New start. Scary but I need it

Day 1.

Hey there. Yesterday I had a talk about PA with my wife. This happens every 3 or 4 weeks. It always starts the same... with my wife asking me how I'm doing. And especially asking me about what I am going to do about my PA. It's incredible how long we've been doing these talks because she knew I was a PA long before we got married.

Anyway. In the last decade I tried help groups and individual coaching. I can tell alot about how that went but the fact that I ended up here says enough.
So now I start my journal here. Actually the first place I really feel like I can truely tell my full story and really share my thoughts and fears. I won't bore you with this story yet but I do feel the need to eventually write everything down.

A little bit about myself: I am a 33 year old guy, married and we have two little kids 3 and 4 years old.
I started watching porn when I was about 16 years old. I tried quitting many times over but since then it kept pulling me back in. Since I'm married we talk about it every month or so. But to be really honest to her is really really difficult. For a long time the focus in these talks has been my problem and how many times and when and where exactly i masturbated. These talks drain me out. I just don't want to talk about it and I often get cranky or straight up angry. Eventually I usually end up sad and frustrated with my own incompetence.
So now I try this new way of quiting porn. Talking about it on this forum, looking up information and help. But eventually it will be a tough job for me to quit porn and masturbation and fill my time and thoughts with other, positive things.
Any help is welcome.

Day one has gone well. For work I had an interesting intro course on substance abuse. As a social worker I get to deal with alot of people that are addicted. In this course we talked and learned about all kinds of substances and what effect they have. We started off with listing everything everyone has ever used. So we already had quite a list of drugs and substances already. Also things like social media and gaming were on the list. As side note the teacher also added sex to the list about ten minutes later when it was casually mentioned by one of the other participants. That's also how I feel alot of people look at porn and masturbation. "There is nothing wrong with it." and "What's the problem, everyone does it."

So yeah. I do have a problem with it. And I really need to do something about it. So... Here. I. Go.

 

Day 2 and 3.

Yesterday I didn't take time to come to this forum. There was enough happening though. It's like my mind is challenging me on my newly started path of NoFap. On normal days I go about doing my thing and not really think about porn or masturbation. But as soon as I started my reboot it's like my brain is telling me I need the release through watching porn or masturbate. That's really annoying. But since I just started it's very easy to just not give into it and go an do other stuff.
One thing that helps is coming to this website and just read forum posts or information. Also I think coming in here and posting daily might be helpfull.
This evening I also talked about it with my wife. She is happy I am working on it. Although the conversation soon was about when I watched porn for the last time. That was last saturday when she was gone to a friend for most of the day. That always makes her disappointed because I don't really tell her sooner even though we talked extensively about the subject last week. It makes me feel down and always has a negative impact on me. I guess that's what I do and I am the only one capable of changing that.

The porn is always something that stands in between me and my wife. It makes it hard for her to trust me because I never tell her the truth and it is hard for her to express her love to me. Which in turn makes me feel down and hard for me to be there for her emotionally.

We've had some rough years. We've been fighting with my wife's depression. And when I say we I mostly mean her. The depression is over now thank God but it has taken years. And there is always some fear in me when she's talking negatievely about stuff that it might come back.
I feel like I'm really treating this as a journal. Just talking about stuff that is popping up in my head. It feels bit weird to post this. I'll leave it for now. See you tomorrow.

 

Thanks for your reply. I really hope I am able to keep committing to this reboot even if I fail.
I feel like talking about it daily is important to keep it 'in the light'. I have kept my addiction hidden for so long it's like second nature for me.
But for now it's the toughest thing to do. I almost feel like throwing up every time I think about sharing anything about my PA.

 

Thanks. Feels and sounds like the truth. The process isn't easy or pleasant indeed. I've been reading some more on this subforum about SO's and how that part of healing goes. It really hurts me to see the advice of many women to just RUN and never look back. At least... when you don't have children.

Last two days were tough. I had late shifts and quite some alone time at home. It were also some rough days at work with many clients doing crazy things while on drugs. This work and seeing these addicted people really hits me hard now that I am seriously working on my addiction. At least I can understand quite some parts of the stuff they are going through. And at least I won't be working on this location for much longer.

I am happy I did get myself to do other stuff instead of acting out I was just doing random things in and around the house. Cleaning up, chilling with something to read and gaming. Gaming itself might not be the best thing because it's behind a pc, but it does help me quite some times. I'm not sure on how to deal with that... Might be enother addiction just keeping me away from doing stuff I really should be doing.
At least I'm a week in now. I am happy with that. It's tough, but abolutely worth it.
I notice I feel very aroused last couple of days. That's obviously me going through withdrawal I guess. It doesn't feel normal or real so I do feel like it would be wrong to have sex with my wife. I read in another post it is important to leave that choice and power with my SO in order for her to have room for her process.

English is not my first language so I do find it hard te express myself some times. So if something isn't quite clear or sounds weird just let me know.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read this and giving me advice. At this moment it's just a tough journey to take and I have to learn to be honest to my wife. That's probably the scariest part.
Ok. Going to talk to my wife now. I bet she is very curious about everything I am typing and telling some unknown people online that I am not telling her.

 

We had a good talk. First time since ever I was this open about my addiction. My wife is really happy with it and so am I.
For those of you who pray. Please do so for us. Thanks.

 

Another day. My urge was a lot lower today. This evening I decided to go cycling instead of hanging around at the house. This was nice. It's nice weather although a bit rainy.
One more day of work and then I have two weeks of vacation.
Also I did talk to my wife about the urge to have sex and that it doesn't feel real. Like it's just my mind craving the stimuli I am used to for so long now. I think it was a good choice to quit P and M so at least for now it will also be quiting O. It feels like I need to clean my mind and body before going there again.
I did read up on some other forum posts about alot of people going through some kind of withdrawal or 'flatline'. Sounded like some stuff I should look up. I might recognize some of it.

I'm off to bed now.

 

Back again. I had some nice days. Last work day before my vacation was friday and it getting things in order before being away for two weeks always gives some stress. I usually don't think about PMO at work but this day I did think about it for a bit. It's just something I noticed and I think it's because I am busy with quiting PMO. My mind just often wanders into that direction.
Saturday it really bodered me. During the day on quiet moments my head felt like it was racing. Like a storm of images, thoughts and urges rushed my head. I had a hard time resisting or changing my thoughts. When i was cooking I browsed Netflix for a new show to watch and started one. I noticed it was in German and to check if that would change I browsed forward. In the preview thumbnail I noticed a sex scene and just like that I let go of my finger and saw half a second of sex when I freaked and clicked it away. That felt quite horrible and I regretted it instantly. I felt ashamed and felt like I failed. I also noticed I thought to myself that I didn't need to tell my wife or this forum about it. That really hit me the hardest. I really thought it wasn't important enough to tell anyone about it.
That evening I sat down with my wife and I told her about what happened and how I felt. The emotions and my mental response to this situation. It felt good talking about it and I am happy I did. My wife also said she is very happy I tell her about this and notices I am really changing in the way I take on my addiction. I never talked about it this way. At least not without being asked.

So the only thing remains... Is this a setback in my reboot? Am I back at 0 days? I am happy I am working hard on this and I am happy I immediately clicked the show away. I do feel it was a weak moment and now I notice how deeply rooted this problem is. If I get presented with pornographic images I will pretty much automatically look and watch. Even if it's just for a second.
I thought about this 'score' on this website and how it would make me feel if I would set it to zero again. I feel bad about it and it wouldn't be justified because I work so hard and do everything right. Apparently this score is this important to me. But I want to reboot for myself and get rid of this addiction for once and for all. And that means: no compromises. It's not about the days I am clean. It's about the journey I am taking. Together with my wife. To a clean and healthy life. And I know I am working well on this. But I don't need any reason to down talk my actions. Because that feels too much like lieing. And I've been doing that for way too long.
Also, I really hate lieing. I just can't stand it. I just con't handle it when people lie to me or try to fool me. So that's also how I have been seeing myself. A liar to myself, my wife and God. That's got to stop. So.... zero days it is.

 

Yeah I know. I might have been a bit harsh but at this point I think it is important to remind myself the addiction is indeed trying to sneak it's way back in. And I want to be aware of this.

So far so good again. I was having urges again yesterday but as soon as I keep myself busy it fades to the background. It pops up every now and then.
I will be off on vacation this afternoon. I might check in by mobile this week. My experience is that vacations aren't really problematic because I am off doing other stuff. PMO is pretty much an at home thing.
So I will see you guys later and thanks for the support.

 

Hi. I am back from vacation. We had a great time together with our family. Since we were so busy with doing all kinds of activities and being together I rarely felt the urge to masturbate or look for porn.
There were a couple of nights where I put the kids to bed and my wife stayed with at the restaurant. The urge was there but I kept thinking about how it would just go away and it would be only a short good feeling that I would have to pay for with a longer lasting feeling of failure. And when my wife came to the room we talked a little about it and that was it. So that was actually a really good experience because the opportunity really was there. I feel good about it.
Later in the week me and my wife also got together. I did have a bit of an straight forward aproach that put my wife off a bit. That's actually with most sudden or unexpected changes to normal routine with her. But it was nice to see she turned around a bit later in the evening. I was paying alot of attention to what she wanted and felt like and did my best to give her space to make sure she wasn't having doubts. She checked with me if this week was going well and I confirmed. I have only myself to blame that she immediately thought about the lies I told about it over the years. As I am typing I realize I haven't checked in on her about what she thought about the whole process afterwards. That's a little bit of homework for me.
I am glad my banner says 12 days now. It sure feels good. I think I am starting to feel like I can do this quitting porn and masturbation. But I also realize it's a tough road ahead. So now I'm home again I really should continue coming to this forum and talk about it with my wife. Maybe find some more people to talk to would be nice. We found a new church where we met some nice people and maybe we will continue to go there. We've been on our own for too long now and we both need more (christian) people around us.

 

Good luck. Good on you for keeping it up. And I see you are on 3 days now. Do you have like any plan for this 4th night? Get some distraction? I feel like it's not really about the number of days you are withholding from PMO, but more about not letting it keep you down and keeping up the fight. I am wel aware I can relapse but as long as I keep talking about it, come to this forum and talk to my wife about it I am still ways ahead on how I used to handle this the last decade or so.
So good luck to you. If I can do it... everyone can do it. And I actually really feel like that is true

 

Back again. I took a couple of days to come back to this forum this time. I don't know why exactly because I'm doing well. I do tend to slack when I feel something is becoming less important. So on one hand a good sign because I'm not too much thinking about PMO. But on the other hand it's not like I can say I am free of it. So, just keep on getting back to this journal. It's an important way to stay focussed.
Last couple of days went surprisingly well. I do think about porn from time to time. But it just doesn't feel as pressing or important anymore. Sometimes I do long for orgasm for just a moment but that's it. I have no trouble going to shower or being alone at home without the urge to masturbate. Weird actually... That's something I didn't expect to happen this quickly. My wife and I had a nonsense argument this weekend and I did realise that that used to be a strong trigger for me. Not so anymore. And that feels good. I just go about my day and we talk about it later.

@Talha_butt I hope you are doing well. Have you started your own reboot journal? I really recommend doing so.