Time for change!

Hi everyone, I’ve decided that venting my story will bring me great relief, and what better place to do it than here.

My first memory of PMO was when I was 15, When I found my father’s collection of magazines. I remember sneaking in to his room at every opportunity to steal them for masturbation. I would PMO at every chance I had through the years, and almost every day. Even at work or risqué places.

I am now 33 and I’ve just stopped my habit. That’s half of my life, and my whole adult life! That’s mind blowing, it makes me feel sick! I didn’t even realise I had an addiction for 10 years of it! It has cost me two long term relationships, and nearly ruined the one I’m in now. It only survived because I found better ways to hide my vices. I’ve tried to quit many times, the longest being nine months, but always relapsed.

Like many others I started to rely on ‘harder’ stuff to curb my needs. I’d feel guilty and disgusting, like an animal after use, but it wouldn’t stop my daily grind. Even after the breakdown of my relationships it wouldn’t stop. It just happens, like you’re completely brainwashed and have no control. So many times I’ve told myself no, only to have my phone out moments later using. Ive suffered from low self esteem, laziness and no confidence for years, and now realise how much PMO has played a part in this.

I recently stopped again, I’ve haven’t used for a week now. I have recently discovered mindfulness and self improvement which are helping a lot, and I’m also trying for a child with my partner. I’ve managed to change my way of thinking so I think that I view masturbation as a chance of having a child that I’ve wasted. That seems to be working well.

It’s been a week now and my brain is starting to use all the old tricks on me like ‘just once more’ or ‘it’s not a problem’. It’s looking for distractions and small anything ‘sexy’ on Tv or social media.

But I’m done with porn. I hate it. It makes me feel sick. I hate the person it has made me. It’s not going to destroy my current relationship or my life anymore! Time for change!

I’m so glad I’ve found this community, as I thought I was alone. It’s great to see people’s success stories and read all the advice.

Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in your own fight.