Starting Rebooting: Wife Does Not Know

It’s going to be nearly impossible to kick this on your own. You will need someone to talk to and be accountable. This addiction thrives in secrecy.

 

Brilliant first step in finding this forum. There is a load of support here for you. I agree you might struggle to do it on your own but with the help of this community you may do. Have you read all the info on porn addiction on the main site? If not I advise have a good read, and then share your story here, ask questions and read others stories.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

I’m in the EXACT place you are. If you’re looking for an accountability partner I’d gladly offer to join in the journey with you.

 

Carmichael, I’m in the same boat you’re in. I don’t think my wife knows but then again she’s not stupid. I hope it’s ok to share this, I’m currently reading a book titled “Breaking the Cycle” and with information on this site I’m doing much better at 10 days than I thought I would and each new day is a new record for me. Hang in there, you’ll make it and the rewards will be greater than you can imagine.

 

I would agree with your therapist. The fear and shame will never allow you to really connect deeply with your wife. It’s unfair of you to hide this part of you from her.

 

'Cupids Poison Arrow' is another good one.
I totally feel your pain about telling your wife. I used to convince myself she already knew and didn't really mind. As it happened she found out. She didn't know the extent or the length of time but it was easy to open up to her once she knew. It was a real shock to her and I wished I had told her myself in a controlled manner.
If I had told her myself I think I would have prepared the ground before hand by asking her how she would respond if she found out I had a problem I couldn't handle. I would prepare myself as well by running through her worst reaction and accepting that that might happen. It does feel SOOO much better now she knows and is able to support me in recovery, but I do recognise that is a big step and might have unwanted consequences. Maybe weigh up the pros and cons of telling her verses not?
I think you also need to forgive yourself and recognise that you want to stop.

 

Hi Carmichael85250,

First of all, congrats to your big decission!!

Second, I definitely do not want to put you down or discourage you by words that may seem cruel at the first glance. It is just something to be taken into account with honesty… I am talking out of my own hard experience of living in a marrieage with my own P-addiction...

The more you risk the more you can gain. If you two go through this period together your marriage will gain a lot! What you risk is that you will lose your beloved one. What you call a shame is more likely a fear of getting yourself into that risk. Especially if you do not have kids yet, I think your wife deserves that you take this risk on you for the sake of making your marriage healthy again since it is primarily your addiction that has poisoned it… And yes, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences with humility.

You already are causing problems to your relationship, my friend It definitely will not cause more problems if she knows what you are trying to do with rebooting. You wouldn't believe how supportive our wives can be! But yes, admitting that you are P-addicted and rebulding your relationship will likely be a dificult process.

This is gonna be the cruellest but sadly very true fact… Your P-addition is a very part of yourself. If your wife does not know about it, who does she actually love? If you are constantly lying to her, with what love do you love her so deeply and much? I am by no means saying you have not been loving each other with all the love you could. But it seems that your life has taken you to the border which you have to cross should you move on. There may be a land of enduring love or a desert at the other side. I strongly believe in the first case

Do you realize how unfair this is to her? As far as I understand women, she is likely constructing all scenarios that we, men, can hardly even imagine in her maiden mind mostly accusing herself of not being attractive enough, behaving well enough, and all other kinds of reasoning I even cannot come up with… She really deserves you to tell her ‘’It’s not your fault, honey, it's mine”. And even if you do, she will likely still keep hesitating about herself for a long long time… So deeply it hurts them…

I am a big advocate of therapy. It helped me tremendously, yet in a different way I expected and it's a long run. Still I feel it crucial for fighting my addiction.

 

Wives always know something is not right.

Not telling her is allowing her to exist in a constant state of spiraling in her mind, what's wrong with me, what am I not doing, what am I doing wrong, why am I not enough,

Just being honest and connecting with my wife has improved our marriage 200 percent. We still go to therapy for all sorts of things and I go to a 12 step program that I love.

It's a leap of faith to tell her yes, but she is ABSOLUTELY OWED honesty and respect.

You can read some of my wife's posts if it helps @IamOlive

Good luck to you and yours.

 

@Carmichael85250 Hi I am also relatively new here and newly married too. My one of the strongest drive to quit pmo is my deep love for my wife. Just like you . Luckily I have found Allen Carr's method to quit pmo here in nofap. It is one of the best methods to quit this addiction and probably the best. It's working for me so far . It's easy and even enjoyable! Here you will first read a free ebook called SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION. It will show you the right frame of mind to quit FOREVER. I will try to give you the link to the pdf. Please give this book a shot. It's worth it

 

I've been where you are and know the struggle. My wife didn't know. She knew I looked in the past, but not the extent. I couldn't get the arousal that I wanted from her because I was putting my efforts into 'PMO'. A week after I joined the forum, I told her everything (when I would watch porn, when I would masturbate, etc...) It was so freeing not holding that in anymore, regardless of what the consequences were. There were no secrets between us after I told her. Now, I'm not saying this is the approach for everyone. I told her because we are both Christians and believe through grace and God's mercy and what Jesus did on the cross, she would extend some grace to me. And she did. I had to let her know that my addiction was NOT because of her. This addiction started when I was 12 and dealt with it for over 20+ years. Now, over a year later of being free from the destructive power of pornography, my marriage is better than it ever was and the sex is INCREDIBLE!!! It is difficult letting other people into our little worlds and when we get married, that's what we are called to do: let another broken person into our broken world to become one flesh. It is a hard decision to let your wife know everything. In my case, it was the best decision that I ever made. We are here for you. Just don't isolate yourself (that will only make things worse).

 

I saw this quote yesterday and it touched me. I’m leaving the author off for personal reasons.
“We need God’s help. We need the power of his Holy Spirit to reach into the darkest corners of our souls, to penetrate to the depths of our being - to look for matters that are beneath the level of our consciousness - and then to reveal to us what specific areas are in need of change and improvement.”

 

Don’t fixate on the things that appear big and terrible. We all started life learning to crawl before we could walk. One step at a time. You and I both need to confide in our wives. I will not fixate on it right now. I have a goal to meet. I’m sure my wife will notice the change and at the right time I will confess. Look forward to tomorrow and don’t get stuck in today. You can do this.

 

Do you have an accountability partner? If not, can I be that person? I want to encourage you in this process and it is not about feeling guilty or shameful. It is about freeing yourself from destructive power of pornography. I gave you my story as an example because I know the feelings and the feelings are justified. You are 3 days free at that's AWESOME!!! Tomorrow, that number will be higher! You have every right to feel the way that you do...but you don't have to. You can make the decision (a true decision) right now to not feel shameful and discouraged. I want you to feel encouraged with this community!!!

 

So sorry to hear that! You definitely do not need to disclose to your wife unless you feel prepared for it. The fact that you set out for this journey and you are 4 days on it now is already a big step. No need to rush and overwhelm yourself with so many difficult tasks.

Keep on! It is worth it! Every single day without PMO will pay off. Even if you do not ever tell her, even if you relaps, even if you quit this forum (but I would never imagine how this community actually can be supportive), the fact that you once decided to stop PMOing destroying your life and marriage, that you "opened your eyes", this fact, I believe, is already written into your heart and will make you the better one.

I feel personal resposibilty for your feelings since I wrote

and that's exactly what apparently has happend. It may be the title of this thread that seduced me (us) to these responses.

Perhaps, I should have added that it took me 15 years before I disclosed myself to my wife. Now I only regret I had not done so earlier. Maybe the others have similar experience. Therefore we just wanted to encourage you to take your wife in as soon as you can. You may be surprised how releasing this can be and how supportive she can be. But what dmcmabe wrote is also a big truth.

 

It's all just other peoples opinions and journeys here, remember that.

What works for one will not or may not work for another. Remember that we what we read here of others we apply to our situations and use that as a basis. For what we think you should do.

Do I think you should tell your wife, absolutely, do I think it will save some part of your marriage and improve your situation, I honestly have no idea, you have to determine the course and actions.

Just know that we are here.

 

Hi
I truly appreciate your honesty about your feelings. You have done the right thing. Remember I told you about SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION? It does not involve telling your wife about your addiction. I didn't. And now I am doing just great. Please just read this amazing free ebook. You can always thank me later