

Thanks guys. I'm exited to get started on this journey again. My initial post was brief since I was wrapping up my work day and wanted to get home. I thought I'd provide just a little more context since it might resonate with some of you guys out there. This might ramble a bit but bear with me.

I remember the first porn mag I saw at age 7. I was so captivated and couldn't put it down. From there, I don't remember the next time I saw images of a nude woman but can think of a couple dozen times between that point and high school that I would either look at something on the dial up internet at my friend's house or found other friends dad's stashes of magazines or videos. In high school I began to seek out P on my parents computer and got caught a couple times and talked to by my dad. I remember being in a discipleship group and always talking about masturbating and accountability, but never being able to abstain.

After HS, porn use grew quite a bit and through college it was pretty regular for me to use PMO on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I was involved with youth ministry during college and had accountability partners who were struggling like me. Problem was, any of my accountability partners always seemed to be doing way better than me. I just figured when I get married and can have sex whenever I want this will go away.

Fast forward to meeting and marrying my wife just over 10 years ago. We waited to have sex until we got married but on our wedding night found out sex was difficult/painful for her. Our honeymoon had a shadow over it for both of us because of this and it didn't get better for about 9 months. After we got back we house sat for a month at my mentor's house and I found intimate photos he had in his night stand of his wife. I looked, then put them back. Then I returned and looked again. The guilt, shame, anger at myself..all of it just sent me spiraling. Over the next year I began using porn again and justified it since sex was not what I had expected or what I deserved. The shame and disappointment was very real.

I came clean with my wife a few times during that first two years of marriage and each time was just as hard. She had no idea that men look at porn who are not total pervs. We did two sessions of marriage counseling that were a combination of talking through this and issues with my parents. I joined a men's group through a local church and they did the 12 step deal with accountability each week. Again, I felt like everyone else could get it together besides me. I had one good streak in there where I didn't M for almost two months but still used P substitutes. After about a year and a half in that group I called it quits and pretty much never talked to my wife about porn use again.

That was over 7 years ago and I have had seasons of "less frequent" porn use, but never more than a few days without it. Over the last year, I have been working alone, in an isolated space. I've resorted to PMO every day that I'm supposed to be working, sometimes two or three times in a day. My wife knew something had been wrong, we were growing distant, I was being more short with the kids, I would avoid intimate conversations for fear of them going a direction I wasn't prepared for. It was bad. I started seeing a counselor back in July and just recently made it known how deep of a problem porn is. I've told my wife it's been a struggle for me and she wasn't surprised, but still hurt. She is supportive of me and broken by the betrayal and secrecy.

So here I am, ready to put this to bed. I'm encouraged by the stories of the men who have gone through a successful reboot and experience freedom from compulsive destructive behaviors. I'm encouraged by the new guys who have similar back stories and are just getting to a place where they realize they need help. I'm encouraged by the younger men on here who are setting up discipline in their lives to avoid some of the shit I've put myself through.