Starting Rebooting: Wife Does Not Know

You are so persistent propagator of this material that I actually googled it myself (notice I am not the OP) . It seems there is no link to a booklet but only a web where the material is to be absorbed page by page.

https://sites.google.com/site/SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION/home

(I think I will go through it. If nothing else then just out of cutiosity)

 

I'd like to echo some of the other comments made in response to how you're feeling. It's good you are being honest about it and analyzing your thoughts. I'm with you and @Dmcmabe. My wife doesn't know. My PMO started long before we were married and we've been married for 14 years now. I know that I'll be ready to tell her at some point but I'd like to come to that conversation from a position of strength. A position where I have demonstrated to myself an ability to make progress on this problem. This may be a more difficult path, I don't know. But, I'll attest that so far, just engaging with this community and having accountability here has been a huge source of strength. I'm on my first reboot, nearly three weeks in, and feeling really good about it. You can do the same and more. Stick with it! The important part is overcoming this addiction.

 

Oh, just one another point that came into my mind…

Whether to disclose or not may also depend on how long you are married. If you are not married long, you are kind of sure your wife does not see your problem (yet) and you feel like you can cope with it on your own, then not disclosing to your wife may actually “spare her the gory details” and be better for your relationship.

I think I and some others here (e.g., MisterDirection?) see the problem from longer perspective. Since I have been poisoning our relationship with PMO for almost two decades it made so many troubles (damage) to both our marriage and my wife herself that it is nearly impossible to recover without disclosing all the truth and take full responsibility for it and be fully prepared for the consequences of this disclosure…

If you did not get that far, the better reason for you to quit now! Fingers crossed!

 

@Carmichael85250 I am trying to upload the pdf of the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION

 

Great to know that budvap

 

Your wife will already know something is wrong. You've said yourself that she's tried to work on your lack of intimacy. The same thing happened with my wife, she tried and tried to fix things and in the end pretty much gave up.

Have you considered this from her perspective? She has been lied to and manipulated into a relationship with an addict. By not telling her now you are just continuing those lies. How are you going to spend time on the forums writing journals and reading others posts without her getting suspicious? I highly recommend you read some SO posts either on here or on r/loveafterporn. That was what made me finally admit things to my wife.

How it seems to me is that you are still in the addict mindset of thinking the only person that matters is them. All you seem to care about is if it will cause trouble to yourself if you come clean. I too felt like that. I told myself it would hurt my wife too much to tell her but in truth I just didn't want her to be angry at me and leave. Think of the damage you have and are continuing to do to her.

At the end of of the day you have to do this for yourself. You have to become a better person and overcome this. A better man doesn't lie to or hide things from his wife. You are still lyng to her. If she truly loves you like you say she does, she will stay and help you through this. If she wants to leave it's far better that you tell her now and spare her any more suffering.

Anyway, good luck with your reboot process. I hope that you beat this and get clean!

 

Would you prefer your wife find out from you in a way that comes from total honesty where you share your addiction and your work to overcome it?

Or would you rather she discover it on her own, seeing it as a deception, and believing the only reason you are attempting sobriety is because you got caught?

Which do you think is the better scenario?

 

SO here chiming in. for those that say your wife doesn’t know, that’s denial. I’m sorry, but they know something is going on. By not telling her it’s selfish. She probably thinks something is wrong with her. Since you mentioned she had been trying to work on intimacy.

If you don’t give her the opportunity to heal and work through her stuff too, that’s not love or a healthy relationship.

 

This entitled expectation from men is part of the problem.

 

No judgement at all. Everyone’s journey is different. One week is great. I would suggest you read SO journals and see the other side for those that were told and those that were not. Learn about betrayal trauma.

Yes, in AA amends do come later. But this isn’t alcohol. There is a big difference. Sex and intimacy is shared. Her body and her feelings. I know that’s crappy to hear but it does affect us on a deeper level.

I come from a family of alcoholics. It’s different. It’s more personal.

I don’t want to know all the details and I think that should be her choice on how much she wants to know.

Working with a professional would be a good start too.

 

I would say also that everyone here will give advice you have to choose what works for your situation. We dont KNOW you or your SO.

Please dont think that even though we advise what you dont agree with that we are attacking you. All these responses will be peppered with our own failures and and experiences. So take what you need, say thanks for the rest and set it aside.

I would like to give my view on amends and disclosure. The 2 are very different things.

I look at disclosure as honesty. Some call it brutal, some say its rigorous honesty, but I look at it as actually that. My wife iamolive knew about most of my stuff but I did have secrets to disclose and talk about and explain. After full disclosure was made, it was a clean slate where both of us could begin to recover. And sometimes this is not advised. Therapist are excellent at helping with this. A CSAT therapist will more than likely go through your disclosure before you actually do it and in some cases will make you hold things back if your SO is not ready to hear or deal with them.

Amends is about yourself not the other person forgiving you, you dont control their feelings or actions. You make amends for YOUR accountability and recovery. Step 4 is making a moralinventory, this is a list of your events that you have either harmed people or they have harmed you., after you determine YOUR part or responsibility in those if there is any THEN you can make amends with the help of a sponsor or other person that has actually gone through this process.
Poorly timed or incorrectly attempted amends can cause even more damage than good .

There is good advise in this forum, take heart and research and remember progress not perfection.

 

I can't think of any situation where the SO should not be told about a sexual addiction, whether its porn, affairs prostitutes, strip clubs, or whatever. If its an actual addiction, I personally don't think its ever a good thing to keep from your spouse. Obviously, if the spouse has a delicate and fragile personality, the disclosure should maybe be done in therapy with a counselor that has a lot of experience dealing with couples on the disclosure date. And the statement that "its better that my spouse not know, at least for now" is something that I think we all know actually means, "I'm not going to tell my spouse anything about this. EVER. And it ain't for my spouse's good, its for mine."

This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to be self-righteous or holier than thou by any means, because I never had the guts to tell my wife about my porn addiction. I had to be confronted by her with proof of it because I was such a selfish coward that I refused to see an addiction that was punching me in the face every single day. So I'm not judging anyone who decides not to tell their spouse about it, I just wish I'd had the cojones to be a man about it.

I hope it all works out for you. I truly do.

 

I’d like to reiterate that even though I believe the spouse should be told about the addiction, it should be up to them to let the addict know how much detail they want disclosed at a given time. If the spouse isn’t ready, too much detail can cause even more harm.

 

I am not sure if you ever will get back to this thread but just in case I want to make clear that I am absolutely not by any possible means judging you.

When I wrote, e.g., that you are constantly lying to your wife or you are unfair to her I meant it nothing but a simple fact. No judgement in it, I swear. I do not know your personality, your childhood, motivations, fears, your wife, so as to judge you from anything. If these words make you feel guilty you’re the only one who judges yourself. That’s not alibistic from me. I mean it seriously. As the matter of fact, forgiving ourselves is the part of the process.

I wrote what I wrote because not judging anybody is one thing but accepting the truth, as it is, is another thing and in contrast to the former, the latter is absolutely essential as I am convinced. I actually took it to the opposite extreme in another post on this forum stating that our P-addiction is not destroying our marriages any more than the inability of our spouses to forgive us. And I am absolutely far from judging my spouse from where I took our marriage!!

If we lived in the Paradise, our wives would be able to forgive us and support us with an absolute unconditional love saving our marriages. Yet, if we lived in the Paradise, the porn would not be here whatsoever the less our addiction to it. So I may not be able to quit as my wife may not be able to forgive me. Both acts, quitting an addiction and forgiving the addiction, are comparably hard and there is no implication between the two. I think both sides should be aware of that. That is what I call “be prepared for the consequences”. In fact, if I am able to quit/not relapse anymore AND my wife is able to forgive me, I would consider it more as a miracle than as anything else. (That’s why we believers pray for this miracle along with doing our best for our better lives…)

 

What do you mean by that exactly? If you mean that you have no idea @IamOlive could read @MisterDirection cited comment then check out her thread here. To me, these two are tho most admirable couple I met on this forum (well, I have not met many but it doesn't matter in my statement).

My wife could definitely view all threads I ever posted here. (yet she is not in, but we speak a lot)

That's how the disclosure makes our relationships more open, honest and intimate...

I am pretty much sure there is not any.

 

Addiction thrives on fear, shame, and secrecy. Bringing it into the light takes the power away. You are not fully ready to let it go yet or you wouldn't be holding on so tightly.

 

As far as men only , no not with NoFap, and I can not advertise for other sites in public.

You can simply block each individual female that comments in your posts as it happens but you can not prevent ones that lurk from reading.

I say this as something maybe you should think on as you go through your journey. I attend 12 step meetings and individual and couples therapy. The support and Grace that God provides to me is the proof that I need in my life that if I can not be honest and open to myself and a group of anonamous strangers in online forum, what hope do I have of succeeding in real life with my wife family and therapist.

To be honest, my wife and other women reading my posts is 200 percent helpful to me. It helps me to see things differently than I would normally and that gives me perspective and with that I can recognize denial and blame and gas lighting and all or most of the other addict tools that we keep at our disposal.

There are quite a few SO's on here that are VERY knowledgable about much of our issues and problems. Do they always give advise in a way that is not supportive and positive, you bet, but I need that. I NEED someone to call my bullshit, because I know no other person that lies to myself better than me.

Do they upset me sometimes with what they say, you bet they do. I have learned though to compartmentalize my feelings and see and hear what they say and think instead of reading to respond. Do I feel attacked sometimes, sure, but 9 times out of 10 I can honestly say that most of what they give me is good advice and always a good point of view to think on.

I know for a fact I would not be where I am now in my marriage without ALL of the SO's that have I interacted with on here.

That's my opinion, certainly not that anyone else is wrong but it works for me.

If I have any new advice for you, maybe we can provide some SO's IDs that may be of benefit for you to read through. I know I gained much in researching that way.

Progress not perfection

 

Sorry you had a baptism by drowning here man.

nofap is great with many things and there are intersections where instead Of a scalpel you hear the blaring jarring noise of a chainsaw started as the ripcord gets angrily pulled by well-intentioned folks giving their feedback.

I will say that disclosure is not step one. Ever. It is the natural progression of a repentant attitude because you are committed to being a man/woman of integrity.

you disclose, because you value Truth. Telling the truth because you are afraid of losing something/someone will taint it. —-I argue this sets up multiple disclosures. I would ask why do we see multiple d-days? Is it because the person still is operating on fear ? If so... fear will hurt the love element. I don’t believe fear should be why we become “honest”. It just creates a conflict of veracity.

I have written about it after seeing this step misused and abused time and time again.

1) is to share with people that don’t judge you; and you can develop a rapport and support system.

2). Would be to create an accountability system (partner/therapist/ group) something that can build on your support.

3). Journal. Write your feelings your thoughts , your fears; spend time unearthing the roots of the “fruit” of your addiction. Don’t get all hung up in shame just share and cut.

4. Inform. Read others stories and the materials that are here to encourage you.

5. Plan your disclosure to those to whom this affects or to whom have affected you. Wife might be just one of many people you would like to open up with. But using your notes from your journal and your support system plan the interaction.

If you start with disclosure—- you will create a shitstorm sure , but then because you don’t yet have a support system you are very likely to go back to soothing behaviors. Pmo could return.

I have said it before but I would encourage you to hear what dr.weiss says on disclosure. Disclosures are not an absolute science. He has plenty to say for his reasons for which he doesn’t conduct disclosure.

Of course—- you cannot compell people to love each other. This is not about forcing addicts to “come clean.” This is about getting someone who grasps an destructive habit with all their might to release it VOLUNTARILY. Not through cohercion, manipulation, polygraphs, and ultimatums.


there are some who are cold turkey quitters ... and for them , self control is still relatively intact so making decisions to Quit habits won’t cause them as much difficulty. But If this is a multi year issue occurring before marriage, then your wife is only half the concern. You are the real person that you needs to be honest with first.

take your time so that each step is forward progress. Many of the folks here and relapse way too often because they don’t have patience with themselves. That’s what porn teaches us. Instant satisfaction.

Be honest with your wife that you are going through something tough and be ready to face the music if she asks any questions. Women want the truth. More than anything else.

send me a message if you need any encouragement.

you got this.