In need of serious advice for getting over my addiction

Hi mate.

Firstly (if you haven't already) establish a routine. In the week i get up at 5.30, i have a cold shower, go to work, go to the gym every day after work, come home and eat and leave my phone in the car. I dont relapse in the week. Its not even hard. If you dont have this solid routine in place (i didnt in university and paid the price) it will be extremely difficult for you to kick this.

So for me the weekends are the issue. Its easy to be motivated after pmoing but after a long week its very easy to slip up. I have found many things to do but i am still not busy enough at the weekend to not think about pmo. I usually end up pmoing 1-2 times at the weekend and thats all i have to focus on stopping.

Sometimes it is less about how much you want it and simply establishing a much healthier lifestyle.

Ultimately i think the thing that would kick it for me at the weekend would be to have an intimate relationship with a girl i genuinely like. I cant force that though and need to be able to beat this with my own plan.

Good luck

 

Personally, I find that whenever I want to achieve something, I find people that have achieved what I want, and I do what they did.

Most addicts that I know that have beaten their addictions have done so by going to a 12-step group and working their way through the steps.
So that’s what I’m doing, and it’s working well for me so far.

 

I can't yet speak from experience, because I just started about a week ago, but I would recommend what is quoted here. I am in SA, i.e. Sexaholics Anonymous.

One of the things you can get, if/when you have the courage to do so (I don't have it yet), is to call other members when you feel you're about to yield to temptation.

 

One of the problems is that we might know there are root problems, but not know exactly what they are. No shame in that.

Let me say I also have had several goes at kicking this thing (as most people have). The whole thing is a process and a daily commitment, last time I got to around 100 days and felt I had cracked it but this the nature of an addiction, the brain plays tricks and you let your guard down.

It takes a conscious effort to keep the guard up to start with, and perhaps after a reboot this effort may diminish but I feel after the length of my own use (15+ years) my reboot period will be far longer than average, I haven't put a number of days on it yet.

My advice, just begin and build up a streak. It is really, really difficult especially in the early days when browsing P almost becomes a habit and you visit sites almost on autopilot. But that urge does drop off somewhat. You do change subtly, and after a while of no P the root issues you want to solve may only become apparent at that time.

 

There are a lot of tips to deal with the everyday problems and you have to find your way dealing with them and this forum is a really good place for that but my serious advice is:

It is not about sex and porn. An addiction is not about what you are addicted to but it is about what you are escaping with it. I would recommend searching for a therapist who suits you. Try to find your root cause and find a way to get along and in touch with you.

And take your time. 90 days really isn't a magical number and nofap might be just one piece of the puzzle. Stopping your addictive behavior gives you the chance to get in contact with you and the cause behind it. Dealing with that is the next step. Keep on searching, what's right for you.

My therapist told me, that addictions and relationship problems are very similar and that every addiction is a relationship problem with myself. This sounds kind of abstract but in the end he was right.

 

You MUST think about this addiction everyday, if not multiple times a day. If you forego your daily intention, you WILL relapse, especially if you have been tethered to the influence for so long.

 

Welcome to the forum. NoFap is a good place to seek advice and support. I wouldn't have made progress I did without it. It's very hard to sum up what is needed to break free of addiction cycle in just a few words and mind you, we're pretty much work in progress ourselves, so take any advice from us with a grain of salt. "Be open to everything, but attached to nothing." I can describe what has worked for me (17 years of binge PMO and 25 years of compulsive MO addiction, 38yo) and you can take from it whatever you find useful.

1. DESIRE TO CHANGE
First, addiction is an addiction, no matter if it's nicotine, alcohol, opioids or compulsive addictive behaviors like PMO. Basic brain processes behind them are pretty much identical. That's important, because you have to realize you have a long painful battle in front of you if you want to break free. I made a mistake of underestimating the problem for decade which resulted in decade of failures. It will take all you've got to do it so you really need to adopt "whatever it takes" mentality when you decide that you need to stop.

2. KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION
Educate yourself about addiction, this forum, YT, SA, counseling, books. Learn from people who were heavily addicted and break free. They are full of knowledge and know first hand what it takes to break free. The YT channels that help me are Tim Johnson and Ryan Donnelly. I really recommend watching Tim's videos from start to finish (I watch 1 to 3 a day and learn), but also Ryan, God rest his soul, has been very helpful in the first months of abstention. You can also find some additional info in my journal

3. SELF DISCIPLINE AND DETERMINATION
This means doing the things you know you need to do because they're good for you, but are very uncomfortable and painful to do. We grow through pain. "Today's pain is tomorrow's strength."
You've got to change your thoughts, lifestyle (behaviors, routines, diet...) You've gonna have to face fears, painful emotions and past traumatic memories that led you to seek escape in addiction.
Remember that your worst day in recovery is way better than your best day in addiction = DETERMINATION is crucial to successful recovery.

4. FIND SUPPORT
Be it on-line groups like NoFap, accountability partner, YT channels, SA, counseling, friends, family … Whatever works for you. The important thing is to have someone/somewhere to turn to when "shit hits the fan". For me it was this this forum and Tim, you might prefer other options.

5. PATIENCE & CONSISTENCY
Recovery journey is a long old road, a marathon, not a sprint. You're not gonna feel better overnight. You're gonna have to go through a lot of pain and unresolved trauma. Some days you're gonna feel lousy and that's gonna go on for months. You're gonna experience insomnia, feel exhausted, depressed, anxious… You're gonna have to BATTLE THROUGH IT. It's gonna be bloody painful at times so you have to accept the pain and suffering in advance. They are part of recovery, there's no way around them but to endure. You've gotta be CONSTISTENT (eat right food, exercise, getting fresh air, sunlight, keep seeking advice, knowledge no matter how bad you feel at a given day). Just hold on. You might not notice much progress but it gets better every day.

For the first 3-4 months of abstinence the most important steps you can take to help you endure these months are very basic but not as easy as they seem on paper:
1. Sleep -> 7-9 hours of sleep per night preferably between 11pm and 2 am (very difficult to achieve if hit by insomnia which unfortunately is very common in the first months of abstention)
2. Diet -> no/minimal processed food, no food with added sugar, no alcohol, 2-4 liters of fresh water per day, lots of fruits and vegetables (I have 3 different fruits per day rule)
-> supplements: Omega-3 (fish oil), vitamin B complex, Vitamin D3, minerals Zn, Ca, Mg, K
3. Exercise -> daily aerobic exercise is crucial to get your daily dopamine fix. It will countermeasure brain's dopamine deficiency state to some extend. I exchange between walking/running and cycling as
they are easily accessible and free but you might prefer other forms of exercise.
4. Goals -> Don's just focus on counting the days. Set yourself easily achievable short, medium and maybe also long term goals you'd LIKE (liking it is important) to achieve and focus your mind on them rather than abstention
alone. This way you'll avoid something called "ego fatigue". Abstention is hard work for addicted brain and as time goes by your will power will fatigue. If you set yourself desirable goals, your
brain will refocus from abstention to completing the given task. It's a trick neuroscientist recommend when battling with addiction.

You can start searching for and addressing root causes of your addiction after 3-4 months of abstinence (I personally needed 5-6 months to start doing that), maybe even seek professional help with it, but the first months of recovery will be hard enough by itself, so just hold on and focus on developing routine over sleep/diet/exercise/achieving set goals. That way you will build strong foundations for your further deeper recovery.