Newbie here. Day 1. I think I'm actually excited.

Excited, but nervous.

I'm a 42 year old male. Married to an amazing, attractive, smart and desirable 40 year old woman. Twin 9 yr old boys. Living a very fortunate and "blessed" (hesitate to use that word as I'm an atheist) life.

I've looked at porn since the advent of the internet really. I started PMO'ing frequently at about 18 years old, and really picked up the frequency once I moved into my own place at about 22. I can't remember, honestly, if I would jerk off more frequently then compared to what I've been doing lately. 1-4 times per day. Rarely missed a day. But things have felt differently over the past year...

My main concern is my relationship with my wife. We have sex infrequently - like 1 or 2 times a month on average, but I think we've probably gone a couple months without doing it once, here or there. I'm EXTREMELY attracted to her but when it gets down to it at night, I rarely initiate. She almost never initiates - its one downfall of hers, that she acknowledges, but it's not like she turns me down more than is "acceptable". So I need to look at myself first...why don't I want to have sex with her more often? I suspect it's this fucking porn addiction.

The other thing I've noticed lately is that the porn I was looking at was becoming more and more deviant. In particular, I would share pictures of my wife online for other men to masturbate to, and that would get me off, too. I became a cuckold in fantasy. Then over the past year, maybe not surprisingly considering the cuckold thing, I started getting off on gay porn. I was finding it harder and harder to even be excited by regular porn. I wasn't interested in ACTUALLY having gay sex and whenever it got close to that when chatting with men, I was repulsed. But something very odd was happening to my brain.

Finally, I'm tired of being scared that I'll be found out. Did I close all my browser windows? Did i leave a message somewhere on my phone? Will someone recognize me or my wife? I've gotten caught by my wife at least a couple other times, thankfully not recently with any of my more deviant stuff. But it's awful nonetheless, and I can tell that she does not trust my online behavior.

This is getting long. I'll add more in a journal. Just wanted to say Hi and get started!

 

I think there's only so much I can do to fix that, unfortunately. And I feel pretty certain that telling her about this will not benefit anyone. Our marriage is a bit rocky right now but we both want to do better, and while the idea of being completely honest about this sounds right, it would be very upsetting to her. I simply don't see enough upside to justify the damage it will do.