Gay, turning 21, want to change

Hi.

I'm gay. I'm turning 21 on the 21st. I live at home with my parents. I've been living at home for the last two years after dropping out after my first year of college. My days consist mostly of sleeping, thinking about sex & men, often half-awake, browsing the internet and watching porn. Recently, I've been getting a bit better with taking care of myself (bathing, basic hygiene, eating, etc.) but the sleep schedule has gotten worse again.

I have no problem with being gay, but I do have a problem with this masturbation addiction. I don't know if its really an addiction, people tell me (strangers online) that it doesn't exist. But that's what I call it (to myself). I know my body and I know this is an unhealthy habit and I'm positive it's what makes me so tired, drains my soul of desire and vitality, and leaves my brain fried like a vegetable, unable to plan for the future or think as well as I used to. When I get horny there's nothing I can do but lie down in bed and writhe in pleasure until I get release. And once I get release all the color from the world disappears and nothing is worth doing anymore. I'm alive but I'm not living.

Anway, I've been seeing this as a problem for at least the past two years, and have been wanting to get involved in this site for the last year. The problem is I'm completely controlled by my emotions (horny or no emotion at all). When I'm horny, I feel pretty good and its almost like I don't even remember I have a problem. It doesn't feel like it. When I'm emotionless, I can't even lift a brain cell to think about dealing with this problem or lift an eyelid to read something about it. I'm usually so bored and unamused by everything that I often resort to just watching porn and jacking off again. Additionally, the rare times I do feel other emotions whether they be negative, I cope with those feelings by jacking off and when they're positive, I celebrate with what feels like the most natural way to celebrate- PMO.

I don't know how committed I'll be to this site or to my endeavours to change because I failed before many many times and I just dont have the heart or the faith in myself anymore. I guess my hope for this is to find someone else who's gay, who's going through the same thing, who I might be able to talk and relate too. But maybe not.

For now I'm just gonna try to last until after my birthday. Today is the first day, so if I last till after my birthday that will be four whole days. In the past, I've tried lasting for a week but I could only last till 5 days by cheating and watching porn but not ejaculating. I'm trying not to do that, its just more difficult and more exhausting. I'm telling myself that I can jack off as much as I want the day after I turn 21. I just want to gain some control. To know that I choose to jack off and watch porn; that I'm not a slave to it; this addiction.

This time round, I think I'm going to think about it as if I have a boyfriend and I'm saving myself for when he has sex with me (though I've never actually had sex). Maybe that's a better, more positive way of framing these goals of self-restraint.

I swear, this problem is making me a Christian again with the amount of prayers I'm making every day to get better. They usually go like, "God. Fuck. Help. Please".

EDIT: Ezra Bloom isn't my name. It's just a character from a TV show I find very attractive.

 

Just an update to say I did achieve my goal. The next one is to extend it to one week (from 4 days to 7 days). I don't know if you guys dont view it as true nofap, but my goals center mostly around preventing the full PMO cycle. So, really its about preventing O, not PM. Obviously in the future the goal is to also stop PM or at least drastically wean off those habits; and my goals currently also include trying to reduce PM- however I am not counting PM as failing in my version of "rebooting". If you disagree and want to criticise/give advice about my goals you're more than welcome to, but those are my goals and I'm happy with it so far and this is the site thats helping me achieve it.

FYI, right now I just post here if anyone wants to read: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/turning-21-on-the-21st.253940/#post-2289742 (though I dont really care much if anyone reads it).